Hiraeth - Kylo Ren
by DarthMetal
Summary: Even if you could show them how much you regret it, would people ever forgive what you did? Could you ever forgive yourself? {hiraeth (n) homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was} [Kylo Ren x OC]
1. -1-

_[hiraeth (n) homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was]_

It's was still dark when she woke up. She was not able to make out where she were at first but the everything became clearer as the sleep gathered up its skirts and walked far away from her. Her eyes moved to the clock slowly after she remembered why she was there. It was four in the morning. _I only slept for two hours? You can't be serious._

She got off the bed and dressed herself quietly, she wouldn't want to wake up the blonde young man, whose name she didn't even remember. After taking the money from the table she left the room and closed the door behind her.

At this time of the night all the streets were empty, except for a few vagrants and they already knew that she was not the girl to be messed with, so they continued to deal with their own business.

She was looking at the sky as she passed by the buildings with quick steps. The planet Darkknell in the Outer Rim was known with its unique night sky. The visitors from other planets always fall in love with Darkknell just the first night they spend here and they wish that night to never end.

But that night, there was _nothing_ in the sky.

She frowned. _This can't be good news. I hope that the problem is with my eyes, not with the sky._

Ten minutes later she was home and closing the door behind her. When she was heading to her room quietly –she didn't want to wake her housemate up –the housemate, who was supposed to be sleeping, opened her room's door and went to the hallway.

"Wyne, why aren't you sleeping?" she asked as she headed to her own room. Her housemate, Wyne, answered as she followed her.

"I can't sleep. There's a huge darkness inside me, I feel like something bad is going to happen."

She rolled her eyes, Wyne and her sixth sense were a really _famous_ couple "Probably there'll be another storm." she said and took the money from her pocket. She put it in a little, white chest, locked it and hung the key to her neck.

She heard Wyne, sighing sadly "I knew that you were out because of that, again." Wyne said as she held the other girl's hands "Alexia, I had told you that I could take the most part of the rent and the home costs. Why are you still doing this to yourself?"

"You know that there's more to that, Wyne." Alexia said "You know that I can't make money by junk-dealing, I don't get _anything_ anymore. I can't even find a trumped up weapon. I have nothing that I can sell!"

"Actually, you have," Wyne said, pointing the closet, which always remained locked, with her head.

"Don't," Alexia said with a hard tone "Don't you ever think about that."

"Every night you go out, you come back dirtier, Alex. Every time you are even more torn apart, your face gets paler. I can't stand seeing you this way. You're losing what's left of you with each man that touches you."

An emotionless laugh escaped Alexia's lips "We both know that there's nothing left of me. I've lost everything four years ago." she said and pointed the door "Now if you'll excuse me, I want to sleep. It's been a tiring night."

Wyne heaved a sigh and turned off the lights, leaving the room and closing the door behind. Alexia took a deep breath and fell down onto her bed. she didn't want to struggle to change into her pyjamas.

She placed her hands under her head and lied on her back, watching the ceiling. When she first came to this planet, she had brought her hopes about setting up a new and beautiful life but every day was becoming more unbearable.

 _I'm tired._

 _I've no one left._

She took a deep breath. If there was something she had learnt from the stories that were told to her when she was a kid, that there was always hope. The game continues as long as you have hope. And after holding on for that long she did not intend to give up.

Her eyes were starting to close.

 _I hope that there won't be another violent storm tomorrow. I don't want to rescue flying people. Again._

 **This was more like a prologue, the story starts in the second chapter. Hope there'll be someone to read this :)**

 **Wookie hugs .**


	2. -2-

She dried her hair for a long while after she was finished with showering, she hated wandering around with wet hair. After her long, curly, black hair was completely dry she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her blue eyes looked like they held more life than yesterday.

 _That's something_.

She went to the kitchen after putting on black tights and a black t-shirt. Wyne had already began preparing the breakfast. Alexia smiled as she smelled the omelette "Morning. As it seems, you've shown your talent again." she said, took her cup and smelled the liquid inside "Tarine tea, oh you've must have read my mind!"

Wyne laughed "Someone's in good mood," she said as she sat in front of Alexia.

"A good night's sleep and a hot shower," Alexia said and tuck a piece of the omelette in her mouth.

Wyne nodded "They always help."

"What about your sixth sense?" Alexia asked "I want to know whether I should take a coat or not."

Wyne kicked her under the table "You can't stand a second without mocking me, can you?" she said in an angry way but Alexia just laughed "I hate it that you love to mess with people."

Alexia stuck out her tongue at Wyne "You should have got used to it by now, we've been living under the same roof for three years. I see you more than I see myself and that's not easy at all."

Wyne frowned, Alexia laughed more "Talk like she's really easy to get on well with! The species that can bear you have not been discovered yet Alex, do you realise that?"

She talked after eating the last piece of the omelette "Okay, I've pissed you off enough for a day."

Wyne rolled her eyes. But they both jumped put pf their places with the sudden darkening of the sky. They ran to the window, Alexia swore.

"You can't be serious," Wyne muttered "What is the First Order doing here?"

"You know they bring nothing but evil." Alexia said "We've listened to what had happened on the Star Killer Base, don't you remember?"

"If only I could forget," she said "What should we do?"

"Do what everyone else does. Hide." Alexia said and started to walk towards the door.

"What about you?" Wyne asked with a worrying tone "You can't leave me and go!"

Alexia turned back to the blonde and smiled sourly "Darkknell need people to fight for itself. If I hide too, then who'll stand against them?"

"Promise me you'll come back," Wyne whispered.

Alexia smirked "Of course I'll come back. We're talking about a bunch of Stormtroopers, I can't remember how many times we've fought them off." she said and left the building, running.

The evacuation and the hiding of the children have just been finished when the ship completely landed and Stormtroopers started to march out. They've come to take the children before, several times, so the citizens of Darkknell knew what to do even if they were caught unprepared.

After all, they always went back after their first unit was down, they hated losing troopers. They preferred going to the already-surrendered planets instead of wasting their time on Darkknell.

Today everything happened as it had happened before: They had taken the first unit down. They were expecting them to leave and waste no more time but they saw a second unit coming, which was twice the size of the first one.

Alexia's eyes widened. _Are their troopers that worthless to them?_

"They're too many!" Plou shouted "We can't beat them! We're going to die if we don't retreat!"

"Retreat?" Alexia asked "Are you crazy? You want them to take your son?"

"I want to take my son and hide with him!" Plou shouted and started running. A dozen men followed him. Alexia turned to the ones who had stayed. _Five? Are you kidding me_?

The fight with the Stormtroopers started before they can make a plan. They were all aware of that the situation was bad, even terrible. But there was one thing the five of them had in common: They had nothing to lose. They had no family to left behind.

 _If I'm going to die, then I'll die protecting the children that I see every morning_. Alexia thought. But it didn't end up as she had expected.

No, she wasn't dead.

Instead, the resisting five had found themselves heading to the ship of the First Order with handcuffs around their wrists. Alexia swore. _They decided to take the resisters when they realised that they were not going to get the children. I really wonder which genius comes up with these ideas._

"Take your filthy hads off me!" Alexia shouted to the Stormtrooper, who was touching her under colour of 'pushing' "I'm not going to warn you again."

The laugh of the trooper was coming out in an electric way because of the mask he was wearing "Do you actually think that you're in a position to treat us?" he asked as the ship took off. Alexia couldn't find her balance and fell down, just like the other four captives. The trooper who was messing with her took that as a chance and touched her again while he helped her stand up. Alexia kicked the trooper hardly, whose face was red with fury.

The trooper stumbled "What do you think you're doing?!" he roared "Count yourself lucky that Commander Ren told us to keep the captives alive until he comes, slut."

 _Commander Ren? He must be talking about Kylo Ren. What exactly does he have to do with us?_

The other trooper talked "He said alive, not unharmed."

The trooper whom she had kicked started to laugh. Alexia's eyes widened and before giving him the chance to do something to her, she moved her handcuffed hand to her right. The trooper flew backwards, hit the wall hard and fell down.

"If I could move my hands, you would be dead." Alexia said with a voice cold as ice. She threw away the weapon of the other trooper with a small movement of her hands "Don't you even thing about it."

She turned back upon feeling she got. The room felt darker, everything felt darker. Then, she saw the new figure who had entered the room. he was all in black and it was impossible to tell where he was looking at exactly because of his mask.

"You two, what do you think you're doing?" he spoke with a hard tone. His voice was coming out metallic because of the mask. He was talking to the Stormtroopers.

"C... Commander Ren..."

Alexia's eyes widened with shock. _He's the famous Kylo Ren? I was expecting someone much taller._

"She used the Force?" Kylo Ren asked. Alexia's shock was increasing. _How can he know that, there has not been a single word said!_

Commander walked to Alexia with slow steps. The sudden pain in her had caused her to stumble. She was dying to rub her temples but she was not able to do anything because of the handcuffs. _Please don't tell me that he's inside my head! Ah, that's why he knew everything without the troopers telling to him._

"Your sensitivity in Force is surprisingly high," Kylo Ren said and muttered something to himself, then signalled at Alexia "Follow me."

Without any ideas about what the hell was happening, Alexia started to walk behind the commander.

"Take the other four to Captain Phasma." Kylo Ren said and exited the room. Alexia was trying hard to catch with his pace. _Where is he taking me to? Why don't I understand anything that's happening here? Ah, my brain is hurting._

"We're going to see the Supreme Leader and you're not going to open your mouth unless you're asked to talk." Kylo Ren said with a hard tone.

 _I feel like a book that's left around open._

 **So that's how the story begins... If there's anyone out there please give me some reviews**

 **Wookie hugs .**


	3. -3-

"Master of the Knights of Ren," said the hologram before them. He was very thin and frail with large hands. He had a distinctive, idiosyncratic bone and facial structure. Alexia could easily understand that his hologram projected him several times than his natural appearance, towering over Kylo Ren and herself. He had an elongated face with, scarred skin and pale blue . He sported a large scar from the top of his head, all the way down to his brow. He also had what appeared to be a scar or burn on his right cheek that caused his mouth to be contorted. He wore a simple cloak, and tended to speak slowly "As I see, you've brought the reason of this unexpected visit."

"Her sensitivity in Force," Kylo Ren said "I thought you would want to see and evaluate."

At first the handcuffs opened on their own and fell to the metal floor. Then she felt that familiar headache return but this time it was way too stronger. With a single attempt of fighting it back had knocked her down. She held her head inside her hands and just like that she lied on the cold, metal floor.

"Ah, yes. You'd thought very well about bringing her to me. It'd be a shame if we lost someone with that much amount of talent." The Supreme Leader said "I've seen this raw strength only once before. It's a great advantage to have you both in the Dark Side. Especially after losing that scavenger to Skywalker, who had beaten the _mighty_ Kylo Ren."

After the Supreme Leader, or whoever he was, retreated from her mind, Alexia took a deep breath and stood up slowly.

"I had underestimated her but as I've granted before, that will not happen again."

"There's no possibility of that happening again." The Supreme Leader said and turned to Alexia "Now on, your loyalties lay with the First Order. Ren will take the responsibility of your training, I'm expecting the best results from you both as soon as possible. And after your training is completed, First Order will have another commander."

Alexia swallowed. _What if do not want that?_

"You don't have the option of not wanting." The Supreme Leader said, reading her thoughts "First you'll start with destroying that rebel inside you."

The room was simple, so simple that there were only two chairs and a couch. Hearing the sound of the closing door, Alexia turned back to Kylo Ren, who was entering something to the control panel. She was waiting for him to tell her what to do.

"Sit," Kylo Ren said, reading her thoughts. He was pointing the chair. Alexia placed her thoughts about killing Kylo Ren and blowing this ship up on the front of her mind and sat on the chair slowly "I'm used to people wanting to kill me, you need to try better than this, if you want to disturb me."

Alexia swore quietly. Kylo Ren sat the chair right in front of her "First, let's start with learning you and your past," he said.

"Stay away from my mind," Alexia said, speaking for the first time in o long while.

"If you want me to stay away from your mind, then you have to learn how to do that. That's going to be the very first thing you'll learn, starting from now."

He rose his right head next to her head. She started to rub her temples "Alexia Gradval, that's your name then. How was your life on Darkknell? It must be boring that every day is the same. Junk dealing, eh? Darkknell isn't the best place for that kind of job... I assume that you were aware of that as well, weren't you?"

Alexia felt her cheeks turn red. Right now, all that she wanted was to slap the man under that mask.

"The intensity of your hatred towards me is astonishing even though we've just met." Kylo Ren said and continued to look through her life on Darkknell "Who did you left behind? Oh, a housemate? Despite your promise to return... She'll never forgive you."

"Get. Out. Of. My. Head." Alexia snarled at him. She took a deep breath as Kylo Ren retreated and leaned back. If only she could rub his masked head to the wall and create sparkles with it...

"These are just warm-up rounds, Gradval. You better get yourself ready for much more." he said, then tilted his head "You _still_ wanna kill me."

"Believe me, if I had ripped you from life, thrown into hell and put a creature in a mask next to you, then you'd want to kill me, too."

Upon her comment he placed his hands on the sides of her mask. After a faint _click_ sound, the protections of the mask were lifted and slowly, Kylo Ren took off his mask and put it on the floor with a thud.

Well, what was lying under the mask was nothing like Alexia had expected.

His wavy, black hair was reaching his shoulders. He head a pale but handsome face. There was a scar starting from above his right eyebrow and going down to his cheek. His brown eyes were looking at Alexia "Where did we left off?" he asked. Without being changed by the modulator, his voice was indeed smooth and soothing. He moved his chair closer to Alexia's and raised his left hand next to her head again.

Alexia was heaving serious troubles with suppressing her screams.

"Isn't there anyone else that you've left behind? Not even a family? Ah, I see. You've come to Darkknell after losing them. But you're still not over your loss. You're afraid to sleep at night, it consumes you away to see who you've lost in your nightmares. That's why you were protecting those children on Darkknell at the coast your life."

"You're so lonely. So, so lonely. But despite the loneliness, you've somehow managed to lose yourself in this loneliness but you're not able to find yourself anymore." Ren said. Alexia closed her eyes and started to bite her lower lip "You're making it easier for me to see them with your attempts of hiding, Gradval. These efforts only hurt you."

"Don't you have any respect for privacy?!" she said in an angry way and moaned in pain.

"I need to know my apprentice."

"I'm looking forward to killing you, Ren."

"I will be waiting with excitement for that day to come, Gradval." he said and forced to go deeper in her mind. Alexia was not able to endure anymore and she screamed.

"ENOUGH!"

Ren slowly pulled his hand back and leaned back "You've lasted longer that I'd expected." he said and stood up, kicking the chair back and took his mask from the floor "Tomorrow morning at ten in the training area. Don't you ever be late."

 **So, things are getting faster I guess? I'd really appreciate it if I had reviews guys, and the guest user who's left a review for the 2nd part, thank you so much!!**

 **Wookie hugs .**


	4. -4-

_"Promise me you'll come back." whispered the blonde girl._

 _The curly, black haired girl smirked "Of course I'll come back. We're talking about a bunch of Stormtroopers, I can't remember how many times we've fought them off."_

 _"Promise me you'll come back." the little girl said as she hugged the young man's leg._

 _The blue eyed young man smiled "My moonlight, have I ever promised and never returned?" he said and took her into his arms, placed a kiss on her forehead._

 _"Promise me you'll wake up again." said the curly, black haired young lady. At the same time she was tightly holding the hand of the curly, brown haired woman, who was lying under the covers._

 _A smile appeared on the woman's pale face "It's just a sleep, dear, I'll wake up just as I do every day. There's nothing to worry about."_

Alexia woke up breathless. The black tunic she was wearing was soaking went due to her sweating, just like the pillow. Her eyes wandered to the clock on the wall. _Half past twelve? It's been only two hours?_

She tried to shake the effect of the nightmare off her but she couldn't come to herself, moreover she had lost her sleep. She swore quietly and stood up, took a towel and a clean tunic, left the cell and headed to the showers.

The dressing room and the showers were in the same place. After putting her clothes in a random locker, she wrapped the towel around her body and walked to the showers. The cabins were separated from each other by white, marble walls and had black curtains. After entering the third cabin from the beginning and pulling the curtain, she freed herself from the towel and placed it on the marble wall, which was on her left side.

She turned the water on. While waiting for the water to heat, she was shifting her weight from her right foot to the left continuously. The floor beneath her bare feet was freezing and it really made her feel cold.

After convincing herself that it was warm enough, she threw herself under the hot water. For a while, she just closed her eyes and thought. She thought about how her life had fallen to pieces within seconds and how she had lost the only person she had.

 _It feels strange to go under the water at night without having traces of other men on me,_ she thought. Every time she showered, the sponge felt like it was on fire every time it hit her skin. She was way too used to washing away the traces on her body!

 _Wyne... She must have cried her eyes out._

 _I've already missed her._

 _I've promised to turn..._

There was nothing she could do as the dream quietly lingered inside her mind. She could not help herself but think about it no matter how much she tried not to do so. Even when she was washing her hair, she was feeling like she was living the dream all over again.

The thing that drifted her from her thoughts were the footsteps coming from outside. She shook herself, slowly turned the water off and started to listen. She was hearing the sound of an armour being taken off. She frowned. _Stormtrooper? At this hour? I thought that they were supposed to sleep after a specific hour._

Taking her towel, she wrapped it around her body tightly and opened the curtain, got out from the cabin "Hello? Who's there?" she asked but she didn't get any answer for a while. She walked a little bit forward, several puddles were left on the floor because of her soaking wet hair "I know you're there."

She heard the footsteps again and two men came out from behind the lockers, they were wearing underwear (not like the normal underwear but the ones you wear inside an armour). The blonde one on the left spoke "Did you really think you could get away that easily from us, moreover after making a fool of us both in front of Commander Ren?"

Alexia's blue eyes widened with fear. _These are the two Stormtroopers from morning. Shit._

"You don't have any idea what you could've coasted us, do you?" asked the one on the left, he head brown hair. He took a few big steps towards her "But now... Now there's no one who can protect you from us."

Alexia swallowed. It wasn't hard to guess what they were planning to do after analysing her physical situation and the looks that the men were giving her. _I have to get out of here now. But it's foolish to think that they'd let me, I have to do it the hard way._

The blonde threw himself on her. Alexia lifted her hand in the air and hurled it to the right, making the blonde haired man fly to the right. But the other man took this time as an advantage and jumped on the girl. She fell down backwards and hit her head hardly to the marble on the ground.

She screamed in pain, her eyes had darkened and it seemed like lightning was flashing in front of her eyes. Her head was throbbing with pain and she was feeling like the last thing she could do was moving. But continuing to lie down like that was no option. When she was about to shake herself once more to regain her sight, she was left out of breath by the sudden weight she felt on herself.

 _No_ , she was screaming inside her head. She was beginning to see the brown haired man as her sight became clearer. _No_.

Her screams gained volume as she felt his hands on top of her towel "No!" she screamed and tried to push the man off herself but she wasn't strong enough "Take your hands off me!"

With two fingers of the right hand she had managed to free, she poked into the man's eyes. He screamed and rolled. Alexia stood up in a hurry but the towel had already fallen down.

Her eyes found the blonde man, who was standing right in front of her "You look a lot more exciting than I had imagined," he said. Alexia was looking at him and the other one, who was beginning to stand up, with eyes full of terror.

 _What the hell I'm going to do?!_

The blonde one took a step towards her, while he was taking of the underpants he was wearing "If only you knew how long I haven't been with a girl... You can't even imagine the things that I wanna do to you."

"Stay away from me," Alexia said, her voice was shaking. The brown haired was on his feet, too. she closed her eyes and screamed "ENOUGH!"

She opened her eyes and instinctually extended her right hand towards the blonde haired man and closed her fingers a little bit. He started to kick and stamp as if some invisible fingers were clasping him by the throat and lifting in the air. His face turned to red as she closed her fingers more.

Alexia turned her eyes to the other man. He had turned as white as a chalk "You both are going to leave here without any other actions or I'll kill your friend." she said with a cold-blooded manner "I don't give a damn about the consequences, I have nothing to lose. But you... You have plenty to lose, don't you? Is that clear?"

"Y... Yes." that was all he could say. Alexia lowered her arm and released him. He fell to the floor.

"If I ever see one of you near me, I'll kill you both." she said "Or, maybe Kylo Ren hears about what you've done to his apprentice, what do you think? I've heard that there were extremely creative ways of torture in the First Order."

They both were looking at her as if they'd seen a ghost.

"I spare your lives for this once. Now go away you assholes before I change my mind!"

In the twinkling of an eye, they both gathered their armour and ran away. Alexia took the towel from the floor while rubbing her still-throbbing head and got inside the cabin again. After turning the hot water on, she placed her back on the wall and slid to the ground.

Then, she buried her head to her knees and started to sob.

 **Please, if there's anyone reading, leave reviews guys I really need them, I want to know what you think**

 **Wookie hugs .**


	5. -5-

**EDIT: I HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA WHAT THE HELL HAD HAPPENED TO THE PREVIOUS VERSION OF THIS**

 **Anyway, I think I fixed it so enjoy**

When she had finally returned to her bed, it was already two o'clock but she wasn't able to sleep properly afterwards. It was nine when she heard the alarm of the clock and she had only been sleeping for three hours. She swore as she opened her eyes and straightened under the covers.

She struggled in finding her balance when she stood up, she needed to use the wall as a support. She was feeling dizzy and sick, her head was still throbbing. But without giving a damn about all these she wore a black sweatshirt, pulled the zip up to her neck and left her cell tottering.

The way to the cafeteria seemed endless. She didn't know where was where in the first place, so she was asking the way to another person in every corner. But she wanted to look strong, so that's why she was trying to walk as steady as she could; she kept her shoulders upright, and left her face completely blank.

 _How did I end up in this hell like place?_

She didn't eat much for breakfast, she just sat alone on the table which was in the back corner and stabbed the cucumbers with her folk. In fact, she didn't have the strength to move her arm, she was feeling herself completely dead. She absolutely wasn't good –her vision was getting worse and worse with each second that passed and everything she saw was starting to rotate.

 _For fuck's sake, please tell me that I'm dying. It'll be the fastest way out of here._

She arrived at the training area five minutes earlier than she should, she had got lost five times before finding the arena. She took a deep breath as she got inside and saw that she was _completely_ alone. She gave up pretending as if she were strong and literally toppled on the mattresses.

The place they called the _training area_ actually looked like a giant gym. The back half of the arena was left to more active trainings like fighting, hand to hand combat and weapon usage. And the front half was completely full of sports equipment. The left wall was covered with mirrors and the door, which probably opened to the changing rooms, was on the right corner, standing in line with the entrance door.

Her eyes wandered to the clock, which was on the left wall. _I still have five minutes, I should at least wash my face. I have to recover myself._

She stood up with a thousand difficulties and walked to the door on the right corner with quick steps. As she had expected, it was leading to the changing rooms. She got inside and turned the tap on, slashing the ice-cold water to her face a couple of times. She was feeling herself a little better.

When she returned to the arena, Kylo Ren was coming in at that moment. Just like yesterday, he was all in black. She straightened herself as she saw him and wiped away the dead expression on her face and placed a determined one instead.

"Good, you're on time." he said. She didn't like the metallic voice he had even a bit "Warm up before we start, then we'll start with weight-lifting."

Alexia nodded and started to warm herself up with the simple moves she knew but she was feeling awful indeed. Standing felt like a torture and she was trying her best not to fall down while leaning forwards in order to stretch.

As she was warming up, Kylo Ren was telling her about the training programme "I'll teach you how to use the Force for your advantage in a battle but there are things that we need to improve first, such as hand to hand combat and using a gun or a saber. In order to do your best in these you have to build up your body. Therefore for the first month you'll work with the weights, condition and things that'll strengthen your muscles, every day." he said, then stopped for a moment "Is there a problem?"

Alexia realised that he had noticed she could not stand up after leaning forwards. She got flurried and suddenly straightened herself "No, everything's fine." she said but her already throbbing head began throbbing more with that sudden movement. She grimaced. Of course, Kylo Ren noticed that, too.

"I don't think I need to tell you that you must tell me the truth when I ask you a question." he said, his tone was harder this time. Alexia continued to warm up, that was an attempt to hide her face "I'm asking one more time: Is there a problem?"

"No, there's no problem." she said but after a few seconds she felt that the things inside her stomach were trying to get out. She tried to avoid them by swallowing but it was no use, she turned her back and without saying anything to Kylo Ren, she ran to the changing room. She locked herself in a cabin and threw out everything she had inside.

She got out from the cabin wobbling and headed to the sinks. She gargled and washed her face. Her reflection on the mirror looked exactly like a ghost. At that moment Kylo Ren got inside, Alexia held the sink as a support and turned back to face him.

"You're telling me what is happening here. Now." he said with a hard and demanding tone. Only a fool could not understand that he was starting to get angry.

"I..."

Before she could finish her sentence, her whole world darkened and she fell over to the commander standing in front of her.

When she opened her eyes, it only took three seconds for her to realise that she was in the infirmary. The first thing she took notice was the absence of that unbearable throbbing. And the second was that she was not feeling dead anymore. With slow movements she straightened and sat under the covers.

"I want an explanation."

She leaped up with the metallic voice she heard and turned right. Kylo Ren was standing in front of her, arms crossed. She rolled her eyes in her mind. _I'm alive, thanks for asking._ She turned her body right and let her legs hang down.

"According to the doctors, you would have been _dead_ , if I had brought you here a little late." Kylo Ren said "You had a cerebral haemorrhage."

Her eyes widened with shock "Cerebral haemorrhage? How?" she asked.

"They've found a wound on your head. A serious wound. It's impossible to cause something like that unless you hit your head to something hard."

She turned her eyes away. _It must have happened last night. How could I have acted that reckless?_

"I'm waiting for you to explain, Alexia."

She took a deep breath "I went to take a shower last night. Two Stormtroopers, the ones that I've humiliated before you yesterday, somehow saw me going there." she said and stirred in an uneasy way. Even its memory was disgusting "They caught me in an... unsuitable moment."

It didn't take Kylo Ren much time to figure out what the intention of the troopers was. It bothered Alexia not being able to see his expression due to his mask. _What could he possible lose if he took that off just for once?_ "Did they... touch you?" he asked, he had waited for a moment to find the right word.

She shook her head in a hurried way "No, no but they tried to. I had hit my head to the marble while struggling. I haven't been feeling good since I woke up in the morning." she said "I've never thought it could be that important."

She really wanted to hide herself under the covers when she felt the vibrations of rage coming from the Commander. They were so, so strong.

"They need to be found immediately and taught their lessons." he said with a hard tone and turned back to leave but Alexia stood up from where she was sitting and held his arm.

"No!" she said, a little bit loudly. Then she lowered her voice "I taught them the lesson they needed to learn, please don't get involved in my case. Please."

For a moment, Kylo Ren stared at her from underneath the mask, then he pulled his arm back harshly "Next time you hide something like that from me, you'll be the first one to suffer the consequences, Alexia Gradval. Today's physical training is cancelled. After lunch, you'll come to the place we were yesterday."

"You'll be invading my mind again?!" Alexia asked, she was in complete terror.

"The faster you learn to hold me outside, the sooner these training end. There's no time for whining." he said, then left the room with hard and quick steps. She took the wall as a support and crouched slowly, rested her head to the wall and closed her eyes.

 _I hate the First Order. But most of all I hate that masked creature who calls himself Kylo Ren._

 **Heeyy, I'm here with another chapter!**

 **Thank y'all for the reviews, they really motivate me!**

 **And btw, I think I forgot to tell you guys something important: English is not my native, im actually Turkish but writing in English is more fun, most of the time lol**

 **And I'll tell you another thing, I'm going to change somethings from the timeline of the Last Jedi. For example I'm making the time between the episode 7 even 8 really longer than it actually is. And I'll be having some little things happen earlier than they do in the Last Jedi.**

 **That'd be all for now, don't forget to review!**

 **Wookie hugs .**


	6. -6-

"You must try harder." Kylo Ren's metallic voice said "We'll try again."

As the invisible hands reached out to her mind _once more_. Alexia gritted her teeth. Her back was aching because she had been sitting on that stupid chair for hours and her head was throbbing due to her unsuccessful attempts of kicking Kylo Ren out of her mind. Each time she was so strained that her triceps had started to hurt.

As her dream from last night emerged, _thanks_ to Kylo Ren, Alexia closed her eyes and she almost hissed through her gritted teeth "Stay away from that memory."

"Make me," Kylo Ren said and watched the memory of the dream again and again until she couldn't bare it and started to scream. Alexia's head fell to her knees as soon as the invisible hands were pulled back. She was out of breath and had no strength left to sit up straight and her sleeveless tunic was soaking wet because of her sweating.

"Do you understand that you need to use the Force to build up that wall between myself and your mind?" Kylo Ren asked. She muttered something like _yes_ "Good, then we'll try again."

Suddenly, Alexia raised her head and straightened " _Again_?" she asked "I don't have the strength to _breathe_ , and you're expecting me to do the thing that I was not even able to do at the beginning, when I was as strong as a bell?"

"Essentially, you can reach your real potential at your most desperate times."

She just squinted and sent him deadly looks. She _so indeed_ hated Kylo Ren. She hated the mask he wore individually. That mask was the real reason why she doubted the person sitting in front of her and talking was actually human in the first place.

She started to dig her nails into her palm as she felt her mind being invaded, _again_.

"You can use your hatred towards me as the fuel of the wall you're going to build. Hatred is the most powerful fuel you can find." Kylo Ren said and switched to one of her childhood memories. Little Alexia was playing a game with her father. Her mother was standing behind them with a smile on her face.

Alexia took her head between her hands and fell to her knees "Stay away from those memories," she said, almost begging to him.

"As I said before, make me." Ren said.

"When I learn how to close my mind to you, you're going to regret teaching me that." she said with a weak tone.

"I'll think about that when the day comes, and it doesn't look like that day will be coming soon." he said and moved to another childhood memory of hers. Little Alexia was jumping to her mother's lap and hugging her tight. Her mother was caressing her hair and whispering how much she loved her and that she'd never ever leave her side.

That memory had been her breaking point. She couldn't stop the tears, which had escaped her eyes, but she didn't react either. _I wish I had been dead because of the cerebral haemorrhage._

"Be careful with what you wish," Kylo Ren said with a hard tone and left her mind. She took a deep breath, wiped her eyes and straightened.

"Do not _ever_ toy with my private memories." Alexia said.

"Watch your tone, Gradval," Ren said, his growing anger was noticeable "The person you're talking to is not just your master, but a Commander of the First Order. Remember your place and _never_ question my methods."

Her anger was growing, as well and she stood up in a fury " _Your methods_? Your methods are setting the memories –which were hidden into the remote corners of my mind, otherwise they _torture_ me –free and putting me in a week, miserable position? Do you really think that you can make me stronger by showing me my memories about my family again and again? Don't you know what an emotion is?"

It was too late when she realised that the last sentence was crossing the line.

Kylo Ren swiftly extended his arm forwards and closed his fingers. Invisible hands held her from her throat and lifted her in the air as she struggled to breathe. Before long, Ren opened his fingers and lowered his arm; Alexia fell onto her knees and started to cough.

"You'll learn to hold your tongue, Gradval, the hard way if needed be, but you'll learn." Kylo Ren said, his voice was like venom "Tomorrow morning, at the same time in the same place. If you're late, then I'll protract the mind-closing practice."

She stood up after the footsteps of the Commander had gone far away. But she knew that she had to put on her usual strong and self-confident look, therefore she held her shoulders high and kept her face blank until she locked the door of her room from the control panel. After dialling the last number for the passcode, she wiped away the mask and slowly sat on her bed.

She felt herself drowning in hatred, missing, anger and sorrow. But above all she was angry, really angry. She wanted to kick or smash something but she didn't even have the strength to move her arm. Instead she took her pillow, buried her face inside and started to scream at the top of her lungs. But the only thing that could be heard was the muffled voices which were left by the absorbed screams.

After feeling her vocal folds hurt, she put the pillow back and scarcely got rid of the clothes on her, wore a long t-shirt. She lied backwards onto the bed, which was surprisingly soft, and thought while watching the ceiling. Suddenly she was aware of something.

 _Even though how much I piss him of with my words and actions, Kylo Ren can't kill me, doesn't matter how hard he wants to. All in all, he didn't take the responsibility of my training willingly, it was obligated to him by the one they call the Supreme Leader. And the Supreme Leader wants me to grow up in the Dark Side and be a strong commander, so this means Ren is already aware of the consequences of killing me._

A sneaky smirk found its way to her lips. _You're going to teach me to hold my tongue, don't you Ren? What a misfortune that you don't know I can't be dissuaded by physical pain... The more you hurt me, the more grows my anger towards you and the rebel within me feeds with that anger. You're feeding the rebel that you're supposed to kill with your own hands._

 _Let's see how many times you'll have to choke me until you realise that._

With black tights and a navy sweatshirt –she had no idea from where the clothes were taken from and when they were put in her cell –she headed to the cafeteria for dinner. As soon as she stepped inside, she realised that everyone was eating dinner at the same time. Inside was a total razzle-dazzle.

She quickly made a list of the empty places and then decided to sit the same corner she sat in breakfast. She grabbed her food and headed to that corner with quick steps. She liked being away from everyone, after all she didn't know anyone.

Dinner had been quiet for Alexia, just as the other two meals. She had eaten fast, because she wanted to go back to her cell as soon as possible –it was the only place that made her feel safe in this hell-like ship. She gave the tray to one of the cleaner droids and headed to the exit with quick and confident steps.

"So the rumours were actually true. There's a _chick_ in the Finalizer!"

Alexia stopped sharply, she knew that she was being sniped. She turned back with slow movements and saw a Stormtrooper heading towards her. He was tall, really tall. Perhaps he was as tall as Kylo Ren. He had long, dark hair and blue eyes –you could not see a single Stormtrooper with his mask in the cafeteria.

Judging by his stance, the tone he used when he spoke and his reckless smirk, Alexia could easily tell that he stood on the final step of the hierarchy, which the Stormtroopers had built amongst themselves.

" _Chick_? Be careful with what you say." Alexia said with a sharp tone.

The Trooper laughed "Well, well; she knows to threat!" he said, a group of Stormtroopers started to laugh upon this. The blue-eyed Trooper took two giant steps towards her "What about coming over to my place tonight?"

"Have you heard about the last Troopers that had been messing with me?" that was all she said. She realised that he didn't know due to his empty-looking eyes. She pointed the table second from the left "Look, there they are! Why don't you ask them and find about what can happen to you as well?"

The Trooper smirked and placed his hand on her hips "Do you think that I'll be afraid of a little girl? Consider the difference of the size, the strength and the experience, then use your loaf, baby."

"I've warned you," Alexia said and extended her right hand forwards. The Force flung the Trooper back till he hit his back hardly to the wall and fell down. Suddenly, whole cafeteria became silent as if someone had pressed a button. Alexia spoke up "Everyone has seen that, hasn't it? Good. If anyone tries to hit on me again, I'll fill the infirmary with them."

She quickly turned back and left the cafeteria. But before she could move five meters away, she had to stop because of the metallic voice coming from behind her. She clenched her fists, the last person she wanted to see right now was that masked creature.

 _I'm here because of him! It's all his fault!_

"Get into that empty control room on the left. Now."

Alexia went to the room on her left while wondering what she was going to live this time. Kylo Ren entered the room right behind her and dialled something to the control panel and the door closed with a vush sound. Commander turned back to her with slow movements.

"What kind of defence you have for all the disorder that was going on inside?" Kylo Ren said "Do you think you can throw Stormtroopers and kick up a row at your own _sweet_ will?"

She was looking at the Commander in front of her with wide eyes " _At my own sweet will_?" she asked with a voice which was loud enough to piss Kylo Ren off "The Stormtroopers, whom you've trained _exceedingly carefully_ , are trying to touch me whenever they get the chance, Kylo Ren!"

There was an annoying silence for a while, then Kylo Ren spoke "Which one was it this time?"

Alexia ran her fingers through her curly hair "The tall, dark haired and blue eyed one. He's big and as tall as you. He acts like he's the leader of the Stormtroopers."

Kylo Ren nodded "I'll speak to Captain Phasma about this topic. And you need to be more careful, with your behaviour and the places you go."

Alexia felt the anger growing inside her one more time "What kind of a care you're talking about when there're more Stormtroopers than humans around? Shouldn't I go eat or shower?" she said and held her head with her hands "How did I end up here?" she murmured.

"Watch your tone." Kylo Ren said in a threatening way.

Alexia raised her head and looked at his mask "You sicken me," she said "I'm going back to my cell. But wait, before I leave I have to drop a curtsey, don't I?" she said and performed an exaggerated curtsey. After she straightened, she was about to walk past him but all of a sudden, she was not able to move.

Kylo Ren was using the Force on her, the vibrations of rage coming from him were posing danger. Alexia smirked to herself. She had crossed the line on purpose, she wanted to see how much further he dared to go and she wanted to choose her words accordingly next time. But at the same time she feared the physical pain she was about to live. She swallowed slowly. _Here we go._

With the corner of her eye, she saw Kylo Ren moving his arm fast. As soon as she saw that, she found herself flying to the wall behind her. She had hit so hard that she could not understand whether the sound came from her bones or from the wall. She let out a high pitched scream and fell onto the floor facedown.

"Do I have to remind you who you are and your place every time?" he roared. Alexia felt herself lifting in the air while she was trying to stand up with her shaking knees. The invisible hands were around her throat once more "When you talk to me, you will not forget that there's a Commander in front of you. And never again you will disrespect me!"

He opened his fingers when her face started to turn purple and pulled back the invisible hands. Alexia fell onto the floor facedown, again. Her lungs were burning and her sight was still dark.

"Supreme Leader Snoke is right, we need to destroy the rebel inside you. Otherwise that rebel will be your destruction.

The door opened and Kylo Ren's footsteps moved away quickly.

 **Hey, how's everyone?? I hope you're all well and you've all enjoyed this chapter as much as I did!**

 **Love.Fiction.2017 thank you for all your lovely reviews so much!!**

 **Don't forget to review, guys (:**

 **Wookie hugs**


	7. -7-

It took almost five minutes for her to fully recover. She stood up with shaky legs and threw herself out of the small control room she was in. She straightened her back and went back to her cell with quick steps. She locked the door after getting inside and took off her clothes. She sat on the swivel chair after wearing a long t-shirt.

Her cell was small and simple, but it had everything she'd want.

When you looked at it from the entrance, the first thing could be seen was the desk and the chair. The desk was attached to the parallel wall to the door. Then, to the left of the desk stood her wardrobe. A pier glass was attached to the outer side of the wardrobe's right door. And to the right of the desk was her bed. The right side of the bed was leaning the wall and there was a night table on the left.

She was given a tablet on the first day. Her timetable was uploaded to it and it was being updated every morning. She could use it as an alarm as well and there was a map of the base.

She made the chair turn around itself and stopped when she was facing the desk again. She took the photograph, which was lying on the tablet. It had no frame, therefore it was wrinkled. But she didn't give a damn about that, the memory it held was all that mattered.

It was a photograph of her mother, her father and her sixteen-year-old self. It had been taken a week before her father's death.

After losing her mother and leaving her home-planet, she hadn't spent a day without carrying this photo with her. She had always kept it close to her, in her pocket. And it was the only thing she was able to take with her from Darkknell, as a matter of course.

She closed her eyes and pressed the photo to her chest. Right now, she was needing their presence more than ever. She had no idea what was waiting her in that goddamn spaceship and she didn't know what to do.

She didn't want to become a female-Kylo Ren, for sure. She would not spent the rest her life in this oppressing place under no circumstances. She would rather die, and she was sure that Kylo Ren knew it as well. He was aware of her stubbornness, but he still thought that he could break that.

 _It won't take him long to realise that he won't be able to choke that rebel unless he chokes me._

She placed the photo on the tablet and took a deep breath. She knew that Kylo Ren would not go easy on her during both the physical and the mental training, even the thought of that made her feel tired. She was feeling that her soul has got five years older just in these two days.

She slowly stood up and walked to the pier glass. For a while, she just examined her reflection. The sapphire blue eyes seemed to hold no more life in them. As long as she could remember, she always had that silvery glint in her eyes; which made her eyes look more fascinating than they already were. Silver and sapphire were a great couple as colours.

But that day, she barely saw any silvery glint in her eyes. They were almost gone.

And her hair... Her chest-length, dark curls had lost their shinny look. It was not about the hair products she was using now, she was sure that the shampoos they had here were way better than the ones she had on Darkknell.

It was about her state of mind. Her emotions were strongly effecting her appearance. When she had hope, the strength to go further; her hair shone. But right now, the only piece of hope she had was lying on the tablet and it was wrinkled.

Ever since she had stepped a foot on this spaceship, she was having an emotional tantrum. Her blood was boiling with rage and hatred, but at the same time she was drowning in the depths of her sorrow and missing. She was lonely, and hurt.

The black t-shirt hang loosely from her body, the bruises on her bare legs and arms could be seen. She turned her back to the mirror, gathered the hair on her left shoulder and raised the t-shirt till her shoulders. She turned her back to look at the mirror and grimaced.

The part of her back, where she had hit to the wall when Kylo Ren threw her, was a disgusting shade of purple. The pain wasn't unbearable, but the sight was.

She quickly let the t-shirt fall down again and walked to the control panel. After turning off the lights, she headed to her bed and quickly got under the dark grey covers. It felt safe and warm.

For several minutes she just watched the ceiling with her hands under her head. Inside her mind was a traffic of thoughts. And the traffic never stopped, it flowed forever to some place she didn't ever know yet.

Suddenly, she found herself thinking about the face under the mask, which she exceedingly hated. To be honest with herself, she really did found him attractive. When he had the mask on, she might have doubted whether he was really a human or not –which she mostly did –but when he took that mask off, the only thing she could see was an attractive, young man; not a creature in a mask.

Despite all the things he had done to her so far, it was indeed odd for her to find him that much attractive but here she was; lying on her bed while thinking about how handsome his facial features were.

She shook herself and let her anger towards Kylo Ren fill her insides. I _can't let his beauty distract me._

She slowly turned to her right, facing the wall, and closed her eyes. Not long after, she was drifted into a deep sleep full of nightmares.

She woke up breathless. She quickly straightened under the covers, leaned the wall and took long, deep breaths in order to calm herself down. She took the pillow and hugged it tightly, she was still breathing fast. She swallowed and closed her eyes.

 _Moonlight, white moonlight_

 _Tangled in the pine tree outside my window,_

 _I watch you shimmer and shiver._

 _Is this life?_

 _Not even the wind can shake you free._

She slowly opened her eyes back, her breathing had calmed down. Those five lines always calmed her down. It was a poem her father used to read her every night before she went to sleep. When he was reading it, she always found herself looking up to the sky from her window.

Her father loved calling her moonlight. It was because he really loved moonlight and also he always told her that the night she was born, he had seen the most beautiful moonlight he had ever seen in his life.

"Moonlight, white moonlight," she muttered to herself. A few minutes later she stood up and headed to the wardrobe. She changed into a tight and a hoodie. Pulling the hood over her head, she left the cell with quick steps.

While playing with the tablet last night –and what she meant with playing was looking at the map of the Finalizer –she had seen a place that was called the Panorama Room. It was written on the map that the Panorama Room was the best place –after the quarters of high-ranked officers, of course –when you wanted to take a look at the space.

And that was all she needed at that moment. Taking a look at the space.

When she reached the door of the room, she placed her hand on the scanner and the door opened. She got inside and locked the door behind her. When she turned back, she was thrilled at the sight.

The room consisted mainly glass. In front of her stood a wall out of glass. There were some couches here and there, but they didn't catch her attention at all. She walked to the glass wall and watched the stars as the ship flew past them.

"I can spend the rest of my life here," she murmured.

She didn't remember seeing that much star at once, even on Darkknell. The sight was breath-taking and all she wanted was the time to stop at that moment. She didn't want to wake up to a horrible morning, see Kylo Ren, train with him... She just wanted one, simple thing –to stay in that room forever.

When she arrived in the training area at ten, Kylo Ren was already there. He nodded when he saw her. She nodded back and took off her sweatshirt, throwing it on a random mattress. Then she started with the simple stretching movements. After ten minutes of warming up, Kylo Ren told her to start with weight-lifting.

An hour of weight-lifting was really intense. She was thin, she had always been thin and she certainly wasn't used to lifting that much weight for that long time. Her biceps were burning but she knew that the tiring part of the training hadn't begun yet.

They moved to the other half of the training area, which was left for combat trainings. Kylo Ren walked to the left wall and pressed a button on a device which was attached to the wall. A faceless hologram appeared.

"This is a training hologram," Kylo Ren began to explain "It has difficulty and type options. We're going to use this both for combat and saber usage trainings. But as you know, holograms do what they're programmed to; so when you start to defeat the final difficulty –which is hard –in rows, then I'll be your opponent."

 _So you're like the extreme difficulty,_ she thought.

"Since I don't know how good your skills are, you'll fight three rounds with the easy difficulty, which is not as easy as it sounds." he said and motioned her to step forward. She walked to the hologram and stood in front of it, taking her fighting stance.

The hologram threw a punch at her but she bent down and its punch ended up in the air. She stood up quickly and passed under its already extended arm, standing behind it. She kicked it from behind its knees before it could turn back to her. The hologram fell to its knees while it turned to her and with a really quick movement, it grabbed her right ankle and pulled it strongly; making Alexia fall backwards on the mattress. She moaned painfully as she hit her already hurt back.

She heard Kylo Ren's metallic voice "Get ready for round two,"

She jumped to her feet and made the first move: faking the hologram as if she were going to punch it from the chin. As the hologram's arms were standing between her right fist and its chin, she punched it from its stomach with her left fist. The hologram backed a few steps.

She heard an approving sound coming from Kylo Ren. She smirked, _He's impressed._

The hologram began to run at her with fast speed. She waited for the right moment, then gave herself a little push with the Force and somersaulted in the air, landing right behind the hologram. But before she could turn back to face it, the hologram kicked her hard from her back –exactly from her wound. She screamed and fell to her knees.

"Oh, fuck," she muttered to herself "That's the second time, c'mon!"

Then her eyes widened with realisation. _It is aware of my injury. I'm going to kick its ass!_

"You bastard," she said to the hologram as she stood up, as if it was going to understand. It threw a punch at her but she held its fist with her right hand, forced it to lower its arm. Then she placed her left hand on its shoulder and used the arm she held as a step to throw her legs over its shoulder. When both her legs were hanging from its shoulders, she forced her body to go up as well and then hit its head with both her elbows.

The hologram fell backwards to the mattress with Alexia on it. She quickly stood up and turned to Kylo Ren "How can a hologram know where I'm injured?"

"That's its feature. It can notice the weaknesses of its opponent."

Alexia frowned "You could have told me."

She was sensing a teasing tone in his voice "I wanted to see how fast your ability of analysing situations like this were."

She made a _hmph_ sound.

"To be honest, I'm quite impressed with your fighting. You've managed to train yourself well in order to fight our troops back on Darkknell. But becoming that far without any mentor or proper training is not something common." he said.

Alexia found herself smirking in a mocking way upon his final sentence but made sure that it wasn't noticeable. _They all believe so damn easily._

"There are some things that need fixing, for example your punching. Your arms are still too weak to form a staggering punch." he pulled a dummy –which was standing in the back corner –in front of her with the Force.

"You want me to punch this?" she asked. He nodded "How many times?"

"Till I tell you to stop." he said, waited for a while then asked "No sign from your sharp tongue today? Or have you decided to be a quick-learner?"

She smirked "We haven't talked much yet, Ren. And you haven't said anything that I'd want to object."

He heaved a sigh "You're making everything rougher for yourself, Alexia."

She raised an eyebrow "Maybe it's because I like it rough, huh?"

He just looked at her for a while. She was _dying_ to see his expression but there was still that damn mask on his head! She was expecting him to tease her, but instead he pointed the dummy "Start with the punching," he said.

She rolled her eyes and threw a punch at the dummy.

 **Sorry for the late update but I'm on holiday so I won't be able to update fast for a while.**

 **Leave me some reviews :)))**

 **Wookie hugs**


	8. -8-

Alexia pressed her lips to each other as she tried to kick Kylo Ren out from her mind but her efforts were for nothing, he was way too powerful. A painful moan escaped her lips as he watched her memories from last night "You've found the Panorama Room? It's one of the best places to go if you can't sleep. But I assume you know that, too." he said "You're still desperate to sleep, I see that joining the First Order has increased the intensity of your nightmares."

 _Joining? I was forced to join this damn order, no one asked what I wanted!_

She had known that he had seen her thoughts as soon as she felt her head throbbing. She squinted as she looked inside his brown eyes "Don't you think that you're not causing me enough pain at the moment?"

And yes, he had taken his helmet off. Her eyes were literally having a feast while looking at his attractive features.

"Seems like I'm not," he replied her, somewhat teasingly. A smirk found its way to his lips as he raised an eyebrow to her. Her eyes widened. _Oh no. That was not supposed to happen, I was making the thoughts from last night blur on purpose!_

 _His face is distracting me._

"I've always known that anger was not the only thing you felt when you saw me." he said.

"Yeah, you're right; there's also disgust, the urge to kill..." she was counting them but before she could finish, she left that throbbing again "Stop doing that!"

He ignored her "So you find me attractive, huh? It's not ethic for an apprentice to fancy her master."

"Stop there, Ren. No one said anything about fancying. Finding you attractive doesn't mean that I want you to fuck me." she said with her usual sharp-tongue. She grimaced upon feeling the throbbing stronger this time "It's not ethic for a master to torture his apprentice."

"Enough talking," he said, his voice was harder this time and he forced his invisible fingers deeper into her mind; finding the nightmare from last night, which she was trying to hide from him at all costs.

"No," she muttered behind her gritted teeth. She was sweating "I don't wanna live it again."

A tear rolled down her cheek as the nightmare began playing in front of her eyes.

 _"You promised me, Alexia," Wyne said to her. The background was black, they were in the middle of nowhere "You promised me to come back. But you didn't. You left me on my own. You left me after you promised, just like your father did to you. Just like your mother did to you. Must be a family trait."_

 _"I wanted to come back to you! But sometimes there are things that are out of your reach, that you cannot control! My father could not control the situation and died in that accident, my mother could not heal from the illness and died in her sleep and I could not defeat the First Order and could do nothing but watch as they killed my soul each day!" Alexia defended herself._

 _"You did have control of the situation, you did have one other choice: You could have stayed with me! You were protecting the children, but at what cost? You could have let the heroes handle the situation but you have always thought that you were the only hero we had. But you are no hero Alexia, you're just a child who has lived bad things, who was left on her own at the age of seventeen. You were and are being torn apart and first, you must save yourself before you start saving the others."_

Somehow, she managed to take a little control over Kylo Ren and stopped him before he could see the rest of it. He raised an eyebrow in return, surely he was surprised that she had managed to stop him at some point.

But then, he started to push harder; trying to break her already weak walls.

She frowned. No, she was not going to let go. As she forced him out of her mind harder, she found a tiny, little gap in his hold and placed all her power there. Suddenly, she felt her mind chancing places, travelling to somewhere. Then, thoughts and memories that did not belong her started to flow in front of her eyes.

 _I'm in Kylo Ren's mind._

 _Wait, I'M FUCKING IN KYLO REN'S MIND?!_

"You," she said "You're just like me. You want everyone to think that you're invincible, that you don't have any weaknesses –not even in your soul. But that is not the real you. That is a man, whom somebody forced you to be. You forced yourself to be like that. Inside you're broken, all in pieces; and you're being torn apart.

"And why? What is the reason of this damage?" she asked and her eyes widened with shock " _You've killed your own father?_ "

The shocked expression on Kylo Ren's face turned to fury and with a movement of his hand, he made her rise in the air and fall back to the ground "Do not ever mess with my mind again, you hear me?!" he roared, rising from his seat.

She stood up, glaring deadly at him "It doesn't matter if my mind is being raped everyday over and over again but when it comes to your mind all hell breaks loose, is that it? Do I look like a fucking doll to you?"

Again, she found herself flying to the wall and falling to the floor. She moaned in pain, then slowly stood up "What is it you want from my beautiful, soft skin?! It's more purple than pale now, thank you very much!"

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked, his voice somewhat calm "You know that all you have to do is to silence the rebel inside yourself."

"Kylo Ren, you're a lot of things but you're not an idiot. You know exactly that the rebel won't be choked unless I'm choked." Alexia said. He didn't reply, which meant that she was right "But you can't kill me even though how much you want to, because you know the consequences of that better than I do.

"The amount of the violence you engage in will not kill the rebel within me, it's only making my hatred towards you grow more and more. And the rebel is feeding with that hatred. You're helping me with keeping it alive."

Kylo Ren spoke slowly "Actually, I was aware of the situation since yesterday but I still thought that I could break you. Seems like I was wrong." he said "But that doesn't mean you can say whatever comes in your mind, or you'll suffer the consequences."

"I wouldn't trust you if you said you'd not choke me again, so I think honesty is better than hearing lies." she said.

He took his helmet and turned to face her "That will be enough training for today." he said and started walking towards the door but suddenly stopped "By the way, I've never wanted to kill you. Yet."

Without waiting for her to say something, he wore his helmet and opened the door from the control panel and left.

Ten days had passed since Alexia had found a way into Kylo Ren's mind.

Day by day, she was growing stronger with the Force; she was able to hide more memories from him but the hardest part was not to make him notice that she was hiding something. Because as soon as he found out, he was breaking her walls and make her suffer the effect of those memories.

Her fighting skills were improving, too. She had been fighting the hologram in medium difficulty for three days. Her punching skills were quiet good when being compared to the first few days.

And her relationship with Kylo Ren?

Well, it was complicated.

They had started to talk more after that specific mind-closing lesson. He was bickering with her, in fact. He was teasing her back when she was teasing him but still, he had that unrestrained temper of his and when she crossed the line –even just a little bit –she always found herself either flying across the room or being choked by invisible fingers.

But the amount of the violence was becoming less day by day, and that was something.

Oh, and since he had seen her thoughts about his pretty face, he stopped wearing his helmet during the trainings. She knew that he was doing that on purpose but she was not the one to object. In fact, she really started to like the sight of his face.

As she walked back to her cell after eating her dinner, she smiled with the thought of the guitar that was waiting for her.

Three day ago, she had seen a room called The Music Room on the map of the base. Being as curious as a cat, she had found herself searching for that tiny, little room. And she had found it. Inside there were some instruments –a saxophone, some drums, a flute and an electric guitar.

As soon as she had seen the electric guitar, she had known that she was in love.

She had found a contactless, pocket size amp, which came with a pair of contactless headphones of its own. **(I know these two sound nutts but c'mon, it's Star Wars technology we're talking about! They can jump to hyperspace so I'm pretty sure that a pocket size amp is a piece of cake for them.)** She had known that no one was using any of these beautiful creations so she took the electric guitar and the amp to her cell.

Yes, she knew how to play the guitar. In fact, that was one of her greatest pleasures.

Since that day, she was spending all her nights playing the electric guitar with the headphones on. It was indeed helping her calm down and relax after everything that had happened or has been happening. It was helping her forget everything that went wrong in her damn life even for two little hours. And that was something she was in need of for a very long time.

She put on the headphones and began to play the guitar as soon as she entered her cell. The second she had the guitar in her hands, it felt like it was only the electric guitar and her that existed. Everything seemed to vanish except them.

As her fingers moved on the strings, her mind was focusing only on that; nothing more, nothing less. She was losing herself between the notes she stroke, the chords she played. Music was her one and only escape from that hell like place.

She slept early that night, her consciousness was drifted to sleep before the clock stroke eleven. But as always, nightmares were waiting for her. She woke up at 2am, and was too afraid to go back to sleep. I really wonder when I will be able to sleep again. These fearful nights kill me.

Soon, she found herself heading to the Panorama Room with her guitar and amp. Since the room was soundproof –the quarters of high-ranked officers, training areas and some other rooms were soundproof –she hadn't taken the headphones.

It was the best thing she had ever experienced, playing the guitar and singing along while watching the endless space. She wanted that night to never end, she really did. It was one of the rare moments that she was grateful to life.

 _I cheated myself_

 _Like I knew I would_

 _I told you I was trouble_

 _You know that I'm no good_

She was so lost in the final song she was playing that she was not able to sense the other presence in the room until she finished playing it. She turned back to see who it was but in fact she didn't need to, she could easily recognise his aura.

"How long have been there?" Alexia asked to Kylo Ren, who was leaning the closed door. For once, he didn't have his armour on. Instead he was wearing dark pants with a black sweater.

"Since you've been playing this very last song." he said and walked towards her. He moved his right hand, making two chairs move right behind them. He sat down "Where did you learn to play the guitar?"

She sat with the guitar on her lap "So you're not angry with me about mooching these?"

He shrugged "Why would I? No one was using them anyway."

"Fair enough," she said "My father used to play the guitar, he was really good at it. He had taught me when I was very little and I've been playing ever since. I used to play with his guitar before I had to sell it for money after my mother's death."

"Money for what?" he asked.

"For leaving the planet and starting off a new life."

He nodded "And what about your voice? Is it about your genetics, too?"

She shrugged "Honestly, I have no idea. Both my parent were not really good singers."

"But you are," he said "You're voice is mellifluous."

Her eyes widened. _Is Kylo Ren complementing me? That's not something you can see every day._

"Thanks," she murmured "You're in a good mood, eh?"

"Probably." he replied "Don't you think about getting used to it."

She smirked "No promises." she said, then added "Actually, it's nice talking to you when you're like this."

"It's always nice talking to me."

"Because you're not the one who gets choked every damn time."

He licked his lower lip "Fair enough,"

She raised an eyebrow "You're not gonna tell me it's my behaviour that gets me choked, not your mood?"

"It's three in the morning, I'm really not in the mood to give you speeches." he said "And as you said, I'm in good mood."

"I'm really starting to like this Kylo Ren."

"You'll be the one who'll be disappointed if you start getting used to this Kylo Ren, so I suggest you do not picture me like this."

She just rolled her eyes.

They sat in silence for ten minutes, they both were lost in their sea of thoughts. Kylo Ren was the one to break it "Alexia," he said. She had never heard him say her name in such way, and she had liked it "Sing something for me."

She was surprised, she really wasn't expecting that "What would you like me to sing?" she asked.

"Anything, just pick something."

She thought for a while, then came up with one of her favourite songs "Wait for a minute, let me tune the guitar." she said. He nodded as she began to tune her guitar half step down; then she played the first chord, which was d minor.

 _We passed upon the stair_

 _We spoke of was and when_

 _Although I wasn't there_

 _He said I was his friend_

 _Which came as a surprise_

 _I spoke into his eyes_

 _I thought you died alone_

 _A long long time ago_

 _Oh no, not me_

 _We never lost control_

 _You're face to face_

 _With the man who sold the world_

 _I laughed and shook his hand_

 _And made my way back home_

 _I searched for form and land_

 _For years and years I roamed_

 _I gazed a gazeless stare_

 _At all the millions here_

 _I must have died alone_

 _A long, long time ago_

 _Who knows? Not me_

 _We never lost control_

 _You're face to face_

 _With the man who sold the world_

 _Who knows? Not me_

 _We never lost control_

 _You're face to face_

 _With the man who sold the world_

Neither Kylo Ren let his brown eyes leave her sapphire ones while she played the song, nor did Alexia. She was already way too familiar with the song, she didn't need to look down to her fingers in order to play it.

And those three and a half minutes felt somewhat special to her, to both of them. It was strange to feel, hard to describe. It felt like it was only two of them left with the song and Alexia's melodic voice surrounding them.

And... and she had felt something special while looking into Kylo Ren's eyes. Something different. She didn't know what it was, she just felt it for that period of time and then it was gone, with no trace behind.

Suddenly, she was pulled away from her thoughts upon feeling her chair move. It moved slowly and quietly towards Kylo Ren. When there were only centimetres left between them, it stopped. She raised her head to look into those familiar, brown eyes.

For a few minutes, he just started into her eyes. She was dying to see his next move. He slowly raised his right hand and placed it on the left side of her face, his thumb was caressing her cheek imperceptibly. She was melting under his touch despite its faintness.

She felt him leaning closer to her, she was feeling his hot breath against her skin. She was breathing too fast, even too fast for him to tell. But he didn't seem to care about her excitement, his only centre of attention was her sapphire eyes.

"Your eyes are ineffable." he whispered. Her heart started beating faster than it already was.

 _Ineffable? That's the most beautiful compliment I've ever heard from anyone._

And for a brief moment, she felt his warm, plump lips touching her forehead. But that moment seemed to last forever. Everything froze, including them.

Fireworks were exploding inside her stomach, she had no idea how she had managed to stay calm. Her heart was trying to get out from her chest and she had forgot how to breathe. Moments ago she was not able to stop her extremely fast breathing and now she just could not breathe.

She was lost inside the feeling of his lips against her soft skin. And even though it was nothing when being compared with the physical contact she had experienced, she was greatly excited, just like a teenage girl who was sharing her first kiss with the boy she liked.

Unfortunately, that brief moment didn't last forever.

Kylo Ren pulled himself back immediately and without saying any other word, he left the room with quick steps; leaving Alexia with a tsunami of thoughts, a yearning for his touch and the ghost of his lips.

 **THEY ARE STARTING TO GET CLOSER!!!**

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much as I did, don't forget to tell me your opinion in the reviews!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	9. -9-

Her thoughts were loud as hell, even after she had gone back to her cell.

She was lying on her left side, facing the wall, eyes closed. But even though how hard she tried to sleep, she just couldn't. She was dying to know what had caused him, Kylo Ren, to act that way!

 _Maybe he was half sleeping?_

 _For fuck's sake, he's Kylo Ren, he should be capable of controlling his actions despite the lack of sleep._

 _I'm so, so confused. I have no idea what to think._

 _I don't wanna think, I just wanna sleep dammit!_

 _But his face is the only thing I can dream about._

Ten minutes later, sleep hugged her with its invisible arms. And for the first time in a long while, she did not have a nightmare.

 **(Time skip)**

The next morning, she had spent more time in front of the mirror. All of a sudden, she wanted to look pretty. Well, not pretty but at least alive. The silvery glint in her sapphire eyes was finally back, and she was feeling actually alive.

 _Not having a nightmare for once_ , she thought, _that's something._

In fact, her dream was kind of _satisfying_. But she had to hide it from Kylo Ren at all cost, even the thought of him seeing it made her blush. It was probably the last thing she wanted at that moment.

 _But it is not my fault that my subconscious wants to kiss him, he was the one who has start all these!_

Yes, she had seen him in her dream. In a quiet... friendly way.

 _His hands were on her hips and hers were wrapped around his neck. As their lips moved together in a synchronised way, she ran her right hand through his soft, dark hair. His warm, plump lips felt so good against hers._

She shook herself. _I have to control myself. My thoughts are not allowed to dwell on him, especially about the dream._

Still, she could not help herself but wonder what was going to happen when they met in the training arena. Was he going to say anything about last night? Was he going to explain himself?

 _Ugh, my head is a real mess._

 **(Time skip)**

She put her tray on the table and sat down. It was lunch time and she knew that she had to eat something but she had lost her appetite. The only thing she did was stabbing the food with her folk while thinking about the training.

He hadn't said anything about last night. Not even a word. He had acted as if nothing had happened between the two. And that was really, really annoying her. The sudden changes in his personality were unbearable indeed.

 _I don't know how to feel about him. Whether to hate him or to like him. He's just so unpredictable!_

 _Anyway, he's going to see how I think about the situation sooner or later._

When she arrived at their usual place of training, Kylo Ren was already there. He took off his mask as she locked the door from the control panel and sat before him. He eyed her for a while "Something's different about you today," he spoke.

"No idea," she lied "Maybe something's different with your eyes today?"

He ignored her reply "Let's see what you have in your mind today," he said as she felt the invisible fingers entering her mind. She clenched her teeth as she hid the dream as far away from him as she could.

His expression didn't even change a bit while he saw her thoughts and questions about the last night. She frowned "Aren't you gonna say something?" she asked.

"What do you want me to say?" he responded her with a question.

"I don't know, it can be anything!"

"I see that you're completely lost in a thousand 'why's, but I'm afraid I'll leave your question unanswered. For now." he said, his voice was not giving anything away.

She began to feel frustrated. _Is he playing with me?_

"As I said, no answers." he replied.

"You're not helping," she muttered.

"I know."

"No, you don't." she said with a sharp tone.

"I know that you can't decide what to feel about me. You want to hate me, Alexia, oh how much you want to hate me, that's a magnificent thing to see but therewithal there's another part of you, which is attracted to me. And neither you can balance them, nor choose one of them." Kylo Ren said "You're as unpredictable as I am."

"I hate it when you see through me."

"I do that all the time, but you do not hate me all the time, do you?" he asked. She chose to remain silent. He forced deeper into her mind, then raised an eyebrow "Am I seeing some new memories or were they hidden from me all the time?"

Her eyes widened with realisation. _I was so focused on hiding the dream from him that I totally forgot about those memories!_ "Shit," she muttered.

"That's pretty much the answer," he said "Care to tell me what are those or do you want them to be a surprise?"

She gulped "They're private memories."

"That's way too superficial, Alexia."

"It'd be very inappropriate if you saw them." she said "Please, just leave them be."

But of course, he didn't listen. As his invisible fingers reached out to those memories, all she wanted was to vanish. Her cheeks were already as red as a beetroot and she had no idea how would she manage to look at him again.

She closed her face with her hands while he watched the memories of her nights with the men she didn't even know. The memories mainly consisted naked and sweaty bodies, groans, soft cries and heavy breathing.

The thought of Kylo Ren seeing her naked was embarrassing enough, but at that moment he wasn't only seeing her naked but doing _various_ things that were really inappropriate for him to see. But beyond the embarrassment, she was feeling rage.

She was indeed angry with him.

She slowly lowered her hands as she felt him retreat from her mind. His cheeks had the shades of red, as well. But that was not the first thing that came to her attention. It was the hunger and the lust inside his brown eyes.

Without thinking about the consequences, she stood up and slapped him. She had hit him so hard that the impact made his head turn to the other side. He placed his left hand on his left cheek as he raised his head to look at her.

"Now I hate you. Completely. Thank you very much." she growled at him.

She thought that he would start yelling at her but instead he apologised "I'm sorry."

Her eyes widened with shock as she felt her anger slowly go away "You're what?" she asked.

"I'm not going to say that thing twice, don't push your luck." he responded, his voice harder this time.

"Anyway," she muttered "I'm going back to my cell, I don't want you to mess with my mind anymore today. Objections? None? Good."

 **(Time skip)**

She had spent the rest of the day in the training area, fighting with the hologram countless times. She had to let out her rage someway and that was the only solution she could come up with.

After she was tired of fighting, she ended up on the mattress, then moved to the dummy and began to punch it. Every time her fist met the dummy, she was starting to feel lighter. It was the perfect way to calm herself down, or she would probably end up making a random Stormtrooper regret the day he was born.

She punched the dummy until her knuckles were bleeding –she was not aware of the pain, she only realised that she was bleeding when she saw the blood marks on the grey dummy. She shook herself and raised her fists.

"Well, not bad. Some bandages and then they'll be like brand new ones." she said to herself.

After bandaging her both fists, she headed to the cafeteria for dinner. She didn't eat much, again but hey, who would not lose her appetite if their mentor saw their dirty memories? Every time she remembered the incident –and that was pretty much all the time –she just wanted to die right there.

 _I need to forget everything,_ she thought, _I need alcohol._

 _But where to find one? I don't even know if they have alcohol on board or not._

 _But I know who might have the knowledge..._

She stood up and walked to one specific Stormtrooper with confident steps. He raised an eyebrow upon seeing her "Look who I see here!" he said but it was impossible not to see the fear in his blue eyes.

She leaned "You'll do a favour for me."

He smirked "No way in hell I'm messing with you again."

She rolled her eyes and waved her hand "You'll take me to the place that the alcohol is being held." she said.

"I'll take you to the place that the alcohol is being held." he repeated her and stood up. She smirked as she followed him. He took her to a storage on the lowest floor of the Finalizer and opened the door for her.

"Wow, that's the best thing I've ever seen since the day I've been captured," she muttered as she looked at the shelves full of various bottles. As she searched for something she liked, she asked the trooper and this time she was not using the Force on him "So tell me, how did you end up here?"

"They captured me, just like they did to you," he said as his blue eyes watched her "I had a great life before I was captured. I had loving parents, a congenial younger sister and an amazing girlfriend."

Alexia frowned as she looked at him "How old were you?"

"Sixteen."

"Sixteen? Isn't that too old?"

"Yes, normally the troopers are taken when they are kids. I was one of the rare exceptions." he said.

She held a bottle which held some green liquid inside "What was so special about you then?"

"My fighting skills. I've a natural talent for that." he replied "They've seen me fighting for my city, then the next thing I remember is being surrounded by a dozen of troopers."

"Then tell me," she said as she took another bottle "Why do you like your life as a Stormtrooper?"

"How do you know if I like it or not?"

"I can see through you, just like Kylo Ren does."

He swore "You fucking Sith lords."

She looked at him "Stop there. I'm no Sith, so is Ren, too."

He raised an eyebrow "How so?"

"The Sith are extinct, you idiot. The last ones had killed each other. Darth Vader and Darth Sidious." she answered, then added "Plus, there are _always_ two Sith. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice."

"So this Supreme Leader is no Sith?" he asked.

She nodded "You must be trained by a Sith in order to become a Sith. Not every Dark Side user is a Sith, remember that." she said "Anyway, back to the topic."

"Why do I like my life? Well, because I'm the most powerful trooper here and that makes me kinda their chef, I mean as a trooper not like Captain Phasma."

"I get it. You just say whatever you want and they do it or they do it." she said "I sense a rebel within you."

"She, Phasma, tried so hard to kill that rebel but there was nothing much she could do since I was too old for their brainwash thingy. She wanted to kill me but she knew losing someone as strong as me would be a great failure, so that's why I'm still here." he explained.

She walked to the closed door and sat down, leaning it. She motioned him to sit as well "Do you have a name?"

"LS-7614," he said "But I'm also known as Lyonsse."

 **Heyy how's it going?? I hope everyone's all right!**

 **I need more reviews...**

 **Wookie hugs**


	10. -10-

"Lyonsse," Alexia said "I liked your name. And I'm Alexia Gradval." she opened one of the bottles and took a big sip "We're alike in some ways, especially being incorrigible rebels."

He smirked "I've sensed that rebel in you the moment you spoke to me."

"Y'know, if you give up seeing me as a walking pussy, maybe we can be friends." she said and extended a bottle to him "Wanna give it a try?"

"I gave up seeing you as a walking pussy the moment you flew me through that wall, girl." he said as he took the bottle, opened and drank "You're the most badass girl I've ever met."

"I take that as a compliment."

"So," he said "Why are you drinking?"

She brought the bottle to her lips and finished the half of it "Kylo Ren," was the only thing she said.

He nodded "That explains everything, then. He has that temper problem, I've experienced that a couple of times. Oh, the control panels we've lost because of his lightsaber..."

"He loves choking me."

"I can see why," he muttered "With that sharp tongue of yours, you're lucky to be alive."

She drank the other half of the bottle at once, then smirked as she threw the bottle "Kylo Ren can't kill me, darling. Snoke wants me trained as a powerful Dark Side user. He wants me to become a female Ren."

"Have you seen him?" Lyonsse asked "I mean the Supreme Leader."

Alexia nodded "He's ugly."

After the drinking session was over, Lyonsse wanted to escort Alexia back to her cell because of her current condition. She wanted to reject him at first but after seeing that she was not able to take three steps without falling down, she had to accept.

She was totally drunk. She didn't even remember how many bottles she had finished.

Lyonsse had only drank one bottle, so he was able to support her while they walked. But instead of her cell, she told him to take her to the training area. He knew that she would not listen to him even if he objected, so he just obeyed her silently.

"Here you are," Lyonsse said as he put her down onto a mattress "Don't do anything stupid."

"I don't take orders from anyone, darling." she said "Anyway, thanks."

He nodded and then left. She was actually happy that at last she had someone to spend time with. Being the only rebels in the Finalizer was the main reason why they had become friends just in a few hours. The other reason was drinking together.

She stood up slowly and started walking with baby steps as she sang a song. But before she could reach the dummy, she fell down. The same thing happened twice more and at last she gave up, lying on the floor backwards as she still sang the song.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

She knew it was Kylo Ren. His voice was in that irritating, metallic tone again.

"Leave me alone." she said but frowned as she heard his footsteps "If you're going to stay here then at least take that fucking mask off."

She heard him taking the mask off, placing it on a mattress "If you command me one more time, Gradval, I'll throw you to the other end of the room."

She shrugged "I don't care. I'd not care if you threw me into the space either." then suddenly she stood up "Hey, wait, I still don't wanna see your face." she said and tried to walk past him but ended up falling down, again.

Kylo Ren frowned as he walked next to her and sniffed a few times "Alexia, I can smell the alcohol from here!" he said "Who gave you the permission to drink?"

"I just do whatever I want, darling." she said, smirking.

He rolled his eyes "You're drunk, even an imbecile can tell that. How much did you drink?"

"Dunno," she responded "Lost the count. Five bottles perhaps?"

"I want to smash your head right now."

She sat on the floor as she showed him her middle finger "Fuck you, Kylo. Wait, why I am still talking to you anyway?" she said as she stood up and began to walk towards the door with baby steps.

"You're dramatizing." he muttered.

Alexia stopped and turned back to face him " _Dramatizing_? You've seen me sucking other men's dicks, and yet I'm the one who's dramatizing? Let me watch you screwing other women and then we'll see who's dramatizing!"

"It was an accident, okay?"

"I've tried to warn you, Kylo Ren but you needed to rape my mind once more, didn't you?!" she shouted at him.

"I thought that the memories were about your childhood again, how could I know?!" he shouted, too.

She sent him deadly glares "I'm going to my cell. And I don't wanna see your face until I come here for training next morning." she said but after taking a few steps, she ended up on the floor once more.

He heaved a sigh as he walked towards her and held her bridal style "Shut up, Alexia, you can't even take two steps without falling down." he said as he exited the training area with her.

She frowned, then crossed her arms and turned her face to the other direction "I hate you."

It was obvious that he was trying hard to control his temper. She knew that she would be flying across the corridor if she weren't drunk as hell "You're welcome."

When they entered Alexia's cell, Kylo Ren put her down onto her bed. She lied on her back as she watched the ceiling "I'm not gonna remember any of this." she muttered "I mean probably after the third bottle or something like that."

"I'll help you remember, don't worry." Kylo Ren said as he looked around the room.

Alexia rolled her eyes "You just can't keep your hands away from my mind, can you?"

"Speaking of your mind," he said and looked at her "You're like an open book right now."

"Shit," she muttered "I don't want you to see more of my dirty memories."

"I don't intend to invade your mind tonight," he said as he took something from her desk "If I did, you probably would not shut up the whole night. You're worse than you already are when you're drunk."

"Thank you very much, your sir Kylo Ren sir!" she said sarcastically and slowly straightened, sitting on her bed "What's that in your hand?"

"The photograph from your desk," he responded "Your mother looks somewhat familiar to me."

"It's because I look like her, dummy." she muttered.

He heaved a sigh as he placed the photograph back on the desk and hauled the swivel chair towards her bed, then sat on it "I wonder something," he murmured "Why did you continue working as a prostitute even though your friend Wyne was able to afford everything you both needed?"

"I had to make my own money and save it." she replied almost automatically.

"We both know that this is not the actual reason, Alexia." he said.

She looked away from him as she spoke "It was my way of letting go. But it was too late when I realised that those nights were killing me from inside."

He stood silent for a while, then spoke slowly as he saw the guitar "What happened to your father?"

She closed her eyes, not even looking anymore "He died in an accident. He was a pilot, first a Rebel pilot then a Resistance. He died bombing one of your bases." she said and opened her eyes, looking at Kylo Ren "The First Order's."

"Now I see why you hate being here that much."

She nodded "Anyway, it's my turn." she said "I wanna know why you acted that way last night."

He turned his eyes away "What does it matter?"

"I need to decide whether to just hate you or not." she responded "To be honest, I have no damn idea what to feel about you. Sometimes –no, most of the times –I hate you so fucking much but at times like this I can't help but like you."

He muttered something. She frowned "Sorry?"

"You're not the only one feeling that conflict," he spoke quietly "You're fun to talk with but you just love crossing the line and making me fly into a rage."

She smirked "Being a rebel is in my blood, there's nothing you can do about that, darling."

"Tell me about it," he muttered under his breath. She frowned again "Nothing."

"Well," she said "Tell me then. Why?"

He took a deep breath "She's not going to remember any of these anyway," he muttered to himself and looked at her "This... attraction you feel towards me is not one sided."

She raised an eyebrow.

"There's a reason why the Stormtroopers are all over you, which you know why." he continued. She nodded, he was meaning her beauty. In fact, she was not that attractive at all, compared to some other girls. Her breasts were average-sized, her hips as well. Her waist was slender, which was mostly creating the balance. She had always found her face more attractive than her body but it seemed like the troopers were thinking the otherwise "And you're around me most of the time. I think the attraction between us is unavoidable."

"So what does that mean, then?" she asked.

"Well," he said as he leaned back "Attraction is something physical, not emotional. You can be attracted to anything. And attraction brings passion as well, which is one of the strongest drives of the Dark Side. As long as this attraction stays only physical, there's nothing to worry about."

"To be honest, I don't think both of us are capable of growing that kind of feelings to another, any other."

He raised an eyebrow "How can you be so sure? Not about yourself but about me?"

She shrugged "I just know." she said, then slowly smirked "I think I don't need to ask my second question, since you pretty much answered that, too."

"What question?"

"I've seen the lust and hunger inside your eyes when you saw those memories." she responded "And I was the one fancying you, huh?"

As soon as she saw him frown, she felt his invisible fingers entering her mind. He reached for her dream from last night. She swore while he watched it, again and again. After he retreated from her mind she showed him her middle finger "You were not going to invade my mind tonight, remember?"

He smirked "I lied."

She rolled her eyes "I _knew_ you were lying."

"But I was not the only one who was lying, was I?" he asked with a teasing tone "Care to remind me what exactly you said to me that day when I told you that you fancied me?"

She smirked, too "I lied." she said, then turned left, letting her legs hang "So, you're saying that we can do _whatever_ we like as long as we don't grow... emotionally attached to each other, right?"

He thought for a while, then spoke "Yeah, that's pretty much the deal."

She stood up "Well, then it means that there's nothing wrong," she spoke slowly as she placed her hands on his shoulders and suddenly sat on his lap, straddling him "When I do this?"

He struggled to find the right words "That's the alcohol."

She tilted her head "Maybe yes, maybe no. You can't know."

"Well, do you know?" he asked.

"Probably yes, we'll see next morning." she said, then smirked "You _like_ it when I tease you, don't you darlin'?"

He placed his hands on her hips and smirked, too "What do you want to do next?"

She moved her hands to his neck, her fingertips were touching his hair "I want to run my fingers through your hair." she responded, then without waiting for him to speak, she moved her right hand to his hair. She was feeling him relax under her touch. She slowly leaned to his face, then whispered "Now, I want to _kiss_ you."

Just as she expected, he did not pull back. But he did not closed the distance between them, either. He just waited for her to make the moves. She had no idea why he was letting her take the lead, but she had certainly liked it.

Alexia moved her face closer and pressed her lips to Kylo Ren's very, very slowly.

 **The tension was reaalllyy high in this chapter, dont you think so?? I hope you liked it as much as I did!!!**

 **Thank you very much, those who review! You keep me going!**

 **As always, dont forget to review**

 **Wookie hugs**


	11. -11-

After feeling Alexia's lips against his, Kylo Ren lost his control over himself and took the lead, as he should have done from the very beginning.

The kiss started slow but as their lips moved together in a synchronised way, everything started to become more passionate. Alexia opened out her mouth, deepening the kiss as his tongue slid into her mouth. She moaned quietly and pressed herself harder to him.

With a thousand efforts, he pulled himself back before things could get farther. Normally he would not hesitate taking the advantage of a drunk and eager girl but that time, he didn't. He couldn't.

Because he was pitying her. After all those men and Stormtroopers, he was indeed pitying her.

 _I shall not pity anyone._

 _This is not the way I was trained._

 _This is not the way of the Dark Side._

"I must go. And you must sleep. Now." he said. Alexia stood up reluctantly and got under the covers. He stood up as well.

"Will I remember these tomorrow?" she asked like a little girl.

"I'll make sure you will not." he said as he touched her forehead.

She frowned after he pulled his hand back "I hate you, Kylo."

"I know." he said, took one last look at her and turned back, exiting the cell with quick steps. He went back to the training area, took his helmet, put it on and headed to his quarters. After getting inside he took off his helmet and armour, then moved to the massive window which showed the space with every little detail.

 _What the fuck is wrong with me?_

He was not growing stupid emotions for her, no not at all. He had killed all his little, stupid feelings along with the little, stupid boy he used to be. That was not the case. But still, something was different when she was around him.

Maybe it was her beauty or her powers or the way she stood up to him, he didn't know but something was causing his attraction to her and it was growing. He had been able to hold it in the minimum amount until that night in the Panorama Room. The memory accident had only caused the growing to get stronger.

 _As long as there's no emotional bond, the attraction will not be a problem for us._

 _And she was right, we both cannot grow emotionally attached to one other._

He moved his right thumb on his lower lip. Still, he was feeling the ghost of Alexia's lips on his. The taste of the alcohol was still there. And the effect was intoxicating. All the things that had happened tonight were intoxicating.

 **(Time skip)**

Her head was throbbing when she woke up. She moaned in pain as she stood up and held her head. _Shit, how much did I drink last night?_ The last thing she remembered was Lyonsse, trying to take the fourth bottle from her hands, but she didn't let him. After that, most of the things were blank.

 _I hope I hadn't done something stupid._

She took a painkiller from her drawer –simple meds were given to her in case anything unexpected happened –and got dressed. She left her cell and headed to the cafeteria. The breakfast went fast, she didn't eat much as always. When she was about to leave, someone called her.

"Morning, Alex."

She turned back and saw Lyonsse. She smiled weakly "Hey,"

"Are you alright?" he asked "You were pretty wasted last night."

"Yeah, tell me about it," she muttered as she sat down next to him "Did I do or say things that I must not?"

"Well, yeah, a little." he responded "But no one heard them except me, don't worry."

Her eyes widened "What were them? What did I tell you?"

He smirked and leaned to her ear "You told me your fantasies about Kylo Ren," he whispered. Alexia was feeling her cheeks turn red "That you found him pretty attractive and wanted to do dirty things with him, if he were not an asshole."

"Fuck," she muttered "Don't you tell anyone about those."

"My lips are sealed," he said as he pulled back "Anyway, it was fun. I mean drinking with you. You talk a lot when you drink."

"I know," she said and stood up "Gotta go. See ya some time."

 _My fantasies about Kylo Ren?_ she thought as she headed to the training area, _Didn't know I had any. Perhaps they were buried deep down._

Kylo Ren was already there when she entered the training area. After she got in and locked the door, he took off his mask "Start with the weights." he told her.

Alexia rolled her eyes "Good morning to you, too, Kylo." she muttered, then stopped as she realised that she had spoken him with his first name "Sorry, I don't know why I called you that."

He shook his head "It's okay, you can call me with my first name, it was about time actually."

She nodded and took the weights but her thoughts were wandering somewhere else. She didn't think that they were close enough for Alexia to call him Kylo, but it seemed that he thought so. And that made her wonder.

 _What if something with him happened last night that I do not remember?_

 _I need to reach those memories after the mind-closing lesson._

 _I've got a bad feeling about this._

After she was finished with weight lifting, she walked through the hologram. She took her fighting stance as Kylo set the difficulty "From now on, you'll be working with the hard difficulty until you master it as well. Then, we'll go on with the weapons."

Day by day, she was growing stronger with the Force and using it more to her advantage while fighting. She could easily sense the hologram's attacks, but Kylo was not allowing her to use the Force on the hologram. He always said that she needed to adjust the hard way first.

She leaned right as she felt the hologram was going to punch her from the left side. Then, without wasting any time, she threw a punch to its jaw. _Punch the jaw to shake one's world._ The hologram fell to its knees. Alexia kicked it from its head, knocking it out.

She looked at his mentor, and he gave her a slight nod.

The hologram stood up and took its fighting stance. This time Alexia was the first to attack. She threw a punch to its kidney but before her fist could meet the body, the hologram held it in mid-air. Alexia's eyes widened with shock but before she could react, a powerful punch was thrown at her, knocking her out.

She moaned in pain as she stood up "Not to my breasts, you asshole!" she shouted to the hologram and grimaced "That hurts,"

As soon as she felt Kylo Ren's eyes on her, she looked down to her tunic. Its already wide open neck had gone down, leaving her bra and the sides of her breasts exposed. She quickly pulled it up again. _Kylo Ren is all over me, too. How great._

 _I kinda like it, though..._

 _Argh, shut up!_

She took her fighting stance and waited for the hologram to make the first move. It threw a kick to her feet but she jumped just in time, somersaulted in the air and landed after it. She quickly jumped on it, making both of them fall down but she was on top. She held its head in her hands and made it hit the floor. It was knocked out once more.

She took a deep breath and stood up, looking at her mentor "Your skills improve every day, Alexia, but I wish that you could show the same success in our mental trainings, too." he said.

"I will, Kylo." she said "I can already keep some memories away from you and kick you out of my mind if I have the right drive. In no time I'll build up that wall and you will not be able to invade my mind anymore."

A smirk found its way to his lips "We shall see," he said, then pulled the dummy in front of her with the Force "Your punching can still use a little more training, but..." he stopped when he saw the scars on her fists. He took her hands in his gloved ones "What happened?"

"Nothing important," she responded as she pulled her hands slowly back "I was just too hard on myself."

"Try your best not to hurt yourself, Alexia, we cannot lose a single day." he said, his tone harder this time. Then he motioned with his head. She nodded and began to punch. Three punches later, he shook his head and stepped towards her "Your stance is not correct, you're holding your arms too high."

He walked behind her, then held her right elbow from behind her and pulled it a little bit down "Like this," he said. She moved her left arm down as well as she took a deep breath.

 _He's standing way too close_ , she thought, _I cannot focus on anything in this position. No chance._

"And you're standing too straight." he told her as he slid his hands to her hips and lowered her a little bit "That's it."

But, he did not step back. She was feeling his chest rise and fall as he breathed, their bodies were pressed to each other. She could not think about anything but the heat which was spreading from his body.

 _I have to say something!_

She cleared her throat as she spoke "Okay, let's make this clear: Seeing my private memories doesn't mean that you can touch me whenever you like." Alexia said but still, he didn't step away. Instead, his grip on her hips tightened and he moved his face down to her neck. Feeling his hot breath on her neck was making her get goose bumps.

And without a warning, he pressed his lips on her neck.

She shivered and she knew that he had felt that, too. But he didn't care and started moving his lips down, slowly. After reaching her collarbone, he let his lips linger there for a few moments, then moved his lips up to her jawline. A faint whimper escaped her lips as she felt Kylo Ren's teeth on her earlobe.

Suddenly he stepped back and left her with the yearning for more of his kisses. She slowly turned back to face him but she had no idea what to say.

"Try that stance again," he said, acting like nothing had happened between them. Alexia's eyes widened upon hearing that but she quickly shook herself and started acting the way he did but she couldn't help herself and gaze at him every now and then.

 **Hello my space babies!! Yes I'm gonna call you space babies now on i hope you find that cute as well!**

 **What a chapter, eh? Don't forget to review and those who had been reviewing to the last chapters, thank you sooo much!!! We're a growing family :D**

 **Btw, I've created an archive in Pinterest which is dedicated to this very story, I'd appreciate it if you checjed it out! My user name's darthmetal00 (:**

 **Wokkie hugs**


	12. -12-

"Hey, rebel boy!"

Lyonsse turned to face Alexia, he was sitting on his usual place in the cafeteria "Stop calling me that." he muttered.

"Too late," she said as she smirked "Anyway, I need to talk to you. In private."

He nodded and put his mask on as he stood up. They left the cafeteria with quick steps and he followed her into an empty control room. She locked the door behind them and watched him as he took his mask off.

"Did something with Kylo happen last night?" she asked.

He shook his head "As far as I know, no. But it might have after I left you in the training area."

Her eyes widened "You left me in the _training area_ when I was drunk as _hell_?!"

He pointed her with his index finger " _You_ wanted me to take you there, wise ass! You've no right to get angry with me." he said "I told you that it was nonsense but you didn't listen. You said that you wanted to punch something. I knew it was useless to argue with you so I just did what you wanted."

Alexia held her head with her hands "Shit," she muttered "He found me there, in the training area, and took me back to my cell. Because I woke up in my cell."

"Pretty reasonable, since you were not able to take two steps without falling down." he said, then raised an eyebrow to her "So did you to had..."

She interrupted him before he could finish "No..! Maybe... I don't know, okay?! I don't remember a fucking thing!"

"You can just check the sheets, easy peasy."

She crossed her arms "I am not a virgin, you idiot."

"Well, then in that case there's nothing we can do, right?" he asked, then added "Unless you know a Sith-trick for that?"

Alexia rolled her eyes "For the last time, I am not a Sith!"

"Whatever."

She took a deep breath "Yes, there's a trick for that but I have to wait till afternoon." she said, then checked the time "Shit, I must get going. I'll see you some time."

 **(Time skip)**

"Stormtroopers are not here for you to befriend them, Alexia." Kylo Ren said as he retreated from her mind. He had learned about the friendship of Lyonsse and Alexia.

"I'm just befriending one trooper, Kylo, not the entire army." she muttered "I need someone to laugh with, do you understand? And since you're not the laughing type, I've found myself someone that I can have fun with."

"Don't you come crying to me if he dares to..." he started but Alexia didn't let him finish.

"I see through him. And he's afraid to try something like that again, I can assure you."

He eyed her for a while "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you." he said "What was I expecting anyway? Two rebels finding each other. What a surprise, huh?"

Alexia had something to say but she kept it to herself, not wanting him to choke her.

His invisible fingers reached for her mind once more. She threw her head back "To be honest, I wasn't expecting you to be an alcoholic." Kylo muttered as he watched her memories from Darkknell which included her drinking sessions.

"Alcohol has always been the best way to let it all go," she responded as she tried to kick him out "It was the only way to forget all those night with the men I didn't even know."

"I cannot blame you for that," he said and swiped to another memory. Alexia's eyes snapped open as she raised her head, looking inside his eyes.

"Kylo," she whispered "Please."

"You need to learn, Alexia." he said "This is the only way."

She bit her lower lip as her last memory with her mother played in front of her eyes.

 _"Promise me you'll wake up again." said seventeen-year-old Alexia. At the same time she was tightly holding the hand of the curly, brown haired woman, who was lying under the covers._

 _A smile appeared on her mother's pale face "It's just a sleep, dear, I'll wake up just as I do every day. There's nothing to worry about."_

 _But they both knew that it was a lie. This was just the beginning of her eternal sleep._

 _Alexia was not able to hold back her tears "What... What if you do not wake up, mum?"_

 _Her mother squeezed the young girl's hand "You know how to survive, sweetheart, you know how to live on your own. You're strong enough to handle it on your own. Your father and I, we've raised you well. I know you can do. Just one thing –never lose your hope. When there's hope, there's life."_

 _And with that, she fell asleep for the last time._

 _Alexia held her mother's body tight as she sobbed loudly. She did not want to believe that she had lost the very last person she had in this damn life. She wanted to deny the truth. She sat there and cried for hours._

 _After that, she had gone out to the garden for some fresh air. She needed to think clearly and for this, she needed fresh air._

 _But instead of peace, the fresh air brought rage to her. As a tantrum took her over, she closed her eyes and screamed to the night at the top of her lungs. Little she realised that everything around her was flying, crashing at each other._

"ENOUGH!" Alexia screamed as she kicked Kylo out from her mind. The Force she had used was too strong that it made Kylo's body move backwards even if it were mental. And in that tiny, little moment; she creeped into his mind.

 _"There has been an awakening," Supreme leader Snoke told Kylo Ren "Have you felt it?"_

 _"Yes."_

Before she could see the rest of the memory, Kylo Force-choked her. But that time, he did not let it last long. She fell to her knees as soon as the invisible fingers around her throat disappeared "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT INVADING MY MIND?!" he roared and for the first time, Alexia was actually afraid of Kylo Ren.

She sat on the floor and crawled backwards, away from him, till her back met the wall. She was still coughing "I... I'm sorry." she said, her voice weak "I was not trying to creep into your mind. It just happened in a blink of an eye."

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down "Don't let it happen, Alexia. You must control your power."

She slowly stood up and sat back on the chair "Can... Can I ask something about what I saw?"

He thought for a while, then nodded.

"Was he talking about me?"

"Yes." Kylo responded "At that night, Supreme Leader had felt your power but none of us were able to detect the source of it. I think that someone or something was protecting you, hiding you from our eyes."

Alexia just looked away without saying anything.

 **(Time skip)**

She panted as she opened her eyes and held her head with her hands. She just could not reach the memories from last night, and it was driving her mad. It was like, something was forcing them to hide from her. She was feeling the invisible barrier inside her mind that separated her from them.

She sat on her bed cross-legged once more and closed her eyes. Her conscious stormed pass all her memories and thoughts, still searching for one specific time. When she was not able to move forwards anymore, she knew that she had reached her destination.

 _I have to unlock them. I have to destroy this damn wall._

She pushed the wall with all her strength but again, it was no use. No matter how much power she used, she could not damage it even the slightest. She tried to stay calm as she thought about another solution.

 _What if I try to erase it instead of destroying?_

 _That might work_.

She just thought of that wall disappearing, over and over and over again until it worked. When there was no barrier between her reach and the memories, she took a deep breath and let her conscious slid between them.

 _"This... attraction you feel towards me is not one sided."_

 _"There's a reason why the Stormtroopers are all over you, which you know why. And you're around me most of the time. I think the attraction between us unavoidable."_

 _"Attraction is something physical, not emotional. You can be attracted to anything. And attraction brings passion as well, which is one of the strongest drives of the Dark Side. As long as this attraction stays only physical, there's nothing to worry about."_

As her conscious returned to the present, the very first thing she did was moving her index finger on her lips. She had kissed Kylo Ren. On his lap. She had kissed Kylo while sitting on his lap. She lied on the bed as a silly smile found its way to her lips.

 _He's attracted to me, too. This makes everything different, then._

 _He liked it when I tease him. This is gonna be useful._

 _Shit, I wanna kiss him again. But I know I can't unless he lets me somehow._

 _I have to wait for him to take the first step._

 _I hate being patient._

She stood up slowly and walked towards her wardrobe, grabbing black tights, a black tunic and a white zip-sweater. After wearing them, she took a look at herself on her mirror. Her black curls were creating an astonishing couple with the white sweater. She did not zip it and left her room, heading to the Panorama Room.

When she got inside the room, she sat in front of the massive window and crossed her legs. Ever since she had found this very place, her nights had been becoming more pleasant than before. She was feeling that she was getting somehow attached to this room.

She reached out to the water bottle on her left and opened it, then with a small movement of her hand some water came out of it, hanging in the air in front of her. She smiled slowly, playing with the water through the Force was her way of relaxing nowadays.

She did various things with the water: making it turn whirlpool, letting it hang in the air just as drops, making it flow around her arm... With the breath-taking view of the Panorama Room in front of her, everything she did felt more soothing.

As she poured the water back into the bottle, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She knew he was here, of course she did, it was impossible not to feel his presence when he was around her.

"Are you doing this on purpose," Alexia asked as she turned her back to face Kylo Ren "Keep finding me at the times that I want to be alone?"

 **Hello my space babies!! How's everyone? Sorry for the late update but the school's back on and the teachers don't give a damn if it's the first week of the second semestre or not, so I'm pretty much dead on week days ):**

 **Don't forget to review, as always**

 **Wookie hugs**


	13. -13-

"I used to come to the Panorama Room to have a piece of mind, until you came." Kylo Ren said.

"You have a view better than this in your _own_ chambers, Kylo." Alexia said and turned back to the view in front of her "You just want to be around me."

He did not answer, which meant that she was right. Suddenly, she felt a disturbance in her mind but it was too late when she realised what was happening. She stood up aggressively and turned to face him "Just for once, show respect to my privacy!"

But he was surprisingly calm "You've reached your memories from the last night." he said and raised an eyebrow "How? The girl who cannot protect her own mind from me sees through the walls in her mind that I've personally built?"

"You underestimate me." she said "You always do."

"Because you never reveal your true potential. I feel that there's so much more inside you but you choose to ignore them instead of using."

Alexia took a deep breath and turned her back to him, facing the space once more "They all come in time."

He walked towards her and stopped when he was standing right next to her "How do you feel now? Happy?" he asked.

She turned her head right to look at him "Define the statement 'happy'."

Kylo frowned "Now you sound like a droid."

Alexia found herself slightly smiling as she once more turned her head back to the massive window "I just love watching the stars. It reminds me of Darkknell."

"And your friend," he said "What was her name?"

"Wyne," she responded bitterly "Do you think I will ever get the chance to see the night sky in Darkknell?"

"Probably not," he answered her "But if we were to go on an expedition on Darkknell, then you might have the chance."

"Will I be going with you to the future expeditions?" Alexia asked excitedly as she looked at Kylo.

He ran his left hand through his dark hair "It's up to the Supreme Leader."

She frowned as she crossed her hands "I don't like him." she muttered.

Kylo raised an eyebrow "And why is that?"

Alexia rolled her eyes "Um... Dunno, maybe 'cus he's evil?"

He smirked "Well, Alexia, I'm evil too." he said in a teasing way.

"I don't like you either." she said in a teasing way as well.

"I know," he muttered "Then it seems that I was right."

"Right about what?" she asked.

"That you are not Dark. Light's still strong with you."

Alexia laughed "Light? Me?" she said "I'm no Light, Kylo. Grey would be the right word for me."

"Speaking of colours," Kylo said as he pointed her sweater with his head "You should wear white more. It suits you."

"I prefer darker shades, but thanks." she muttered, then looked inside his brown eyes "Why can't you be like this the other times when I'm around as well?"

"At those times, I'm there as your mentor, Alexia. We can't be friendly."

"Yeah, this morning was not _friendly_ at all." she said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes.

"Look, I just can't, okay? I shouldn't even be doing this right now." he said.

"I think it is nice." she said "I like it when we talk like normal people, without all that violence or the hatred between us."

"It's wrong for us to enjoy each other's presence." he said bitterly.

"Snoke's stupid rules," she muttered to herself, then asked Kylo "Why is it? Are you afraid that we might fall in love?" the look he gave made her laugh loudly "I was just joking. That'd never happen, as I told you last night."

"Speaking of which," he said "You are not bombing me with questions as you always do?"

She shrugged as she took the water back from the bottle and began to play with it while she talked "You had answered my questions last night, so why should I ask you more?" she said, then for a brief moment she looked inside his eyes instead of the water that was flowing around her fingers "I just wonder what thing: what are we? What will happen between us now?"

"Us?" he asked "There's no such thing as _us_ , Alexia, how many times do I have to tell you? There will not be. You cannot even speak about such things."

"Why?" she asked, somewhat angrily. Then she corrected herself "Do not get me wrong, I'm not asking this because I want to have a romance with you or something like that. And you know that I do not think that way," she said and he nodded "I just wonder why I am not even allowed to speak about this silly topic."

"Because it's forbidden." he told her. Alexia's eyes widened "I am not allowed to have compassion for anyone. I am only to focus on my aim and work in order to get what I want. And the same thing goes for you, as well."

"What a shitty life style," she muttered "So you'll just come to me when you want me; you'll kiss me and touch me, then leave and go on with your life inside that mask?"

"That's pretty much the deal."

"It's no different from Darkknell then." Alexia said as she let the water turn around her body and pour back into the bottle. She took it and then started to walk towards the door "The only difference is I only work for one specific man."

"It's not called prostitution when you're also willing for it and do not get paid," Kylo said as he walked behind her.

Alexia stopped and turned back upon hearing him "Who said I was willing?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You did." he said as he closed the distance between them "Your thoughts did."

She swore as she stepped back "Fuck! Will you please stop reading my mind?"

He took two big steps towards her, she tried to step back but her back ended up against the wall. Kylo placed his left hand on the wall, near her head as he leaned into her. She was feeling his hot breath against her skin and it was turning her on. She gulped and slowly tilted her head to look into his eyes.

He was all in black, as always but not in his usual armour. He was wearing a loose sweater with dark pants and boots. He looked even more handsome in those casual clothes. His black locks brushed against her cheek as he leaned to her right ear.

The water bottle she was holding fell down with a loud thud but none of them gave a damn.

"You want me." he whispered. His breath licked her neck as he spoke, causing her to shiver. Her breathing speed had increased in a noticeable amount and her breasts were brushing against his muscled chest with each breath she took.

Slowly, he took off her zip-sweater and let it fall down to the floor. She was left with her black tunic. He whispered again before pulling his head a little back, just to see her face "You want me to touch you."

The fingers of his right hand started to climb up from the inner side of her left arm. Slowly, his fingers reached her shoulder and continued to move. They went on with her collarbone, then to the exposed part of her chest, then to her other shoulder and finally they went all the way back.

Feeling his fingers on the exposed sides of her breasts made her gasp. She could see the hints of a smirk on his lips. Then, he whispered again "You want me to kiss you."

 _Hell yes, I do._

First his lips moved to her earlobe, causing her to whimper. Then, he moved to her neck and slowly, his lips moved down to her collarbone with each kiss. His right hand was now on her hip. She placed her hands on his chest "Kylo, please." she whispered "Don't."

As a response, his lips on her collarbone moved down once more, this time to the exposed sides of her breasts. As he left little kisses there, she could do nothing but whimper. The throbbing between her legs was growing each time she felt his lips on her skin.

Slowly, he pulled his lips away from her skin and raised his head, looking inside her sapphire eyes. His right hand, which was on her hip, travelled on her womanly curves and ended up on her cheek. He began to caress her cheek with the side of his index finger.

"You want me to make you scream my name."

She raised her hand to touch his face. _Yes, yes, please! Please, just fu..._

But before she could touch him, he stepped back from her "But you do not want me at all."

And with that, Kylo Ren turned back and exited the Panorama Room; once more leaving Alexia in the very same place with a hell of question and the yearning for his touch, his kiss, his voice... With the yearning for him.

 **(Time skip)**

"What are you doing here?"

The man, who was standing in front of the window, turned back to face Kylo. He was not expecting to see _this_ when he reached his chambers. _Like I do not have enough problems right now, he just invades my personal place!_

His light brown, wavy hair was reaching his shoulders and his blue eyes were wandering on Kylo. With the scar on the right side of his right eyebrow and the Jedi robes he was wearing; he looked like as if he had suddenly travelled in time to the future, while he was in the middle of a fight with the droids. But the only thing to break that spell was the blue glowing.

"Paying a visit to my grandson, that's what."

The very last person Kylo wanted to see right now was him, Anakin Skywalker in his Force ghost form. He had been haunting Kylo since the murder of Han Solo. The last time he visited, it was three weeks ago, Kylo had _clearly_ explained that he did not want to see him.

 _But he doesn't listen to me._

"Leave me alone." Kylo said angrily and he walked past him.

"You cannot run away from your family, Ben." Anakin said as he followed Kylo.

"Which part of my words were incomprehensible? Leave. Me. Alone!"

"How's the training of your apprentice going?" he asked.

Kylo stopped and turned to face him "Of course, I should have known. You came here to talk about her, didn't you?"

"She's indeed strong, but a little bit of a pain in the ass, huh?" he said "She has always been wayward, since she was a little girl."

Kylo's eyes widened "Wait... You know her?" he asked, not even bothering to hide the shocked tone in his voice.

Anakin nodded "I've been watching over her since she was a baby."

"So it was you," he said "You were the one hiding from our reach."

A faint smirk appeared on the Force ghost's lips "I was not the only one."

Kylo was feeling the rage rise within him "Tell me, _grandfather_ , how many things there are that you, Leia, Han and Luke are still hiding from me?" he said "Oh wait, Han Solo can't hide anything from me anymore because he is _dead_!"

"You don't have to go this way, it's not too late for you, Ben." Anakin said, the sadness could be easily read from his face.

"It's you, my so-called _family_ , who pushed me through the path to the Dark Side by treating me like a _stranger_ all along; and yet you dare to tell me that I can be _saved_?" Kylo said, his voice getting louder.

"You were broken, Ben. Disappointed. Failed by both his parents and his master."

"Shut up!" he roared as he made one of the chairs fly through the wall with a brutal speed that caused the chair to break to pieces the moment it hit the wall "There's no Ben Solo! He was weak and foolish, so I _killed_ him!"

Anakin waited for a while before he spoke, giving Kylo the time he needed to calm down "An old friend of mine used to say that if you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. And when I look at you I just see myself, young and naïve."

Kylo raised an eyebrow "And you see Padmé in her, huh? They are not even alike."

"No, no I do not see Padmé in her, it is someone else but that's not the point. She can be your _salvation_ , Ben."

"Or my _destruction_ , just as Padmé had been _yours_ , Anakin." Kylo replied, then turned his back to him "Now, I will not say it once more. Leave me alone."

Kylo did not need to turn back to see if Anakin had left or not, he had already felt his grandfather's presence vanish.

 **Heyy, my space babies, this time I know you did not miss me much cus two updates at the same weekend, yeey!!!**

 **This had been the best and the most fun chapter to write so far! I reaaally wonder what you think so dont forget to leave reviews!!**

 **And about the Force ghost Ani, it was one hell of a surprise, wasn't it (:**

 **Wookie hugs**


	14. -14-

Later that night, it was around 4 in the morning, Kylo Ren was called on a secret mission only with the best five Stormtroopers and Captain Phasma. He knew that he did not have the responsibility to say goodbye to his apprentice, he could simply leave a note.

So he wrote the note and headed to her cell, took off his right glove when he reached the door and placed his hand on the scanner. The door opened with a faint _vush_ sound and revealed the dark room. He entered with quiet steps as the door closed behind him. He placed the note on her desk near the tablet but before he turned back to leave, his eyes behind the mask found her sleeping figure.

She was lying on her right side, facing Kylo, her right hand was under the pillow and the other one was under her head. She was breathing slowly and her expression was peaceful –she was not having a nightmare.

 _That's something rare._

Suddenly, he found himself taking his helmet off and walking towards the sleeping girl with quiet steps. Holding his helmet with the gloved hand, he slowly kneeled and caressed her cheek with the side of his index finger. Then he leaned and left an innocent kiss on her forehead. He let his lips linger there for a while, then he stood up and put his helmet and glove back on and left the room, and Alexia.

 **(Time skip)**

Alexia fell down from her bed when she heard the sound of the alarm.

"Fuck... Was that necessary?" she muttered to herself as she stood up and walked towards her desk to turn off the alarm. As she reached for the tablet, something caught her eye. She turned off the alarm and took the note, which was left on her desk.

 _I'm called for a secret mission, I don't know how long will it take. In this time period, in which I'm gone, you'll continue your trainings on your own. The time we normally use for mental training will be used for physical training as well but try to strengthen your mind as hard as you can._

 _For the following three days you'll be fighting with the hologram in its final level of difficulty, then you'll begin with the lightsaber trainings on your own. Try to do your best and don't you dare to skive off. Do not disappoint me._

 _-Kylo_

After reading that he was gone, something strange just swept over her. It was not fear, she was feeling kind of upset. She had never thought what she would do if Kylo was away and now she was realising that she was _alone_ when he was not with her.

 _I'm already alone when he's around or not, there's no such thing as 'more alone'._

 _Or is there?_

 _Oh dammit, what the hell am I supposed to do now?_

She put down the note and sat on her bed. She should have been happy, right? She did not have to see Kylo Ren for a while, she had the chance to spend some time away from him and his stupid rules. It was what she had wanted, right?

But she was not happy. Her emotional tantrum had only gotten bigger with that.

 _Can't I just die already?_

 **(Time skip)**

It had been eight days since Alexia found the note from Kylo on her desk. She had begun training with the lightsaber -of course the one she used was not the real one -on the third day and she had already started fighting with the hologram. For three days she studied the moves and trained with the droid, trying to sense the lasers with her eyes closed and deflecting. On the sixth day she moved to the hologram and she had been training with it ever since.

She had been sitting with Lyonsse during meals since the day Kyle left and that morning was no different. She unzipped her sweater and placed her tray next to his "Morning, Lyo."

He yawned as he looked at her and rubbed his blue eyes "Morning, Alex" he muttered "No news from your boyfriend?"

Alexia kicked him hard under the table "Haven't I told you not to say that, moron?! First, it's not true at all! And second, do you want to have me killed?!"

"Geez, calm down. I forgot about that part." he said "Sorry."

"Keep your mouth shut and don't make me regret trusting you." she muttered as she ate the cucumber.

"In these last days you're acting really aggressive when it comes to Kylo Ren." Lyonsse whispered "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she responded "Just... don't bring him up, okay? I do not like it when we talk about uncertainties."

"You are totally not in the mood today." he said "What I don't want you to forget is that I'm always here when you need me."

Alexia smiled softly "Thank you, Lyo."

After finishing her breakfast, she headed to the training area. The first hour passed with the weight lifting, as always. She was getting used to this intense weight lifting session day by day and her endurance was growing.

But after half an hour she was getting bored, therefore she was taking her headphones and music player with her. With the accompany of the songs, time passed quickly. Besides, it was easy to numb the pain while concentrating on the song.

She moved to the hologram with the training saber after she was finished with the weights. Alexia held the saber with both hands as she watched the hologram carefully. She moved left upon feeling the hologram's attack. It stumbled, Alexia took that advantage and attacked. The hologram parried her attack at the minute.

Alexia kicked the hologram from its stomach, making it step backwards. In the twinkling of an eye, she kicked its left hand –which was holding the saber. Before giving it the time to take saber back, her saber ended up against the hologram's throat.

"I win," she said, even though she knew it was not able to understand her. The hologram took its saber back and the second round began.

 **(Time skip)**

It was seven in the afternoon when she was totally finished that day. She took off her sweaty, black tunic and threw it into the laundry-basket. Then she stood before the mirror and looked at her half-naked self. The features of her abs could be seen and her biceps looked stronger. She felt stronger.

Without caring to wear a T-shirt, she only had her bra and shorts, she moved to her desk and took Kylo's note in her hands. Every time she held it and close her eyes, she could see the memory of it, of the paper. She could see Kylo, writing the note and then placing it on her desk. He moved slowly to her sleeping figure and kissed her forehead, then left.

Alexia took a deep breath as she opened her eyes and placed the note back on the desk, then moved to her bed. She lied down on her left side, facing the wall and closed her eyes once again. The first thing she thought about was him, it was always him.

She was missing him. She missed him indeed. She had no idea that she was capable of missing someone other than her parents and Wyne, and this was not helping at all. With that, with the missing, she had come to the realisation that she was enjoying his presence. She liked being with him.

 _But why? Why him out of all people?_

This was one of those question which she could not answer. She did not know it, and did not want to know either. Some things must remain unknown, she had always told herself. She knew that she would be better off without having those answers.

Alexia took a deep breath. Who could imagine that she would be yearning to see his brown eyes again? She even missed his voice. That smooth voice... Seems like I had gotten way too used to his presence. _This isn't good, this is a weakness._

 _This whole 'Kylo Ren thing' came on top of everything..._

While being lost in all those thoughts, she slowly fell asleep. Unlike many other nights she spent on the Finalizer, she dreamt of home. In her dream, it was day time and she was sitting in the kitchen as Wyne came in.

Without thinking twice, Alexia stood up and hugged her tight. Wyne made a sweet sound and hugged her back, the two remained like that for a couple of minutes. Alexia stepped back slowly "Wyne..." she muttered "I... Are you really here?"

"If you can hug me, then sure I'm really here." Wyne responded with a soft chuckle "I have missed you way too much, Alex."

They both sat down "Tell me about it," Alexia muttered "How's it going? You're taking care of yourself, right?"

"Don't worry about me, I'm making it one way or another." Wyne said, then looked away "To be honest, it's not the same here without you. Every day feels the same,"

Alexia bit her lower lip, trying to hold back the tears. At that moment, she felt so, so weak.

Wyne took a deep breath "Anyway, you tell me. Do they treat you well in that ship or whatever it is?"

"Well, the food is okay and they give me all I need but I've not been this lonely before." Alexia said "I'm being trained by Kylo Ren... to become a female Kylo Ren."

Wyne's reaction was pure shock "That's... Oh stars, that's horrible! How could I let them? I should have stopped you that day at all coasts!"

Alexia's lips formed a weak smile as she held her best friend's hand "There was nothing you could do to change my mind, Wyne, you know how stubborn I am... Do not blame yourself, please."

Wyne slowly nodded.

"I'm becoming pretty stronger day by day, in fact." Alexia continued "The trainings with Kylo are indeed intense, and his unstableness just kills me but I'm getting used to it. At first, we could not have a conversation that did not end up me being choked by him but as time passed, we've started to get on better."

"He was choking you?" Wyne asked, her eyes widening.

"Umm... He has that temper problem. And I have that rebel within me, so..."

Wyne rolled her eyes "And you just don't hold your tongue."

Alexia smirked "Exactly."

"Then how come you two started to get on better?"

Alexia felt her cheeks become red "That's a... good question. I don't know how to answer. He realised that he would not be able to kill that rebel unless he killed me, which he is not allowed to, so there were barely no options left." she said but then she realised that Wyne was not listening. Alexia frowned "What are you doing?"

"You're blushing." Wyne said. Alexia's eyes widened "Oh, Alexia for fuck's sake don't you dare tell me that you..."

"Wait," Alexia interrupted her "Did you just swear?"

"Do not change the subject." Wyne said "And answer my question."

"You did not finish your question, blondie." Alexia said, rolling her eyes.

"Do you really feel something for him?"

Alexia's eyes widened again "No, hell no. Wyne, what the fuck?" she said, covering her face with her hands. She took a deep breath before lowering her hands and talking "First of all, I couldn't feel something for him even if I wanted, 'cus it's forbidden for us to feel compassion. And secondly, do you really think that I can grow attached to someone after everything I've lived through?"

Wyne shrugged "Well, you did grow attached to me."

Alexia looked away, not saying anything.

This time, Wyne held her best friend's hand "Alexia, all those years I've tried to tell you that loving someone, caring about someone, having someone in your life doesn't make you weak. It makes you stronger. It gives you a purpose to live, to continue fighting for what you love, what you believe in."

Alexia pulled her hand back slowly as she looked at the blonde haired, young woman "I know, Wyne, but trust me when I say that I do not love him." she said "The thing between Kylo and I is... complicated. I hate him. Oh, I hate him so fucking much. But then, there comes a moment that I cannot help but... enjoy being with him. I've been trying to find a solution to this conflict, I've been trying so hard but I just can't. He's the most unstable person I've ever met! He makes me think that I can finally like him, then the next morning he goes back to being that asshole again!"

"How does he feel about you then?" Wyne asked.

Alexia held her head with her hands "I don't know, Wyne. I have no damn idea. I only want to come back home, that's all."

And as the first tear fell onto the table, Alexia woke up from her dream.

 **I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! But it was not that i didnt wanted to, it's because of the school -.- it's just the third fucking week and i have already had THREE exams in this week wtf people**

 **Talking about school and stuff, let me give you some fun facts about me.**

 **You know that I'm Turkish, yeah but I go to a German gymnasium so this means in a regular school day I hear more German than Turkish lol and this also means that the exams and classes are extra harder -.-**

 **I know this chapter was not good enough for you, my space babies, but dont worry the next one will be DELICIOUS!!**

 **Don't forget to review (:**

 **Wookie hugs**


	15. -15-

Alexia woke up with a start. The first thing she felt was disappointment –Wyne was gone and she was back in her lonely cell. That caused her to stand up furiously, she walked in front of the mirror. Her reflection was the same as before, only her hair had gotten messier.

She took a deep breath "This is the reality. She's not here, I'm not with her. Get over it!" she yelled at herself. This was the only way she could come back to her senses. But... that didn't last long.

 _Stop lying to yourself._

Alexia quickly turned back upon hearing her voice but soon she noticed that the voice was inside her head. She turned back to the mirror and frowned "Stop messing with me, you're not even here. You're just a trick that my subconscious is playing on me."

Then, for a brief moment, she saw Wyne's reflection, standing behind her. Alexia's eyes widened in shock but with a blink of her eye, the reflection was gone. Even though it was ephemeral, she could remember every detail of the reflection.

"No, no, no, no! I must not think about it!" she screamed, again "I have to distract myself."

Her eyes wandered to the clock. _11.30 pm,_ she thought, _The perfect time to punch a dummy._

Within minutes, she had worn her usual black tights and tunic. She quickly left her cell and headed to the training area with her headphone and music player in her hands. As she entered the area, she cracked her knuckles and hung the music player on the collar of her top. After putting on the headphone, she started punching the dummy rhythmically.

 _Hail to the King?_ she thought as the song played, _a good one to start with._

The songs changed, time passed, her fists began to hurt but Alexia was not aware of any of these. In fact, she had lost the track of time. She was so damn lost in that mind of hers, but a sudden change of the music genre brought her back to reality.

 _Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity_

 _To seize everything you ever wanted_

 _One moment_

 _Would you capture it or just let it slip?_

 _Hell yeah, I'd capture it_ , she thought as she punched the dummy harder, _if only I were given that one chance..._

As her fist met with the soft fabric once more, she felt something different in the training area. The song continued to play, flowing inside her through the headphone. Then, someone hugged her from behind, their bodies pressed to each other.

After that, everything happened in slow motion.

Alexia's eyes widened and the alarms in her head started to ring, telling her that there was a surprise attack. Pulling her arm backwards as if she were to punch the dummy again, she swiftly turned inside that person's arms and threw a punch at his/her face. The moment her fist met the person's left cheekbone, she realised that she had punched Kylo Ren in the face.

Kylo held his face and stepped back with a painful groan, meanwhile Alexia took off her headphone and gasped with the realisation of what she had done. She covered her already open mouth with her right hand and stepped back as well.

Then, everything returned to its normal speed.

She quickly reached for Kylo "Oh, holy shit," she muttered as she touched his cheekbone. It was already red "Kylo, I'm so sorry! Fuck, are you alright?"

She pulled her hand back as he placed his hand on the bone "I shouldn't have taught you how to punch."

Alexia turned her back to him, ran her hand through her hair, then turned back to face him "Why on earth would you sneak up on me?" she asked and took a deep breath.

"You owe me a hug," Kylo said as the edge of his lip curled.

She smirked at first, but then it disappeared as her expression changed into something more serious "Not here." she said, continued upon seeing the confused expression on Kylo's face "I feel disturbed, some eyes and ears –which are not supposed to see or hear us –are in close. And you need medication."

She held him from his arm as she dragged him behind her to her cell "The mask's off," Alexia said while they walked.

"You want me to put in back on?" Kylo asked her, somewhat teasingly.

She chuckled "You have two different personalities, y'know? A daily and a nightly one."

She placed her hand on the scanner as they reached the door, and quickly got inside. Once they were completely alone, Alexia wrapped her arms around his neck. Slowly, Kylo hugged her back.

"I'm glad that you're alright, unharmed."

"Actually, it was not a dangerous mission."

Alexia stepped back "Well, I had no idea what you were up to," she said as she pointed her chair with her head "Sit," she said, then continued talking "I prepared myself for the worse. I always prepare myself for the worse."

"Why would you prepare yourself for the worse?" Kylo asked, he was watching her while she looked for an ointment in her drawers. In a few minutes she found it.

"When you do that, you minimise the pain you're going to feel afterwards. If you expect the good, then it hurts you so much more." Alexia said as she stood in front of Kylo and applied the ointment to the hurting bone "So, tell me, what was that secret mission of yours?"

She placed the ointment on the desk when she was finished but before she could step back, Kylo Ren pulled Alexia on his lap "The mission can wait," he whispered. She was sitting on his right leg, her back was pressed against him. He wrapped his arms around her waist.

Alexia inhaled deeply upon feeling Kylo's plump lips on her neck. His lips moved down very slowly and his hands were also moving after each kiss. By the time his lips reached her shoulder, one of his hands was on her thigh and the other one was on the side of her breast. Alexia opened out her legs more. Kylo slowly squeezed her breast and then pressed his leg to her lower parts. She let out a quiet moan.

"You did miss me, didn't you?" Alexia purred. Kylo placed one last kiss on her neck and then made her stand up, he stood up as well. Alexia frowned "I thought we were finished with this ignoring."

Kylo took a deep breath "You know what missing means, Alexia. You know that you need to feel _compassion_ for that person if you are to miss him or her, which we are not allowed to feel." she kept silent, showing that she knew all these "Then why are you waiting for an answer if you already know it?" he asked, then tilted his head "You look _disappointed_."

Alexia frowned "No, not at all. Why would I look disappointed? Besides you haven't seen me looking disappointed before." she said "Anyway, you were to tell me about your mission?"

He scratched his head "Yes. After finding you, a strong force sensitive, on Darkknell, Supreme Leader started his search for more force sensitives on different planets. And on ... and ... he had felt two really strong beings. My mission was to find them and convincing them into joining the first order."

She put her hands on her hips "Finding and then kidnapping them, you wanted to say?"

"It changes from your perspective." Kylo responded "They chose to come here, maybe not with an exact free will but they are more eager than you were, that's for sure."

Alexia rolled her eyes "How funny. Anyway, I have to take a shower –I don't care if it's 12.30 or not."

"Your tongue has sharpened in my absence, hasn't it?" Kylo Ren asked, annoyed.

Alexia shot him a fake smile "I knew you'd love it."

He muttered something under his breath and without saying anything, he left her cell.

 **(Time skip)**

She tuck all her clothes in a random locker and wrapped the towel around her body. After taking her shampoo, conditioner and comb; she got in a cabinet. Closing the curtain, she placed the towel on the left wall and turned on the hot water.

She didn't want to get lost in the traffic jam of her thoughts, so she washed herself fast. After combing her hair, she took the towel and dried her hair for a while, then wrapped it around her body once more. She took her stuff and stepped out of the cabin.

Everything she held fell on to the floor with a loud _thud_.

Alexia shook herself and quickly took them, then looked back at him "You sure that you _didn't_ miss me?" she asked sarcastically as she walked past Kylo Ren and headed to her locker. She opened it, placed the things she held next to her clothes. Then she just stood like that, holding the lockers door with one hand and the other one holding her towel tight.

She was just not able to put the image of a _half-naked_ Kylo Ren out of her mind.

He only had a white towel wrapped around his hips, which was reaching his knees. Other than that, he was _completely_ naked. He had a _big_ chest and his abs, oh those abs! Even just taking a short look at them had made Alexia want to touch them. His arms were muscly, as she had imagined and moreover, he had that adonis muscle.

She knew that he was watching her, she could feel his eyes on herself so she took her black panties and wore them without taking the towel off, nor flashing her butt to him. But she knew she had no such chance with her bra, so she took a deep breath and turned to face him "What?" she asked "What do you want?"

"You've managed to close your mind to me." Kylo said slowly.

Alexia raised an eyebrow "You look disappointed," she quoted him but she was easily distracted by his body. She gulped and forced herself to look at his face but it was too late.

A playful smirk appeared on Kylo's lips "You always give me what I want, Alexia. Either with your thoughts or with your eyes." he said as he took a step towards her "You still have a lot to learn before you can hide something from me."

This time Alexia was the one so smirk "How can you be sure?" she asked. Kylo Ren stood in front of her, making her lean the lockers. She tilted her head to look into his brown eyes "If I were hiding something from you, then you wouldn't know that. It's just like the paradox of the liar."

Kylo placed his hands on the lockers, trapping her "I'm not the only one with two different personalities." he muttered, looking down at her "You also act in a different way at night."

"I'm just conforming to you. It's called 'rubbing something up the right way'."

"Adaptation to different situations." he said, their voices were becoming lower and lower. Slowly, his right hand went down to her knee and started climbing upwards, under the towel "Something you've learned by living on your own."

"Of course it is. How else do you think I could have survived, especially with you always around me?" Alexia said in a teasing way, then she shivered upon feeling his fingers on her inner thigh. He had felt her shivering, as well. His hand stopped there and he began to caress her skin slowly with his thumb "Why are you doing this? Playing this game?" Alexia asked, her voice was barely a whisper.

Kylo Ren smirked "Because I want to. Because you're fun to play with."

"What a nice hobby to have," Alexia muttered but she was mostly focused on his lips. Then, without thinking twice, she asked "Why can't I kiss your lips?"

"It involves emotions." Kylo responded "You feel them the most intense when you kiss."

"Someone's really experienced, huh?" Alexia said "Tell me, who broke your heart?"

"I don't get attached to people, if that's what you meant." he said as his hand started to move again "I _just_ know."

"Cut the shit there," Alexia snapped "You're just as broken as I am but I've not found out the reason, _yet_."

Kylo smirked once more "Bring it on," he muttered. Alexia gasped as his fingers reached her underwear. She placed her hands on his chest, trying to stop him but her will was betraying her.

"Kylo, please," she whispered.

"Please what?" Kylo asked teasingly "I can fill that blank in _creative_ ways."

Alexia had opened her mouth to talk but the sound of the door opening was shut her up. Eyes filled with terror, she looked at Kylo, whose hand was still under her towel. She gulped.

 _We're screwed._

 **Hello my space babies!! How is everyone? I hope you're all fine (: and enjoyed this chapter as much as I did!!**

 **So, what do you think about the story so far?? Leave some reviews!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	16. -16-

Before Kylo could start talking, Alexia put her hand on his mouth, then she spoke loudly "Who's there?"

"Who's asking?" replied the person back with a question "Wait... Alex, is that you?"

Alexia rolled her eyes. Of course it was Lyonsse "Lyo, it's not the best time to have a shower, you know? So just get out."

She could hear the irritating tone in his voice "Why is it?" he asked.

Alexia spoke as she pulled her hand from Kylo's mouth "'Cus I'm not in an appropriate state right now."

"It's not like I haven't seen you naked before," Lyonsse responded her recklessly.

She could feel the rage building up inside her "Lyonsse, I swear I'm going to kick your ass so fucking badly that you won't be able to forget the rest of your life." she nearly roared "Now get the fuck out!"

"Geez, calm down, I'll take the shower in the morning then." he said in an annoyed tone "Since Ren left you've been acting like a widow in her early menopause."

Before she could yell at him more, she heard the door close with a loud noise. Alexia looked at Kylo Ren, who had an annoying smirk on his face "Shut up." Alexia said and pushed him away from her harshly. Quickly, she took all her belongings and nearly ran to the other edge of the locker room. While she was getting dressed, she heard the sound of the shower –which meant Kylo was minding his own business. For now.

When she got under the covers once more, it was two in the morning. As a side effect of the shower, she was feeling sleepy. She slowly closed her eyes and let the sleep wrap its arms around her body.

 _"SOMEBODY HELP!" shouted the black haired girl, nearly tearing her lungs. She was shaking violently and fell down into the pond of blood "SOMEBODY HELP US!"_

 _The boy was lying on his back in the middle of that blood pond, his body was a lifeless shell. His emerald green eyes had lost all the life they used to hold. Whenever she looked into those eyes, she could feel the ease surrounding her but not anymore._

 _The body was ripped open and his viscera were missing. She could see the signs of struggle on the floor –he had been scratching it. But in the end, his struggle was no use._

 _"Please!" she shouted once more "Please..."_

 _Her tears started to roll down her cheeks and they all fell into the blood pond. Soon she began to sob just like a little girl. She had not felt this lonely, this helpless before; all she wanted was to follow him on whatever path he was now._

 _"You promised me," she whispered between the sobs "You were gonna stand by me,"_

"NO!"

Alexia woke up as she shouted. After realising that it was just a dream, she sat under the covers and tried to steady her breathing. Her chest was raising up and down fast as if she had just gone out from a combat training. She waited a few moments to recover, then she stood up with her shaky legs.

 _It's already 9am?_

Without giving herself time to think about the dream, or the nightmare, she quickly got dressed and left her cell at a trot. She tried her best to think about other subjects while she ate her breakfast –Kylo Ren, for example – and she was finished with eating just in five minutes. _I just want to go to that training area as fast as I can!_

When she was about to stand up, someone put his tray right next to hers. Alexia frowned and looked up only to see Lyonsse. He sat and raised an eyebrow "Were you leaving?" he asked.

Alexia nodded "Yeah, gonna start early today." she responded.

"Something strange is up with you lately." Lyonsse said "Are you feeling alright?"

"Feel like shit, look like shit." Alexia responded and stood up "Anyway, see you around."

On her way to the training area, she came across her _favourite_ person on board. Good thing that she was looking for him this time "Master Ren!" she called for him. _Of course I'm not gonna call him with his first name in front of everyone!_

His masked face turned to look at her "Yes, Gradval, what is it?" he asked.

"Is it acceptable if I start my training early on my own?" Alexia asked "In your absence I've pretty much learned how to train on my own and since you have two new apprentices as well, it'll give you more time to focus on them."

"I was thinking about that too, actually. You may do as you say but never do forget that I'll still be watching you with your sabre trainings. In fact, today I have to pay a little more attention to you in order to see if you had been training well or not."

Alexia nodded "You'll not be disappointed."

"We shall see," Kylo Ren muttered and turned away from her, started walking to the cafeteria. Alexia took a deep breath and nearly ran to the training area. Throwing her sweater on a random mattress, she put on her headphone and took the weights. She was playing the rap songs on purpose –she was singing them out loud and that was keeping her mind from drifting to anything else.

An hour long she was alone, on her own and in that time being she had totally forgotten that she was alive. It felt like as if she were a ghost –she had thought that she could neither be seen nor be heard. That was the reason why she nearly jumped out of her place and dropped the weights when she felt the other presences in the area.

She swiftly turned back and took off her headphone. A young man and a young woman was looking at her. Alexia frowned at them "Don't you dare sneak up on me. Ever. Again." she hissed.

The girl nearly ignored Alexia "Were you rapping?"

Alexia's frown got deeper "Who the hell are you two anyway?"

"I'm Nyrathen Dawn and he's Jai Ducasse." the girl, Nyrathen, said "And you must be Alexia Gradval, right?"

"Oh, you're the new ones then." Alexia said, understanding the situation "Kylo Ren told you about me?"

"Not much," Jai Ducasse said "We just know that your name is Alexia and you're really strong with the Force."

"And she's going to help you if you have any problems with anything," said a metallic voice. The three looked at Kylo Ren as he entered the area.

Alexia rolled her eyes "Yeah, sure. 'Cus I'm a goddamn nanny." she muttered.

Jai smirked "I liked her."

Nyrathen crossed her arms "I didn't. Not even a bit."

Alexia looked at her and spoke with a sarcastic tone "Thanks, red-head."

"I can feel your ego from here." Nyrathen muttered.

Alexia raised an eyebrow "What about I give you something better to feel?" she asked as she raised her arm to Force-choke her but Kylo held her arm.

"Alexia, enough." he said, looking at her behind his mask. _Ugh, the mask had to be on again, hadn't it?_

"I just pattern myself after my master," Alexia said as she freed her arm from Kylo's hold, harshly.

"How does she get to speak with you like that?" Nyrathen asked to Kylo.

Alexia chuckled "Can't you tell already? I'm the rebel of this goddamn Finalizer!" she said and without listening to them anymore, she moved to the hologram and took her training sabre.

After half an hour or so –Alexia was having a little rest –Kylo Ren came towards her with Nyrathen and Jai following him. Alexia raised an eyebrow to him, clearly showing him that she was wondering the cause.

"I want to see how far you've come with your sabre trainings," he spoke.

Alexia took one more sip from her water, then put down the bottle and stood up "I suppose you didn't pay attention to me in the last half an hour?" she asked "I know, you need to focus on your new apprentices, I was just asking."

"Then get going," Kylo said as he crossed his arms. Alexia stretched and took the sabre once more. The hologram was waiting for her. She licked her lips. _Let's show this newbies some fighting._

Alexia twirled the sabre as she waited for the hologram to make the first move. It took big steps towards her and attacked with its sabre. Alexia countered its attack and started to push it back with her sabre but the hologram was giving its all, too. Out of nowhere, a kick was thrown to the hologram's stomach. It fell down and crawled away from Alexia.

Alexia smirked as she attacked the hologram while it was on the ground. It rolled to its left and jumped to its feet, then began to run at Alexia with full speed. Alexia did a backflip and jumped on an equipment nearby. As the hologram stood under her, Alexia's smirk grew "I have the _high ground_ , come and try me." she said. The hologram jumped to attack her but of course, her sabre ended up on its body. Alexia jumped and fell on the floor on two feet.

"Don't get so flattered, even a kid can tell that having the high ground is a golden ticket for winning." Kylo Ren's metallic voice said.

Alexia pursed her lips and spoke with a child's tone "You're hurting my feelings, Master Ren." she said, clearly mocking him. She could imagine Kylo rolling his eyes at her under the mask. She chuckled and turned back to hologram.

Again, it was the first one to attack. Alexia parried the attack and slid between its open legs, then swiftly jumping to her feet. But before she had the time to turn back, she felt the upcoming attack and leaned backwards as down as she could. The sabre missed her by inches, the whistling sound it made echoing inside Alexia's ear.

Alexia turned back quickly and met the holograms attack once more. She stepped back to attack it more powerfully but the hologram kicked her hand which was holding the sabre. Alexia screamed painfully as the sabre flew to the other corner of the area. She could feel the satisfaction of Nyrathen –she wanted Alexia to lose.

Alexia clenched her fists but in that moment of distraction, the hologram attacked her. She threw herself back and fell down on her back. Her eyes were flying around the area as the hologram approached her lying form. Just as it was about to strike the final attack, Alexia's eyes found the basket of the training weapons.

She extended her left arm as another sabre came flying to her hand. She ignited it just in time and met the attack only inches away from her face. But the hologram still had the advantage. _I have to do something right now or I'll be defeated with my own sabre on my face!_

And in that desperate moment, Alexia saw Nyrathen picking something up from the floor –Alexia's training sabre. Alexia shouted as she took her left hand off from the sabre she was holding at that moment "Nyrathen, take your fucking hands off my sabre!"

The sabre flew into Alexia's hand from Nyrathen's and Alexia ignited it the moment she took a hold of it –the hologramic red light of the sabre going through the head of the hologram itself. The hologram straightened and reignited its sabre upon being defeated.

Alexia reignited the sabres as well and threw them on the floor as she stood up. She was still breathing fast. She tidied herself up and looked at the three. Jai's eyes were full of admiration, whereas Nyrathen sent Alexia dead hot glares. Alexia smirked at Nyrathen, then turned to Kylo Ren "And?" she asked.

"Meet me after lunch as always." That was all he said. Alexia frowned.

"Argh, what was I expecting anyway? You wouldn't appreciate it either even if I had built the whole Star Killer Base myself!" Alexia spoke angrily and turned on her heels, leaving the training area with quick steps. Before she reached the door, she stopped and used the Force to throw one of the weights at the wall with such speed that the weight broke to pieces.

 _I'm starting to have anger management problems. Fuck you, Kylo._

 **Heyy my space babies how're you all??? I hope everyone's fine!**

 **What do you think about the new characters we have?? Do you think they'll end up _good?_ Let me know what you think!!**

 **As always, don't forget the reviews (: and thanks so much to the ones who review!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	17. -17-

When Kylo Ren came in, Alexia was already there, waiting for him. He locked the door and then took off his mask and sat in front of her "Finally," Alexia muttered "I still don't understand why you wear that thing in the first place."

"I don't expect you to understand." Kylo responded. Alexia rolled her eyes at him "Let's see what's new in your mind."

"What have I done to deserve this?" Alexia muttered to herself as Kylo Ren reached out to her mind. At first, he was not able to go through her barrier. He raised an eyebrow to her. She just smirked and shrugged.

Then, he tried to go through the barrier more powerfully. Alexia closed her eyes and focused on keeping him out but it was getting harder after each second. At last, she let out a high pitched scream and her barrier broke to pieces. Kylo's invisible fingers entered her mind.

"You've lasted longer than I thought," he said as he wandered between her memories and thoughts from the days he was gone. Alexia threw her head backwards, giving it all she had to kick him out but still, she was not that powerful. She clenched her fists, she was sweating.

Kylo Ren slowly left her mind as Alexia's head fell to her knees. She was breathing heavily and was already too tired to sit straight. She waited a few seconds for her breathing to become normal, then she straightened and looked at Kylo.

"You _did_ miss me," he said, he was somewhat puzzled.

"Do you think I have a choice?" Alexia asked him "I had to find a way to enjoy being around you somehow, or I would have already gone crazy. This was the only way I could survive here and you have made it as hard as you could."

"I still find it enchanting," Kylo said "You hate me indeed but at the same time you like being around me."

"Nah," she said "They don't happen at the same time. Once I hate you, then I like being around you. It depends on your actions."

"These survival instincts..." he muttered "But I see why you own them."

Alexia smirked "You think so?"

Kylo raised an eyebrow "Is that a challenge?"

Alexia shrugged "Try me."

Kylo rolled his eyes and focused again. Alexia gritted her teeth as she strengthened her mental barrier. This time, she was able to hold him longer but after sometime he ran out of patience and forced into her mind with all his strength.

Alexia moaned in pain as Kylo wandered between her memories. The first one he laid his hands on was her nightmare from last night. She sent him a warning look "Don't," she said.

"You challenged me, Alexia." Kylo said and chose that memory. Alexia threw her head back, she was giving it her all to kick him out. As she let out a high pitched scream, Kylo Ren was thrown out in the middle of the memory he was watching. The impact of the Force Alexia had used threw them both off the chairs they were sitting.

Alexia was the first to stand up. She clenched her fist and shouted as she watched Kylo standing up "When will you learn to listen to me?! I've warned you, I always warn you, always! But no, you really have to put your damn nose into every fucking memory I possess, don't you?! These damn lessons are supposed to make me stronger but how can you expect me to get stronger while you keep doing this to me?! Throwing everything I was running from into my face?!"

"You cannot run away from them forever, you have to face your fears!" Kylo said, his voice was loud as well.

"Look at the one who's talking!" Alexia said "You deal with yourself first, before counselling me! You still haven't gotten over killing your own father and..."

Before she could finish, Kylo Ren chocked her with the Force, and then threw her to the wall "Don't you dare!" he thundered "You will not speak of that, ever again!"

"Or what you'll do? You'll kill me?" Alexia asked while she stood up "Go ahead then, you'll be doing me a great favour!" she shouted, then took a deep breath "You underestimate me, you think you can read me like an open book but you're so damn blind that you cannot see right under your nose! And when you see what you've been missing all the time, it will be too late."

She walked to the door with quick steps and without looking back at him, she left the room.

 **(Time skip)**

"What are you doing here at this time?"

Alexia stopped punching the dummy and turned back to see the owner of the voice. It was Jai Ducasse. She took the towel from the ground and wiped the sweat on her forehead as she spoke "What time is it anyway?"

"9.30 pm."

The towel fell from Alexia's hands "Nine fucking thirty?! Oh shit, I came here at seven!" she said and quickly looked down to her fists. They were bleeding. She rolled her eyes "When I came here this wasn't what I was planning," she said as she walked to the changing rooms "But after punching the dummy nonstop for two and a half hours, I guess this was the only result I could get. Wait here, I'll be back in a sec."

Alexia got inside and quickly walked to the sinks. First, she washed her hands with cold water, then took some papers and wiped them. When she was sure there was no blood left, she went back to the training area and sat on a mattress. Jai walked towards her and he sat as well.

"So why were you here?" he asked.

"I was angry and when I am angry, I always come here to punch something because I know I'll end up hurting a Stormtrooper if I don't come here." Alexia responded.

Jai frowned "Who were you angry at? Did some of the troopers piss you off?"

Alexia rolled her eyes "Who do you think it was?"

"Master Ren?"

"Stop calling him that, it makes me wanna laugh." she said "And yes, it was him. He drives me crazy!"

"I won't ask you what he did 'cus I know you'll not tell me anyway, but I wonder something else," Jai said "Have you seen him with the mask off?"

Alexia nodded "Yeah, of course. Normally he doesn't wear that during the trainings but I guess he has decided to be more formal with you two. He rarely has that thing on when it's only the two of us."

"You two seem pretty close."

She laughed "Oh, no, not at all." she said, then eyed him for a while. His wavy hair was a light shade of brown –almost blonde, perhaps –and his eyes were green. He had five o'clock shadow but it actually suited him "Anyway, tell me about yourself. Why did you come here for example?"

"Well, my parents know about my ability since I was a kid." Jai began to tell "They knew I could achieve great things if I got the right training but we were a poor family. Only thing I could do was to help my father with his job, we all knew that my fate was sealed on that planet called Abhean.

"Then Kylo Ren came and told my parents that I was stronger than they thought. He said that he wanted to train me and one day I could become a high position in the First Order. My parents knew that this was my only chance to escape from the poverty, so they agreed. And I'll be seeing them once a month so it was a good opportunity for me."

"You get to see your parents? That's not fair." Alexia said in a stubborn way "I want to go to my homeplanet as well but the difference between you and I is that I was taken as a captive, not as an apprentice."

"A captive?" Jai asked, his eyes widening.

Alexia nodded "They came to Darkknell a couple of times in order to take children for their army, you know for Stormtrooper training but we always resisted them and never gave any of our children. Then, one day they decided to take the fighters of Darkknell –in other words the rebels –as captive. I was one of them, then Kylo Ren felt how powerful I was and took me straight to the Supreme Leader."

"I'm sorry," he said, looking away from Alexia as he played with his fingers "Was there anyone that you left behind?"

"Yeah, my best friend."

Slowly, Jai looked into her eyes "What about your family?"

This time Alexia was the one to look away "I've lost them four years ago." she muttered.

Jai's eyes widened once more "I... I shouldn't have asked that... I'm so... so sorry..."

She waved her hand in a way that meant no problem "You couldn't have known what you would get as an answer so it's not your fault. No one has died because of curiosity." she said, then raised an eyebrow "Now, back to you, was there a special someone you left behind, Jai?"

He blushed a little "Well, actually yeah, there was." he said and took a deep breath "Her name was Rosalina and she cried more than my mom did when I was leaving. It was heart-breaking."

"I can only imagine," Alexia muttered "How long you two have been together?"

"Two years," he responded "I know, it's quite a long time. We were talking about marriage and stuff when all this happened but I guess it has to wait for a few years. Anyway, what about you, Alexia?"

Alexia shook her head "Nope, I don't like being in a relationship."

"So you're more like a one-night-stand type?" Jai asked.

"Yeah, you can say that," Alexia replied, then she stood up "Want me to show you something interesting?"

"Yeah, sure." Jai said as he stood up and followed her. Alexia led him to her cell but he stopped before entering "Is it okay for me to go in there?"

Alexia rolled her eyes at him "Don't be such a provincial ass." she said as he stepped inside. The door closed after him. Alexia took out her guitar and portable amp "What do you think?"

"Do they really have an electric guitar on board?" Jai asked, he was shocked "That's so cool!"

Alexia smiled "I know, right! Now any encores?" she asked as she set the amp.

"Well, do you know _The Unforgiven_?" he asked.

Alexia nodded as she sat on her bed "Of course I do. Take a seat," she said as she pointed the chair. When he took his seat as well, she started playing the intro. It was a long song but it was a very deep one as well.

 _What I've felt, what I've known_

 _Never shined through in what I've shown_

 _Never be, never see_

 _Won't see what might have been_

 _What I've felt, what I've known_

 _Never shined through in what I've shown_

 _Never free, never me_

 _So I dub thee unforgiven_

 **(Time skip)**

"It's getting late, I think I should go." Jai said as he yawned "I don't think it would be nice if someone saw me in your cell at 12am."

"Well, I don't give a fuck about that but it's up to you." Alexia said as she lied on the bed, then looked at Jai, who was heading to the door "Night, then."

He looked at her and smiled "Good night," he muttered and left Alexia alone with her thoughts. Soon, she fell asleep on the covers. But it was not a pleasant night, as always.

Half an hour later, Alexia woke up, she was screaming. As soon as she realised that it was all a dream, she took a deep breath and sat on the bed, trying to steady her breathing. She wiped the sweat from her forehead.

 _It felt so real. As if I were living everything all over again._

With shaky legs, she stood up and walked to the pier glass. _I look awful_ , was the first thing she thought. She looked like a ghost. Her eyes were dull and her skin was paler than normal. She shook herself and opened the wardrobe's door to take out her pyjama pants and a clean tunic.

Quickly, she took off her clothes and wore the ones she had just taken, then threw the dirty ones into the laundry basket. Once more, she turned to the mirror to look at herself but her eyes widened upon seeing the person who was standing right behind her.

Alexia gulped, she was too scared to look behind herself so instead of doing that she kept looking to his reflection. He looked the same, just as the last time Alexia saw him three years ago. His curly, brown hair was messy, as always, and his brown eyes had that naughty spark, which Alexia was able to see even from their reflection.

"R... Rosh," Alexia stuttered "You... you can't be here."

He tilted his head "You don't look happy, Alexia, didn't you miss me?" he asked, then placed his hand on her hips. Upon feeling his touch, Alexia lost the ability to breath "But I've missed you so, so much, the Moon of my life." he whispered as he placed a kiss on her neck.

Alexia's shaky legs were no longer able to hold her weight and she fell down. And when she looked behind to see him, he was gone without leaving any trace behind.

 _But he was here! I talked to him, I felt him! No, no please, don't leave me again!_

Alexia stood up and stood in front of the mirror again. She was hoping to see him once more but it was no use. Her breathing speeded and with a loud cry, she punched the mirror.

 **I know it has been ages and I'm so sorry for not updating ): It was just I didn't feel like writing anything but I think the spirit's back so yeeyy!!**

 **What do you think about the chapter, my space babies?? I know it was not the best one but reaaaalllyy nice things are on the way, these are just to warm you up and build the groundwork :3**

 **Give me some reviews!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	18. -18-

Kylo Ren was walking back to his quarters when he heard the screaming and the sound of the breaking of a glass. It was coming from Alexia's cell, he rolled his eyes in annoyance as he headed towards her cell. _She can't stay still for a second, can she?_

"Alexia, what was all that noise?" Kylo asked as he entered the cell but his eyes widened upon seeing the mirror, which was broken to pieces, and Alexia, who was crying bent double. Her sobs were so loud that Kylo was sure she hadn't heard him coming in. And she looked as if she could fall down onto the broken glass pieces any second, her legs were shaking too hard.

As Kylo sensed her fall, he took two big steps towards Alexia and caught her from the waist before she fell down. She looked up at him with puffy eyes, she was still shaking "Alexia, what the hell?" Kylo asked "What's wrong?"

"He's dead... He can't be here..." she muttered "He's dead..."

"Who's dead? Alexia, just calm down for a moment!" he said, somewhat furiously but worry took angers place as soon as he saw her hand. It was bleeding and there were glass pieces, which were stuck in her hand "Did you punch the mirror?" he asked.

She nodded and continued to mutter meaningless things. That was when he realised that Alexia Gradval was in nothing but shock. He was confused and worried –he was worried about her. Trying to forget that fact, he took her to the infirmary.

The way to the infirmary was quiet and they didn't talk either when her wounds were taken care of. Kylo could still hear her muttering to herself –that was why he hadn't insisted on talking. Alexia was still in shock and the doctors claimed that as well.

As they walked back to Alexia's cell, her mutterings were cut but still, she would not talk. She just stared at the floor they walked on. Kylo Ren, on the other hand, was eyeing her every now and then.

There were cuts on her legs as well, he had realised them while he was taking her to the infirmary. The doctors had cleaned them but they still looked bad, considering how beautiful her skin looked in normal situations. She looked paler than ever and something inside her sapphire eyes had faded –when he looked at her eyes, it felt like as if something was missing.

 _I have to learn what happened there. One way or another._

 **(Pov change)**

All she could do was to shut her mouth up and hold back her tears. She had never felt that weak before. Even when she lost her mother. Because back then, she knew that there was someone who'd back her up if needed be.

 _Rosh..._

But now, upon feeling the loneliness deep within herself, she was not able to find the inner strength to go on. To continue fighting. She was exhausted, broken and being torn apart. Every day was taking a part of Alexia from her.

After reaching her cell, she just opened the door and without saying anything to Kylo Ren, she got inside. But before she could close the door, he held Alexia from her wrist. She stopped and slowly turned to face him.

"You owe me an explanations and you cannot run away from this." Kylo said as he stepped inside the cell.

Alexia rolled her eyes "Do I ever have a choice?" she muttered to herself as she closed the door and sat on her bed. Kylo took the chair and laid his questioning eyes on Alexia. She took a deep breath before starting "I... I thought..." she tried to tell him what had happened but it was still too hard to say out loud.

"If it's too hard for you, then you can show me." Kylo said.

Alexia nodded slowly "But just that one, no more memories. You're aware of the fact that I'm not in a condition to shield my mind, I know it."

"You have my word," Kylo said and for once, Alexia felt that she could trust him. She closed her eyes and let Kylo go through the mental barrier she had. After watching the memory, he left her mind and Alexia opened her eyes. For the first time, there was worry in Kylo's eyes.

"So, he was your boyfriend?" Kylo asked "You've never told me about him."

"Because it's a sensitive topic, just like my parents." Alexia responded "I try to forget it –my past with him –and I had succeeded but it popped up, again." she took a deep breath "We've known each other since we were kids but he was older than me so we didn't hang out much back then. As the years passed, we started to grow closer and on my fifteenth birthday we started to date. It was cute, you know, being that young and in love."

Kylo didn't say anything, he just kept listening to her. Alexia needed to pour her heart out and it seemed like Kylo knew that as well.

"He was there for me, both after my dad's and my mom's death. To be honest, I would've killed myself long before if he weren't there to support me. That was why I had gotten so attached to him."

"Did he come to Darkknell with you?" Kylo asked. Alexia nodded and continued to tell.

"I had used most of the money that was left from my parents to get to Darkknell. His parents, they were never like mine, they were supporting the Empire and the First Order but he wasn't like his parents, he was like me." Alexia said "Maybe not too rebellious as me but he always stood up for what he believed in.

"Then he agreed to run away with me, to leave his parents and we came to Darkknell. We bought a house, it only had three rooms –one kitchen, one bathroom and a big room that we used both as a living room and as a bedroom. That was all we had. And we both started to scavenger, it was the only way we could earn money, because he didn't have a profession and I didn't have a profession. There was nothing much we could do."

"So... You weren't working as a prostitute back then?" Kylo asked "I guess it started with his death." Alexia nodded, Kylo's lips formed a faint smile "You were right –you were hiding huge things and I wasn't aware of any of them. You're stronger than you seem in the trainings."

Alexia looked inside his brown eyes "I told you that you were underestimating me, Kylo." she said and took a deep breath "Anyway, we set up a goal –we decided to open a bar."

Kylo raised an eyebrow "Why a bar? Is there a specific reason?"

Alexia shrugged "I don't remember clearly but he liked trying new drinks and I liked playing the guitar and singing, so..." she said "We were just saving money for it and we needed to have some associates because Darkknell is an expensive planet. So we agreed with some people and set up an opening date for the bar but when the day came, we still didn't have enough money. We had borrowed from them, yes but it was not enough. So they gave us one more month and after that they came back with a gang behind them but Rosh and I –mostly I- kicked their asses. It's nice to remember actually."

"I can easily imagine that," Kylo muttered. Alexia rolled her eyes at him. As she continued, she turned her eyes away from Kylo.

"Then a week later I found him dead in the apartment." she said, her voice was low "I... His... I... I still can't forget that image of him. I hadn't felt that vulnerable before." Alexia took a deep breath "His body was ripped, they had taken his viscera. I called the police. They investigated but they couldn't find anything on the gang but I was sure they were the ones behind the murder of Rosh so... I killed them. I just killed them all. In the worst ways you can imagine."

Alexia saw Kylo's eyes shine for a brief moment "And you didn't feel bad or guilty at all?" he asked.

Alexia shook her head "I told you, I'm no Light, Kylo." she said and continued "Then I've found out that they were not responsible for the murder. In that time period I met Wyne, she was working in a shop, from which I did my shopping all the time and they included mostly alcohol. One day, she asked me why I was drinking that much and I had nothing to lose so I told her my story. And that's how we started our friendship and I ended up being her housemate."

For a moment, they both stayed silent till Alexia broke it with a faint whisper "Thank you," she said "For listening to me."

"You needed someone by your side," Kylo responded, then he stood up and walked towards Alexia, who was still sitting on the bed. When he was standing right in front of her, he cupped her face and tilted her chin to meet her eyes "I know you feel lonelier than ever and there's nothing much I can do about it but I want you to know that from now on, you have me."

Alexia's hearth skipped a beat.

"Does this mean that I... can consider you as a _friend_?" she asked "You're on your right mind, aren't you?"

Kylo smiled, it was a small but warm one "You doubt me?" he asked playfully.

"You're a complicated and unstable person Kylo, you cannot blame me." Alexia said softly. She heard a soft chuckle from him, then he slowly leaned forwards and placed a kiss on her forehead. But he didn't pull back immediately this time, he let his lips linger there for a few seconds.

Alexia held his hand when he pulled back. Kylo looked at their hands, then slowly turned his eyes to the black haired woman "Stay," Alexia whispered "Please."

"I can't," Kylo whispered as he pulled his hand away from Alexia's. Without looking back at her twice, he left the cell with quick steps.

 **I know it has been ages and I am so, so sorry. But the good news is -I'm done with the exams and mostly with school so I'll be able to update more frequently yeeyy!!!**

 **How was the chapter?? Tell me in the reviews!!**

 **I love all of you, my space babies and thank you all for being with me so far**

 **Wookie hugs**


	19. -19-

**(The following night)**

As she reached the door, she leaned the parallel wall and closed her eyes. With deep breaths, she tried to calm herself down but it was no use. She was still shaking, violently. Slowly, she walked towards the door and pressed the button, which was on the right side. It had the function of a door bell, more or less.

The door slid open with a _vush_ sound and revealed the confused man. He was black from head to foot, as always but not in robes. He had a black t-shirt and dark pants. His brown curls were literally shining.

Kylo Ren raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here at this time, Alexia? It's almost 1am, you should be sleeping." he said, then frowned. Alexia knew he had realised that her hair was dripping wet. Then, his eyes went down to her hand, which was carrying a towel and a bag. "What's wrong?"

"Can I come in?" Alexia asked with a shaky voice. Kylo Ren nodded, Alexia stepped inside and the door closed behind them. As soon as the door was closed, Kylo crossed his arms; with his looks, he was telling her to explain the situation.

Alexia gulped a couple of times and opened her mouth to speak but the words didn't come out. "I... Oh, dammit." she muttered as she took two steps towards Kylo and placed her index and middle fingers on his temples. They both closed their eyes as Alexia showed him her memories from the incident.

 _Alexia was taking a shower, a piece of glass could be seen on the wall, which separated the two showers. She was so lost in her thoughts that she could sense the upcoming danger only in the last second._

 _A trooper stormed in the shower and pinned Alexia to the wall, her back was facing him. In the twinkling of an eye, Alexia felt the handcuffs on her wrists. She was screaming, kicking and stamping but the area was too narrow for her to fight. The terror within her was raising after each passing second._

I have to focus right now _, she thought as she closed her eyes. She just concentrated herself on the sound of the water and when she was focused enough, she used the Force to stab the trooper with the glass she had seen._

Alexia pulled her hands back as she left Kylo's mind. But before she could step back, Kylo held Alexia from her wrist and pulled her into a warm hug. Alexia wrapped her arms around Kylo's body and closed her eyes as she placed her head on his chest, breathing in his scent. He smelled like leather and ocean –his shower gel was probably ocean scented –and somehow that made Alexia want to cry.

Kylo's arms were wrapped around Alexia's body as well, he didn't seem to care about how wet her hair was while his right hand caressed it slowly. After a while, he stepped back and placed his hand on her shoulders. "From now on, you will _only_ use the shower in _my_ chambers, I do not want you going down there ever again, is that clear, Alexia?" he asked. Alexia looked at him as she nodded slowly. "I'll give you the passcode for the door but use it only for the shower. And about that trooper you've stabbed, I'll take care him."

Alexia could understand that Kylo was trying so hard to hide the caring look in his eyes, but his attempts were useless. She smiled at him. "Thank you, Kylo."

He pulled his hand back as he shrugged and without another word, he left his chambers. For a couple of seconds Alexia stared behind him, then she shook herself and gathered all her belongings. Slowly, she entered Kylo's personal bathroom.

It was big and all black, as usual. On the left side there were two sinks with a large set of mirrors above them. The toilet was across the sinks and on the far end of the room was the shower. It was quite big, Alexia was sure that at least three more Alexias could fit there with herself.

She stripped to the skin and got inside the shower, turning on the water. She waited till it was warm enough, then stepped under the water. For a couple of minutes she just stood like that, eyes closed, as the water ran down her body. Since the previous night she was feeling weaker than ever.

But she had to hide that weakness. She had to keep up her usual posture.

 _I can turn everything into anger, this always works._

It had always been easier to punch things when she felt weak, anger was just another wall she loved hiding behind.

 _I have to recover from this unstable state, I'm giving way too many soft spots to Kylo._

 _But so does he. He's become emotional all of a sudden._

 _And he actually cares about me, this must be something really rare. Or perhaps a miracle._

 _What about me? Do I care about him?_

The answer was obvious –she did care about him. She didn't know why or since when, it was nearly impossible to track that back. They both were starting to reveal weaknesses to each other and this was not good. This was bad, indeed.

 _I don't wanna open up my soul to anyone else._ Alexia thought as she wrapped the towel around her body and got out of the shower. _It hurts._

The next day was full of angry punching and yelling. As she had said to herself the previous night, Alexia had turned all her emotions into one specific feeling –anger. Kylo was the first to realise her anger, he could tell it just from her stance. And he knew exactly why, so he didn't go hard on her for the first time.

There was only one problem –Nyrathen Dawn.

She would not miss any chance to annoy Alexia. Alexia could easily tell that Nyrathen was so damn jealous of her strength and powers that it was rotting her from inside. She had her eyes on Alexia's life, basically –she was even jealous of the way Alexia was allowed to speak to Kylo.

Oh, and Alexia was pretty sure that Nyrathen _fancied_ Kylo. The way she was looking at him told everything, even Jai was aware of that.

After Alexia threw the dummy on Nyrathen with the help of the Force, Kylo dismissed them for the rest of the day. Alexia spent the rest of the day with Jai and Lyonsse –she had introduced the boys to each other and somehow they were getting on pretty well –after dinner they stole two bottles of red wine and drank them while chatting in the Panorama Room. Then everybody went to sleep.

Well, they tried to sleep, and Alexia was not able to success in that.

Every time she fell asleep, she was waking up from a nightmare either breathlessly or screaming. It was nearly 1am when she decided she would not be able to sleep alone that night.

She left her cell in her pyjamas –which were black shorts and a grey tunic –and headed for Kylo's chambers, she was hoping that he would let her stay there. As she arrived, she rang the bell but there was no response. He was not in his chambers. _It's 1am, where the fuck can he be at this time?_

With shaky fingers, Alexia entered the passcode for the door. As she pressed the green button, the door opened itself with a _vush_ sound and revealed the room behind it. Alexia got inside with quick steps and the door closed behind her.

For a few seconds she just looked around, trying to figure out what to do. Then she decided to sit on the black-sheeted bed to wait Kylo. To her luck, the door opened five minutes later. Kylo Ren got inside, his usual armour on him. He took off his mask and placed it on the desk, then turned back.

His eyes widened upon seeing Alexia. Before he could speak, Alexia talked. "I know what you're thinking, I'm not supposed to be here but before you start shouting at me, let me tell you: I cannot sleep." she said, then looked away. "Those two nights have damaged me, my conscious especially. I cannot close my eyes, let alone sleep."

"So that's why you're here? You want to sleep," Kylo said as he pointed himself with his gloved hand. "with _me_?"

Alexia nodded "Yeah, that's kinda the deal." she said, then took a deep breath and stood up, walking towards him. "Look, I know it sounds weird but somehow I feel peaceful when you're with me. It's wrong for me to feel that way but I think you're... you're good... for me."

Kylo eyed her for some moments, then nodded slowly. "Let me change into something more comfortable." he said as he headed to his changing room. While waiting for him, Alexia stood in front of the massive mirror and eyed her reflection.

Her sapphire eyes looked tired. In fact, she looked tired. Her black curls were all right, at least, but she froze when her eyes wandered to her arms. There were bruises, parts of her skin were turning from purple to green. With timid movements, she touched the bruises on her left arm and flinched upon the pain it brought.

"They're from last night, aren't they?"

Alexia looked back to see Kylo, leaning the door trim. As he walked towards Alexia, she turned back to the mirror and watched his reflection. "I guess so but I've not recognised them earlier."

Kylo stood right behind her, looking down at her from her reflection. Then, he gathered Alexia's hair on her right shoulder and slowly leaned down. Alexia closed her eyes as his warm lips left a small kiss on the bruise.

He whispered as he stepped back. "Better?"

Alexia turned to face him. "Yeah," she said as he looked into his brown eyes. Her heart literally skipped a beat when she saw a faint smile on his lips.

"Come then, it's getting late."

Alexia got under the covers, she was lying on her back on the right side of the double bed. Kylo Ren switched off the lights and got under the covers as well. For ten minutes or so, they both just lied on their backs and watched the ceiling. Their eyes were adjusting to darkness.

Alexia heard Kylo move under the sheets, then she felt his hot breath on her left shoulder. He was lying on his right side, facing Alexia. She turned and lied on her left side to face him. Slowly, Kylo's hand moved to Alexia's face and he caressed her cheek with the side of his index finger.

"I don't like seeing you weak," he said with a low voice. "You're a strong and independent woman, Alexia. But seeing you as a prisoner of your own past in a weak state bothers me."

"I don't like the situation either." Alexia said, her voice was low too. "It drives me crazy. Everything happened so fast and consecutively."

"I haven't told you this before –and to be honest I didn't think I would tell you this in the first place –but I envy you in some ways." Kylo said as his hand moved to her arm, still caressing her skin. "You've been through some pretty bad stuff since you were brought up there, on the Finalizer, and still you stand upright."

Alexia's eyes widened, her heart was beating fast. "Do you... mean it?"

"I do."

And in that moment, being recklessly bold, Alexia moved her body towards Kylo's till there was nothing between them. Then, slowly she pressed her lips to his. For a few seconds, they both stood still. Then Kylo pulled his head a little back.

"No, Alexia, we can't..." he started to explain but Alexia interrupted him.

"Why not? We've been through a lot Kylo, and I don't get why this damn kiss is still forbidden for us to share." Alexia asked.

"You know exactly why, Alexia, don't make me explain it to you once more." Kylo said, Alexia could feel the seriousness in his voice.

"We've done that before." Alexia said, which made Kylo lose all the hard posture he had forced himself to take. "I remember it Kylo. You know I do."

Without waiting for him to response, she pressed her lips to his once more. This time he didn't pull back, instead he kissed her back. Her hands moved to his black hair as his hands found their way to her waist.

The kiss was soft and it contained many things that they couldn't have put into words, but unfortunately didn't last long. Before the tongues could get involved, Kylo pulled himself back with a thousand efforts. "Alexia, this is not right." he said. "That kiss, it involved way too many emotions that I dare not speak about and you know it as well as I do."

"What if I don't care?" Alexia said. "What if I do not give a fuck about any of Snoke's damn rules?"

"Then you die, Alexia and I can't let that happen!" Kylo said, his voice was loud and serious. After lowering his voice, he continued to talk. "We cannot grow feelings for each other, Alexia. No love, no care and no compassion. It has to be this way. I... I know there had been times that we had shown _friendlier_ emotions but there should be no more. Alexia I... I cannot lose you, do you understand?"

Alexia smiled at him sadly. "That's compassion, too."

"I know, and I'll try to make it the very last one." Kylo said, then placed a kiss on her forehead and turned to the other side. Alexia turned her back to him as well and closed her eyes but she was not able to hold back the tear that escaped from her eyes.

For the very first time in years, for the first time after Rosh's death, Alexia Gradval was broken.

 _No love, no care, no compassion._

 _Well, it's too late._

 _I have no idea since when, but I realise it now and it's far too late._

 _I have feelings._

 _For him._

 _I, Alexia Gradval, have feelings for Kylo Ren._

 _I'm so screwed._

 **FINALLY SHE ADMITTED IT YEY!!**

 **So what's up my space babies??? I hope you all enjoyed the chapter!!**

 **As always, I need reviews. Like, more reviews 'cus most of you are too inactive and this makes me sad ):**

 **Wookie hugs**


	20. -20-

Alexia opened her eyes slowly upon hearing the alarm, it must have been Kylo's. Lying on her back, she watched the ceiling for a couple of minutes before she was blinded by the lights Kylo turned on.

"You could have warned me," she muttered as she shielded her eyes with her right hand "It hurts."

Kylo simply ignored her "Morning to you, too." he said then went to the bathroom, closing the door behind. Alexia straightened and stood up, taking deep breaths. I _'ll survive this day without crying_.

 _I hate being so damn emotional._

Wearing her black boots, she exited Kylo's chambers and quickly headed to her own. She still had an hour before the breakfast and she had to find a way to distract herself. And there was only one way of doing that –the guitar.

For, almost, forty five minutes it was just Alexia and the music. It had a detox-like effect on her, she was feeling much better when she was walking towards the cafeteria. After taking some eggs, a cup of coffee and a green apple on her track, she sat next to Jai.

"Morning," Alexia said as she sent him a fake smile.

"Morning, Alex." Jai said after taking a sip from his tea.

"You're drinking jasmine tea, again?" she asked "Coffee is much better, y'know..."

"I'm more like a tea person," Jai replied her "Tea is an art, which is not understood by everyone."

"Yeah, not by me for example." Alexia said as she sliced the egg "Coffee is an integral part of my life."

"Your life is pretty much coffee and alcohol." Jai said.

Alexia laughed "Well, that's true. There are some more little things but it's pretty much coffee and alcohol."

Jai laughed too but his laughter died as he eyed Alexia, then he frowned, which made Alexia frown as well "Is everything okay? I mean with you." he asked.

"Why would you ask that?" Alexia replied him with a question as she tried her best not to look nervous, which was jam for her.

"The glint in your sapphire eyes," Jai said "It's gone. And you look tired."

Alexia waved her hand, meaning that it was nothing "Oh, it happens. I don't get enough sleep, you know. Nights aren't easy with all those nightmares."

"Yeah, forgot about that, sorry." Jai muttered. Alexia shrugged as another person next to her. Alexia tried her best not to roll her eyes as she saw that it was Nyrathen.

"Morning," Nyrathen said, somewhat cheerfully. Jai muttered a morning as well whereas Alexia kept quiet "I have some news for you –I've seen Kylo Ren without his mask and he was _mouth-watering_!"

Alexia kept her gaze on the green apple as she span the knife with her right hand.

"What? Why don't you look surprised, it's not that we get to see him without that thing every day!" Nyrathen murmured.

"First of all, I don't care if he's hot or not, Nyrathen, I'm not gay." Jai responded instead of Alexia "And when it comes to Alexia, well, she gets to see him without the mask every day, actually. Right, Alexia?"

Alexia nodded as she looked at Nyrathen "He doesn't wear that stupid thing when it's just him and I."

Nyrathen frowned "What is so special about you? You can talk to him in every way you like, you can see him as his true self and apparently you get to share some time alone with him as well."

"I know what you think, Nyrathen, and only a fool would think that there's something between Kylo and I." Alexia said, her voice was scornful.

"Then tell me –what's the difference between you and I?" Nyrathen asked.

Alexia could feel the rage rising within herself "The difference is that you had a choice!" Alexia responded loudly, then lowered her voice "You have to do whatever Kylo orders you to because that's what you've agreed to. You've chosen to come here and if you disobey, well, who knows what'll happen. For fuck's sake you call him Master Ren, of course you cannot dig your heels in against him.

"But I didn't have choice. It was damn hard for me to be here, on the Finalizer against my own will and I did everything I could do to make it even harder for Kylo. I rebelled against him, I yelled at him, I swore at him and I'm still alive. 'Cus Snoke needs me alive, even though he had ordered Kylo to kill that rebel within me on the very first day. And after sometime Kylo got used to it, me not obeying him in every way he wanted."

"But it's the Supreme Leader you're talking about... You cannot disobey him!" Nyrathen said, her shock was obvious. And Jai was watching everything quietly.

Alexia laughed in a mocking way "Do you really think that my loyalties lay with the First Order?" she asked as she span the knife once more, then pointed it to Nyrathen "I told you, Nyrathen, don't act like such an imbecile. I didn't have a choice –I was taken as a captive. And I would never, ever side with the murderers of my father."

Upon hearing her last sentence, Nyrathen's blue eyes widened.

"If I have even the slightest chance, I'll leave the Finalizer. I'll run away. After that, after I'm gone, you can fuck with Kylo however and whenever you like. But for now, I'm the bitchy queen here and you're just a youngling, who can't even hold a lightsabre." Alexia whispered "And if you try to do something –anything to me, if I ever feel like you're plotting something against me, I will not hesitate to kill you." She pulled back the knife and suddenly threw it to her apple.

 **(Time skip)**

Once more, it had been an aggressive training for Alexia. She had beaten the hologram in the final difficulty with the lightsabre and made the dummy's head explode with the frequency and the strength of her punches.

Right now, she was lying on a mattress and trying to steady her breathing. The training had just ended and all of them were catching their breaths. Jai literally threw himself on Alexia, but ended up being pushed away with the Force.

"Jai Ducasse, what the fuck was that?" Alexia asked, then laughed. Jai laughed as well while he was lying next to her.

"I can't get enough oxygen to think before I act." he responded, then suddenly his expression changed into something more serious "All aside, are you sure that you're alright? You seemed pretty furious back then, during the training."

Alexia shrugged as she looked at him "Nothing important, don't worry about me."

"I just want you to know that you're not alone, you always have me and Lyo." Jai said as he smiled warmly at Alexia.

Alexia gulped, then smiled softly at Jai "Thank you, Jai, I really appreciate your friendship." she said, then straightened and stood up. She could feel a pair of brown eyes watching herself behind a mask.

"Alexia, there's something I want to talk about." Kylo's metallic voice said. Alexia rolled her eyes as she walked towards his black figure, Jai and Nyrathen were looking at them curiously.

"I'm not talking with that thing on," Alexia said, pointing the mask "Even Nyrathen has seen your face, why do you still wear it in the first place?"

"You have to find a way to get along with Nyrathen, one way or another." Kylo said, then took off his mask. With a simple movement of his head, he made his hair flip slightly, making the curls find their places.

"I'll get along with Nyrathen when hell freezes over." Alexia told him as she sent him a fake smile.

"That can easily be arranged." Kylo teased her back, raising an eyebrow.

 _Stop thinking about how hot he looks right now._

Alexia cleared her throat "Anyway, why do you wanna talk?"

Kylo turned to Jai and Nyrathen "You two can go to the lunch." he said, but the real meaning was _Get out so we can talk_. Nyrathen glared at Alexia, then she left the training area behind Jai. Then, Kylo turned back to Alexia "The things you've said in the morning," he began but Alexia interrupted him.

"You weren't there, how can you know what I've said?" she asked, then answered her own question "Ah, Nyrathen's mind."

"I can linger between her memories whenever I like without making her notice –I think she is opening her mind to me on purpose –I'm aware that you know how weak her mind is as well." he explained.

"Well, what then?" Alexia asked as she crossed her hands on her chest.

Kylo eyed her for a moment, then he talked while a smirk found its way to his lips "You're jealous of Nyrathen, aren't you?"

Alexia's eyes widened "Me? Jealous of her? Are you fucking out of your mind?" she asked "I'm the one who's more powerful here, not her. She's the one who's jealous of me, of everything I have and everything I do. Geez, didn't you see her face while she was leaving?"

Upon seeing Kylo's smirk grow, Alexia understood that he had said that just to see her reaction. He was enjoying this. _I wanna punch him right in the face._

"If you say so," he said, then wiped that smirk off his face. Alexia raised an eyebrow "Anyway, I'll get straight to the point –the things you've said this morning are in some ways treason."

"So what?" Alexia asked "You're gonna torture me? Kill me? It'd be my pleasure, Kylo." she added "And you don't seem surprised at all."

"I've always known that you hated being here, on the Finalizer, Alexia but I've never thought you'd bring those thoughts into words." he said, then lowered his voice "And I know why you're doing this now, because you're _broken_."

"Well, then I guess I'm not the only _broken_ here." she responded "The Kylo I've known so far would not give a fuck about what I've said back there."

It was obvious that he wasn't expecting Alexia to be that witty, he was struggling to find the right words.

 _That's how you turn the tables, Kylo, learn it from a master._

"If you're finished with your little talk, I'm going to the lunch. Good evening."

Without waiting for him to answer, Alexia exited the training area and left Kylo Ren in a condition in which he was at a loss for words.

 **(Time skip)**

"Hey, hey, hey –slow down, champ." Lyonsse said as he tried to take the bottle from Alexia but she pushed him away.

"I know what I'm doing, Lyo, stop acting parent-ish." Alexia muttered. They were in the Panorama Room, as always, and had stolen two bottles –one red wine and one whiskey, which was in Alexia's hands.

"So why are you trying to get drunk this time?" Lyonsse asked as he poured himself a glass of wine. Without his Stormtrooper armour on, he was indeed handsome. At least, Alexia was sure that Wyne would have liked him if she had seen him "Let me guess, it's your _boyfriend_ , isn't it?"

Alexia rolled her eyes "He is not my _boyfriend_ , for fuck's sake." she said "But yeah, it's about him. I can't tell you the whole story 'cus he keeps reading your mind and checking on your memories about me."

"What the fuck, I didn't know that," Lyonsse said, somewhat angrily "That's the infringement of _privacy_."

"There's no such thing as _privacy_ in the First Order, so cut the puling." Alexia said as she took another big sip from the whiskey "Oh, I love whiskey."

"I can see," Lyonsse muttered "You're just one hella alcoholic, girl."

"Well, there's no other way I can let it all hang out." Alexia said as she leaned a column "At least I could prostitute back on Darkknell. Here I do not have such option as _sex_."

"I admire it when you are so comfortable with the fact that you'd been working as a prostitute. It's like you don't give a shit about anything."

Alexia nodded "Well, that's not wrong. I don't give a shit about most of the things." she said, then looked into Lyonsse's blue eyes "I'm not ashamed of my past, it's just there are some specific things that I'm still not over, that's all."

Lyonsse squeezed her shoulder "We all have things we still cannot face, that's alright. I bet that Kylo Ren has some of them, too." he said, then took a sip from his wine.

"Oh, he has as much as I have, I don't doubt that." Alexia muttered, then brought the bottle to her lips. After a few more sips, half of the whiskey was drunk. Taking a deep breath, Alexia put the bottle aside "Okay, I'm not gonna drink more. I don't wanna have endless headaches tomorrow."

"Well, I'm impressed. You can still be reasonable." Lyonsse said "That's some progress."

Alexia rolled her eyes "Oh, shut up."

The rest of the night was full of chatting –they had talked about mostly everything. Their past lives, the songs they liked, the foods they hated... It was nearly 1am when Lyonsse dropped Alexia to her cell. Without caring to change into her pyjamas, she fell asleep -quickly than usual.

 _A soft wind was making the trees dance slowly, Alexia smiled as she lied on the grass. It was a peaceful night, seeing the night sky after a very long while made her feel a lot better. On her was a short, purple dress –which surely belonged to Wyne._

 _Alexia closed her eyes as she saw a shooting star._ I wish Wyne could be here as well.

 _Suddenly, she felt another presence lying next to her. With the hope that it could be Wyne, Alexia opened her eyes but the person lying near her wasn't Wyne, for sure._

 _"Someone's disappointed about seeing me." Kylo said as he placed his hands under his head "Were you expecting somebody else?"_

 _"Leave me alone, at least in my dreams. This is a private area." Alexia muttered as she lied back. Then it hit her. It was a dream, which meant that she could do whatever she wanted "This is a dream..."_

 _"I don't think so, I feel absolutely real." Kylo said. Totally ignoring him, Alexia straightened, then sat on Kylo's lap, straggling him. He raised an eyebrow "Sudden change in the mood?"_

 _"Stop judging," Alexia said, then ran her right hand through Kylo's raven curls "Your hair's so soft, it feels almost satisfying to comb them."_

 _"Strange, Nyrathen thought the same as well," Kylo said, making a surprised face._

 _Alexia pulled back her hand and frowned "If you're bringing up that bitch, then I'm going," she said but Kylo chuckled and held her from her wrists, not letting her go._

 _"I like teasing you, can't blame me for that," he said, pulling her towards his body more, till their face were inches away. Then he planted a small kiss on her lips._

 _Alexia raised an eyebrow "Do you think I'll content myself just with this?" she asked. Kylo smirked "Right answer," Alexia whispered as she closed the distance between their lips._

 **Hellooo, my space babies, how is it going??? I hope the chapter was good enough (:**

 **Now, time to answer some questions: Kylo and Alexia's situation here is not the same with the Jedi's, Snoke forbid Kylo to have any kind of relationship with anyone cus he thinks that it will distract him and draw him away from achieving what he has in mind. In other words, caring or loving someone might pull Kylo back to the Light and Snoke doesnt wanna take risks**

 **As always, give me reviews (:**

 **Wookie hugs**


	21. -21-

Two and a half weeks had passed since Kylo and Alexia shared their little kiss in Kylo's chambers.

After that last argument, they hadn't spoken with each other properly. It felt like some of them had pressed a _rewind_ button –they didn't see each other after the training anymore and none of them teased the other during the training as well. Everything felt almost same compared to her first times on the Finalizer –even his metallic voice was the same. Yes, he had returned to his _beloved_ helmet once more.

Oh, and they had stopped using their first names too. It had been just Ren and Gradval for a while.

Of course, Jai and Nyrathen were aware of the change in Alexia and Kylo's actions. Jai had been the first to ask Alexia.

 _"Hey, Alexia," Jai called after her. Alexia stopped and turned back. The training had just ended and the only thing she wanted that moment was to have a cold shower._

 _"What's it?" Alexia asked as Jai approached her._

 _"I just wonder something," he said "You don't rebel to Ren anymore. It used to be fun, watching you two bicker but that doesn't happen as well. May I ask why?"_

 _Whenever he felt as if he was under danger, Jai Ducasse talked in the most polite way he could. And that moment, Alexia knew that Jai was afraid of her. Of the way she could react._

 _But instead of proving him right, Alexia did nothing but took a deep breath "We... We don't do that anymore. Those times are over." she responded and without waiting for him to say anything else, she left the place._

Lyonsse never asked her about the topic, probably Jai had explained and warned him not to bring it up. On the other hand, Nyrathen was doing everything she could to make Alexia fly into a rage. And somehow, she had managed to grow close with Kylo. Nyrathen Dawn had grown close with Kylo Ren.

That was probably the most annoying part.

But of course, she was nothing like Alexia. She walked behind Kylo like a dog following his master and every time he spoke, she just hanged on his lips. Alexia was just rolling her eyes to those all the time.

Since a while; Alexia, Jai and Nyrathen had been training together –mostly in combat trainings. They were fighting with each other as pairs and not surprisingly, Alexia was training with Nyrathen. In fact it made fun to kick her ass every day. It was a good way to let out her anger.

Oh, and there were no more mental trainings for Alexia. There were three reasons for that: Alexia didn't need them anymore, Kylo was overmuch busy and apparently both of them didn't want to spend any more time alone. Instead of the mental trainings, she was working on with her sabre kills more. With a real lightsabre, _her_ lightsabre.

 _It was the week before, Alexia was returning to her cell after taking a shower in Kylo's chambers –she was still using there but most of the times Kylo wasn't in his chambers and when he was there, they still didn't talk. After changing into her pyjamas, it was 1 am, she noticed the box on her desk. It had a note on it and inside was a red lightsabre._

 _This is the very first reward you'll get for your hard work. Do not make it the last one._

 _–Kylo Ren_

 _She was excited but also disappointed. She was no fool, of course she knew that it was important for the apprentices to make their own lightsabres. Why didn't she get the chance to make her own lightsabre?_

That question was never asked and answered.

And about Kylo's business, she didn't know exactly but he often went to missions at night and sometimes in the middle of the day, too. As far as Alexia heard from Lyonsse, the Resistance was close but still they couldn't be caught.

Alexia yawned as she headed to the training area with Jai. At breakfast, he had been surprisingly quiet for a reason Alexia couldn't tell, yet. A few minutes after their arrival came Nyrathen.

"Isn't Master Ren coming?" Jai asked.

Nyrathen shook her head "He went on another mission earlier this morning." she answered, then sent a scornful look to Alexia "Alexia used to tell us these things about him."

Alexia frowned as she stood up from where she was sitting "Have you forgot that I take his place when Kylo Ren is not here for the training?" she said "And this means if you talk to me that way once more, you'll find yourself flying across the room. Is that understood? Now start with the weights."

It sounded creepy but Alexia quite liked acting like a female Kylo Ren.

After their weight lifting was finally over, Jai moved to train with the hologram whereas the two girls faced each other, ready to fight. Nyrathen made the first move, Alexia bended and avoided her fist. But as soon as she stood up, she was forced to do a backflip to escape a couple of kicks.

"What the fuck is wrong with you today?" Alexia asked, somewhat furiously "If you wanna give it your all, then go to the hologram!"

Nyrathen smirked "Afraid I'll kick your ass?"

"It's Kylo Ren's orders, you fucking idiot. It's pointless to injure one another in the training –we are at war!" Alexia hissed but Nyrathen ignored her and threw another punch. Alexia held her hand in mid-air "You've asked for this."

She kicked Nyrathen from her stomach. She screamed as she backed away a few steps "That hurt!"

"I've warned you." Alexia said "Now go train with the hologram."

The rest of the day went totally uneventful, Alexia and Jai ate their lunch together, then went to practise with the lightsabres. After the second part of the training, Alexia went to Kylo's chambers to take a shower. It was past 8 pm when she entered the cafeteria for dinner.

"And I was beginning to worry," Lyonsse said as Alexia sat next to Jai "Where were you?"

"Shower," Alexia responded as she took a bite of the chicken "Tell me about today's mission."

"I wasn't there this time but I've heard that we've kinda exploded another Resistance base." Lyonsse told her.

"So they're back?" Alexia asked. Jai nodded.

"Master Ren asked me about today's training." he said "I guess he was satisfied."

"Of course he is, he added another victory to his list." Lyonsse muttered but Alexia was looking at Jai with questioning eyes instead of listening to her friend.

"There's something you're not telling me." Alexia said, then continued without letting Jai talk "No, I didn't read your mind –I can tell it without doing so. You're not good at hiding things."

Jai straight up posture disappeared "I... I just didn't want to annoy you with it."

Alexia put her left hand on his shoulder "Hey, you know you can always come and talk to me, right?"

"I know and that's the problem –it's not something like that."

"Just say it dude," Lyonsse said "It's for your best, she is gonna get it one way or another –I know Alexia well."

Alexia rolled her eyes at Lyonsse, who sent her a smirk in return.

Jai lowered his voice "Nyrathen was showing off with this but I think Ren got angry with her when he found out that she was telling it to everyone, so that's why you haven't heard it yet." he said, then with one simple sentence he made all Alexia's walls come crashing down "Kylo Ren slept with Nyrathen."

"You mean like that?" Lyonsse asked as he made a movement with his fingers. Jai rolled his eyes at him.

"Very funny, Lyo, keep acting like a ten year old boy."

Without saying anything, Alexia stood up. Lyonsse frowned "Hey, where are you going? You didn't eat a thing!"

"Leave me alone." Alexia said but before she could flee, Jai held her wrist.

"Are you alright? You look like a ghost."

Alexia forced her wrist free from his hold and headed to her cell. After locking the door behind her, she ran to her bed and screamed at the top her lungs, her head buried in her pillow.

It was nonsense, it was stupid and beyond all –it did hurt. How could he do such a thing? She knew she should not be thinking that way, as if he was hers, but she couldn't help herself. After all those things they've been through that wasn't fair.

"That's why I never wanted to take anyone in my life after Rosh's death," Alexia muttered to herself as she rolled onto her back, her sight was blurry because of the tears forming in her eyes "I knew I wasn't strong enough to bare watching one more person leaving me."

She slowly stood up and took a bottle of whiskey from her drink storage in the wardrobe –she was stealing them from the lower floor. Hiding it in her sweater, Alexia left her cell and let her feet take her to the Panorama Room.

For a moment, the magnificent view made her forget everything that was going wrong in her damn life –even the bottle in her sweater became imperceptible. For a moment, she was in Darkknell again.

But it was ephemeral, just like every nice thing that had happened before.

She walked towards the massive window and sat down. As she began to drink the whiskey, she let herself silently cry. _What the fuck is wrong with me? Who cries while drinking a whiskey?_

 **(Time Skip)**

Drinking the entire bottle was not a good idea.

But Alexia loved bad ideas.

She was drunk, again, but it was not like the last time. She could walk and stand, so she was not wasted. Yet.

As she was walking back to her cell, bad ideas were appearing from every corner. Her mind was full of mischievous thoughts and at that moment, the most attractive one was waking the whole Finalizer up. So she started to sing with such loud voice that she was almost screaming.

 _Back in black, I hit the sack_

 _I've been too long I'm glad to be back_

 _Yes, I'm let loose from the noose that's kept me hanging about_

 _I've been looking at the sky 'cause it's gettin' me high_

 _Forget the hearse 'cause I never die_

 _I got nine lives, cat's eyes_

 _Abusin' every one of them and running wild_

Before she could continue, she felt a hand on her mouth "Alexia, what the fuck are you doing?! It's two at night!" Lyonsse whispered "I'll pull my hand back and you'll not shout like a maniac, okay?"

Alexia nodded and turned to him "What are you doing before my cell anyway?" she asked.

"I was worried about you –we were worried about you. Jai went to sleep but I was waiting for you to..." Lyonsse stopped talking then sniffed the air "Wait, wait, wait... You smell whiskey. Alexia, tell me that you're not drunk."

"You're a fucking idiot," Alexia muttered "I was shouting in the middle of the night and you are asking me if I'm drunk?"

"But you don't seem like the last time," Lyonsse said as he raised an eyebrow.

Alexia rolled her eyes "Because I only drank one bottle!" she shouted, then lowered her voice "Sorry."

Suddenly, Alexia looked at Lyonsse in a _different_ way. She took a step towards him "You're quite cute," she whispered "Why haven't I slept with you before?"

Lyonsse's blue eyes widened with shock "Okay, you're going to sleep. Right now, for everyone's good."

"With you," Alexia purred like a cat.

Lyonsse stepped back "Alexia, if I listen to you right now, you're going to _fuck_ me in the morning. And I _don't_ mean it in a metaphorical way."

Alexia jumped on him and wrapped her arms around his neck and crushed her lips into his. Lyonsse pushed her away instead of returning the kiss "Alexia, go and sleep. Please."

Instead of doing so, Alexia Gradval sat on the floor and started crying the second time that night "You don't want me, too! Why does no one want me?"

Lyonsse took a deep breath and held her up bridal style "Come here," he muttered as he placed Alexia's hand on the scanner. The door opened with a _vush_ sound and closed behind him. Lyonsse placed Alexia on her bed "It's your hot-headed boyfriend, isn't it?"

"Who is my boyfriend?" Alexia asked.

Lyonsse leaned the desk "You know who I'm talking about." he said "I know you're jealous of that bitchy Nyrathen, it's quite obvious."

Alexia frowned "Shut up." she muttered and turned her back to him "I want to sleep."

Lyonsse rolled his eyes "A _thank you_ could be nice," he murmured as he left Alexia alone with her thoughts.

 **It's been ages, I know. I knew it'd not be a good chapter since it's uneventful but trust me when I say that -great chapters are on their way. I just need the motivation to write.**

 **That's why I'm posting two chapters a day! You, my space babies, deserve more than one chapter after that long break and I hope you're still sticking up with me!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	22. -22-

Before the annoying sound of her alarm, an unbearable headache woke Alexia up. Lying on her bed with her eyes closed tight, she remembered everything that had happened the night before. As she opened her eyes, an expression of disgust appeared on her face.

 _I hit on Lyonsse. That was the shallowest thing I could have done. Fuck, why can't I just disappear?_

Alexia stood up slowly and the very first thing she did was taking a painkiller. _Ah, why would I do without those painkillers_? Then, she changed into her casual clothes –a black tunic and black tights. After wearing her sneakers, she casted a look at her reflection.

"Nope, this doesn't look like me at all." Alexia muttered to herself. The under-eye-bags looked awful, like really awful. She didn't remember looking that bad lately. Taking a concealer, she let the makeup do its magic "Now that's better."

 _I won't let Kylo and Nyrathen have the pleasure of seeing me weak._ Alexia thought as she applied a solution to her hair. _I have been through worse things on my own, this isn't something I can't handle._

"It's time to drive Kylo Ren mad, just like the good old days." Alexia muttered to herself while exiting her cell with a smirk on her lips "Let's rebel."

With her usual posture she arrived at the cafeteria, shoulders upright and head high. Taking a cup of coffee and an omelette-plate, she sat next to Jai. Lyonsse was there as well. Alexia smiled at them "Morning,"

Lyonsse eyed her for a few seconds "Someone's in good mood today."

"Yeah, had some issues to solve on my own. I'm sorry I acted cold and distant last night." Alexia said and took a bite from the omelette.

Jai waved his hand "Never mind. It happens."

"No, it doesn't." Lyonsse muttered.

Alexia rolled her eyes "I'm sorry that I kissed you, Lyo, is that what you wanna hear?" she asked, Jai laughed. He probably knew the story.

Lyonsse frowned as he spoke "You insisted on _sleeping_ with me!"

"And you didn't sleep with me, I appreciate that." Alexia replied.

"That's some self-control, buddy." Jai said, causing Lyonsse to facepalm himself.

The breakfast had been a pleasant one, Alexia and Jai were laughing at a joke Jai told when they arrived at the training area. Kylo and Nyrathen were already there. Kylo Ren turned towards them as he felt their presence "You're late, Gradval." his metallic voice said.

"I'm never late, Ren." Alexia said, looked at the clock on the wall, then turned back to Kylo "Actually, I'm one minute early. Now, if you had your morning douse of _accusing-Alexia-with-random-things_ , I want to start my training."

She could feel Kylo, glaring at her behind the mask while she took the weights. Jai winked at her, Alexia shrugged.

 **(Time Skip)**

With her eyes closed, Alexia was working with the lightsabre. Sensing another laser coming, she moved the sabre to her left and deflected the laser. The droid changed its position and the next laser came from behind her. She bended just in time.

"Even a kid can do these," Nyrathen muttered.

Alexia moved the lightsabre to her right and deflected the last laser while taking the blindfolds off with her free hand "You're asking for it, again." she said as she shut down the droid "I don't get it, do you love losing that much? You're pathetic."

Kylo Ren was in a hand-to-hand combat with Jai and Nyrathen was waiting for her turn. She frowned as she stood up "I'll _show_ you who's pathetic!"

Alexia defused her lightsabre and hung it to her belt "I'm waiting," she said, turning to face Nyrathen "C'mon, show me all you've got." Alexia challenged her, then raised an eyebrow "What, you've suddenly decided to listen to your _master's_ orders? Strange, I don't remember seeing that _obeying attitude_ yesterday..." Nyrathen gulped, Kylo and Jai had stopped training and watching them. Alexia took a few steps towards her "Oh, Nyrathen, you're just a little, toady bitch."

Just as Alexia expected, the last sentence was enough to drive Nyrathen mad. With blind rage, she attacked Alexia. But her stance was too wrong, Alexia quickly slid between her legs and kicked her, causing Nyrathen to fall down. Climbing on top of her, Alexia punched Nyrathen from her cheekbone. Nyrathen screamed in pain as Alexia smirked.

"That felt _so_ good."

Nyrathen pulled Alexia's hair and started kicking all around her like crazy. One of them hit Alexia, she frowned and held Nyrathen's head in her hands, then hit it to the floor. But before she could do more, she was pulled away from Nyrathen. She struggled to free herself from Kylo's hold –of course it was Kylo, Jai wasn't strong enough to hold Alexia that tight –and when she succeeded doing so, she turned to face him.

"What, you want some as well?" Alexia asked. She knew how she looked at that moment –a woman who was blinded by revenge. Her hair was puffy and some parts of it were falling before her face, shading her sight. There was blood on her lips and she was gritting her teeth.

On the other end of the training area, Jai was helping Nyrathen with getting up.

"I thought you were over with this rebel nonsense." Kylo Ren said, still with the mask on.

Alexia smirked as she pushed her hair back "Once a rebel, always a rebel. You know you can't kill it unless..."

Kylo interrupted her, he knew exactly what she was going to say "And you know the consequences."

"Is this a threat?" Alexia asked "I'm not afraid of you, Kylo."

As the familiar feeling of being Force-chocked surrounded her, she was lifted off the floor. Kylo's arm was extended forwards and Alexia could easily imagine his expression behind that mask. Without thinking twice, without thinking about the consequences; she moved her right hand to the side, making Kylo fall on his knees.

Alexia heard Jai gasp as she fell to the ground. Without giving herself any time to breathe properly, she stood up. It was impossible not to feel the rage radiating from Kylo Ren. He ignited his lightsabre as he stood up.

"You dare use the Force on me?!" he roared.

Alexia ignited her lightsabre as well "I told you, I don't fear you."

"Then you're not as wise as you think you are." Kylo said as he attacked. Alexia parried his attack and took a few steps back.

"Wise? I've never talked about being wise." Alexia responded "If I was a wise person, I wouldn't have been here in the first place."

Their lightsabres hit each other, creating eerie noises. Kylo Ren was way too stronger than Alexia was, she was being forced to bend backwards to avoid her own lightsabre touching her skin "Do you honestly believe you can beat me?" Kylo asked.

"No, I don't." Alexia responded "But I can try."

Suddenly, she stopped pushing, defused her lightsabre and threw herself to the ground. As soon as her back met the floor, Alexia pushed herself away from Kylo with the Force. Disappearance of the equipoise made Kylo stumble forwards but he kept his balance. Alexia jumped to her feet.

"Enough," Kylo hissed as he closed the fingers of his left hand. Alexia's eyes widened –she was literally flying to Kylo Ren. When she was close enough, he made her float in the air. He pointed his sabre towards Alexia "You've gone too far this time, Gradval."

"Do it, then. What are you waiting for? You've already taken everything I had!" Alexia shouted, then lowered her voice. Only Kylo could her hear now "Kill me, just like you've killed _your father_ and watch as the remorse rots you from inside."

Kylo Ren roared with fury and in that moment, being blind with rage, he slashed Alexia's right shoulder with his lightsabre. But when he realised what he had done, it was far too late. Losing all his concentration, he let his lightsabre fall to the ground and defuse itself.

Alexia screamed in pain as she fell to the floor, holding her wounded shoulder. Her sight was blurry and she wasn't sure if she was conscious anymore. The last thing she remembered was someone carrying her to the infirmary.

 **(POV Change)**

 _No! No! NO!_

It had never been that hard to hide his worry before. But how could he not freak out when she was lying unconscious and wounded in his arms? He gritted his teeth and fastened his steps as she groaned in pain once more.

 _I fucking care about her. And I had thought being distant would kill everything I've been feeling... Instead, it almost caused her death!_

The doctors quickly took Alexia from Kylo Ren and disappeared behind the doors. Kylo took a deep breath, it was not the time to have another tantrum. _Snoke always told me not to restrain my anger, told me that I could gain power from my anger but it doesn't always work that way..._

 _That's why I am not allowed to grow feelings for someone. Now I understand it better._

 _I need to find a way to hide this from him, from Snoke. For my own good. For her own good._

He closed his eyes. _I don't want her to look at me with hatred, as if I'm a monster._

 _But I am... I am a monster._

He was pulled back to the reality as he heard the door open "Commander Ren," said the doctor.

Kylo turned to the doctor "How's she?" he asked, trying to sound normal.

"She's alright, it wasn't a major wound. But unfortunately, she'll carry the scar." the doctor explained. _Just like I do_ , Kylo thought as he remembered the thin scar on his face. It was the reminder of an unfinished business "She'll be awake in a short while."

Kylo nodded as he entered the room. The other doctors left them alone, Kylo took of his mask and placed it on the counter, then turned to look at Alexia. Her left shoulder was bandaged. He gulped, he felt guilty but deep down he knew that it wasn't entirely his fault –Alexia had gone too far with bringing up his father. _Han Solo._

 _But she was right. Since his death, I've never been the same man. I thought killing him would end the conflict in me but I was wrong –it has gone far worse._

 _I need to find a way to get rid of every little emotion I feel, or this unbalancedness will be the cause of something terrible._

Kylo Ren sat down, his head in his hands as Supreme Leader Snoke's words echoed in his mind.

 _Darkness rises and light to meet it._

 **I hope this one's better. And as always, don't forget to leave reviews!**

 **I have been working on a video about Kylo and Alexia and I'm pround to say that I've finally finished and posted it on YouTube!! You can find it by searching "Kylo Ren x Alexia Gradval" on YouTube, you'll recognise the cover of the story when you see it. And I'd really appreciate it if you watch** **it!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	23. -23-

The first sense to come back was smell with the strong scent of antiseptic. Feeling herself drifting back to reality, Alexia opened her eyes slowly. She was in the infirmary, her right shoulder was bandaged and it was still hurting, but slightly. Upon remembering what had happened, upon remembering how Kylo's lightsabre cut her skin, she grimaced.

That was when she felt the other presence in the room. It was him, who else could it be? Feeling the anger rise within her, Alexia straightened and sat in the bed, then turned left to look at him.

He had taken his helmet off, seeing his face for the first time after almost twenty days casted a chill upon her. His raven curls were shining as always but his brown eyes were looking tired. He took a step towards her.

"Get. Out." Alexia said, stressing the words.

"Alexia, I..." Kylo began to speak but Alexia cut him off and shouted.

"GET OUT!"

Kylo took a deep breath as he approached her "You need to calm down."

Alexia laughed hysterically "He tells me to calm down! You're fine one to talk, Ren." she said, then muttered "Calm down... I wouldn't be in this situation if you could have calmed your fucking ass down!"

He just stood there, looking at Alexia but there was something different in his eyes that moment. He was deeply sorry for what he had done. For the first time, he was not trying to hide his emotions.

Alexia took a deep breath "What did they say about it? About the wound?" she asked with a lower voice this time.

"The doctors assured that there was nothing to worry about," Kylo said, then pressed his plump lips to each other "But you'll carry the scar."

Alexia's left hand went to touch the bandage "Every time I look in the mirror, I have to see and remember what you've done. Great, just great." she said, she was surprisingly calm. Looking away for a while, she turned back to him "Why are you still here anyway? I'm fine, is it what you want to hear?"

Kylo ran his fingers through his hair "Alexia, please..."

Alexia frowned as she let her legs hang from the bed "Please what, Kylo, please what?!" she asked, then looked away "I wish I hadn't survived that day at all. I wish... I wish I had been killed by one of the Stormtroopers before I was captured."

Upon hearing that, Kylo nearly rushed towards her and placed his hands on her arms. Before he could talk, Alexia pushed him away but he didn't move an inch back "Look, Alexia, I don't know what I can do to show you how sorry I am for what I've done. I lose my self-control in times of rage and that's why I was trying to stay away from you in the first place –even beyond the matter with Snoke, I was trying to protect you from myself.

Alexia could see the sorrow deep in his eyes and she could feel it in his voice, too. But she wanted him to suffer just as she did "Did you say those sweet things to Nyrathen as well? Before you fucked her?"

It was obvious that he was caught unguarded –he wasn't expecting Alexia to know his little affair with Nyrathen. He turned his eyes away "It was a mistake, which I rather not talk about."

"No, I really wonder how she was in bed." Alexia insisted "What was so special about her that _almighty_ Kylo Ren decided to break all those precious rules of his master, about which he used to give me headaches all the time?"

 _I know I'm being cruel, acting like a bitch_ , Alexia thought as she watched Kylo. _But he deserves it._

Kylo shook his head "You've never listened Alexia, have you?" he muttered "It was never about the physical contact. We are free to do whatever we want as long as we do not grow emotionally attached to someone. It doesn't forbid sex; it forbids love, care and compassion."

Alexia's eyes widened –it was probably one and only time Kylo had talked about his feelings that bluntly. She could feel her heart race in her chest as she waited for his next move but none of them was expecting the upcoming.

Kylo closed his eyes as he frowned and took a step back. When he opened his eyes, all the emotions Alexia saw in there were gone "The Supreme Leader requires my presence. Try to get plenty of rest, my guess is that in one or two days you'll be able to fight and train again." he said, took his helmet but before leaving he left a small kiss on Alexia's forehead –the ghost of which lingered there even after hours of his leaving.

 **(Time Skip)**

The next day, it was evening when Alexia was allowed to leave the infirmary. The doctors had taken the bandage off, the wound was almost healed –except for the scar. It was a thin line, starting from her shoulder and ending on her upper arm.

She went to her cell and changed into some fresh clothes –another pair of black tights, a navy blue tunic and a grey hoodie. Somehow, she felt happier and she didn't know the reason. It could be the side effect of the medications, too.

As she arrived at the cafeteria, her eyes quickly found Jai and Lyonsse. The boys looked at each other while Alexia ran towards them. The first one she hugged was Lyonsse, who made Alexia tread on air –not in a metaphorical way. Jai smiled warmly at her and hugged her gently.

"I'm so glad that you're fine!" Jai said as they sat down "I was so damn worried."

"I can't believe he did such thing," Lyonsse said "I mean, you're his apprentice for fuck's sake. He could have killed you!"

"He has anger management problems," Alexia muttered and took some of Lyonsse's fries "I went kinda too far but this is not an excuse for slashing my arm, of course."

"You should have seen him after realising what he had done." Jai said "He totally _freaked out_. I have never seen him showing emotions before –he was _worried_ about _you_ , Alexia."

Alexia kept the smile to herself.

"Go on, tell her what that bitch said." Lyonsse told Jai. Alexia raised an eyebrow.

"Nyrathen was green with envy, I guess seeing Ren's care for you upset her pretty bad. And when we learned you were fine, she complained - _Why can't she just die already? It's not that we'll miss her_." Jai said, softening his voice to imitate Nyrathen "I don't talk to her anymore."

Alexia's eyes widened "Seriously? That's not like you." she said "Considering every time I've humiliated her, I guess she has the right to wish my death."

"I don't see it that way –she has gone too far this time." Jai muttered "She sickens me."

"Wow, we have some real issues there." Lyonsse said "I think I just know what you both need."

Alexia laughed "Lyo, you read my mind."

Lyonsse winked at her "I'm secretly a Sith."

 **(Time Skip)**

"I can get used to this," Alexia said as she took another sip from the red wine. They had taken two bottles of red wine and Lyonsse stole three wine glasses. Now they were sitting in front of the massive window in the Panorama Room. It was warm, so she had taken off her hoodie.

"It's pretty nice here," Jai said "I'm glad you showed me this place."

"Always a gentleman, even while drinking." Lyonsse said as he hit Jai's arm playfully.

Jai laughed "Well, that's how I stole Rosalina's heart."

Alexia and Lyonsse laughed as well "He's also a loyal lover!" Alexia said "C'mon, tell us about her."

"Like what?" Jai asked and took the glass to his lips.

"Dunno, could be anything." Alexia responded "Some of your best memories?"

Jai thought for a while, then a smile appeared on his thin lips "It was probably our third month or something, we were spending some time at her place. We were making out in the living room when her father walked in on us –her family didn't know about me back then." he said, then grimaced "Damn, he did beat me bad."

Alexia and Lyonsse were doubled up with laughter. Lyonsse wiped out the tears from his eyes "Dude, that's fucked up!" he said "You should think tactically in situations like this –for example _never_ make out in the living room. Rosalina's room would probably be the best choice, it's easier to hide there. You could have used the wardrobe at least."

Alexia raised an eyebrow "I hear some experience there, Lyo." she said and poured herself another glass of wine "You've some stories to tell, too."

Lyonsse ran his hand through his straight, dark hair –it was reaching his shoulders "I used to sneak in Caroline's house at least three days a week. It was mostly at night after her parents and siblings were asleep. Want me to tell you what we used to do after that?"

"Nah, I can easily imagine that part." Alexia muttered, making Jai chuckle "Tell me more about this Caroline."

Lyonsse turned his look to the endless space "Line was the prettiest girl you could ever see –with those blonde curls of her hair and the green eyes, she made every man go crazy. And she was great in the kitchen." he began to tell "I wanted her to be the mother of my children, how naïve I was back then. Now look at where I am, who I am. Life is full of irony."

For the very first time, Alexia was feeling sorry for Lyonsse. He had never talked about his past with her, he always just listened.

"I'm sorry," Jai murmured "Must be hard for you to remember."

"Don't be sorry for me, it was eight years ago. Back then, I was sixteen and didn't know a thing about life –I only had my dreams. Now I'm twenty four and I have enough experiences to confirm that life is a bitch. Being stuck in your own past just makes it worse, a lot worse. But accepting your faults and letting your past go –that's what I call returning bitchiness to life itself." Lyonsse explained, then looked at Alexia "You should try it sometime."

"It's easier to say," Alexia muttered as she hugged her knees "I can't face my past, it keeps haunting me. So instead, I pretend as if it doesn't exist. That's the easiest way. I... I can't bare dreaming about everyone I've lost, seeing their reflections every time I look in the mirror. I'm not strong enough."

"You're one of the strongest people I know, Alexia. You're chucking yourself away." Lyonsse said and with a faint smile on his lips, he took Alexia's hand "We all have fears and sorrows. That's what makes us _human_."

"Maybe the thing you lack is someone to help you heal," Jai guessed "Someone you can trust."

"Well, I used to have that someone. Before I was captured." Alexia talked with a low voice as she looked at the view in front of her "But now, I don't even know if she's alive or not."

"Come here," Lyonsse whispered and wrapped his strong arms around her body. Alexia placed her head on his chest, on _her_ _friend's_ chest, and closed her eyes.

 _Wyne would be proud._

 **I'll be going on a holiday for two weeks on Monday so I'm trying to write as much as I can. I think I'll be able to update once more before I leave and it'll be somthing good I assure you, my space babies!**

 **So how was the chapter?? Leave me reviews!! And don't forget to watch the video I've mentioned in the previous chapter!!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


	24. -24-

To lighten up the mood, they started talking about their funny memories. It was eleven thirty when they finished the first bottle. Jai was not drinking anymore, so the second bottle was left to Lyonsse and Alexia.

After Lyonsse finished telling his story about a Wookie and a Twi'lek, Alexia stood up. Finishing her third glass, she handed it to Lyonsse for more wine. Jai was lying on the floor and Lyonsse was playing with his hair. Casting a glance at the shadows, she began telling the story.

"There was a time when I got drunk as hell, like I do not remember a single thing from that night." Alexia began but Lyonsse interrupted.

"Just like the time I left you in the training area?" he asked.

Alexia shook her head "No, it was much worse. I was sixteen –it's five years from now –and it was a few months before my father's death... Anyway, Rosh carried me home that night –in fact he was the one telling me what I did."

"Who's Rosh?" Jai asked as he straightened and sat.

"My dead ex." Alexia said, surprisingly calm "I don't talk about him much."

"Yeah, I can see that." Lyonsse muttered "You've never told me about him either."

"Anyway," Alexia said and continued "Rosh carried me home but I didn't let him leave and so the fun began... My parents, Rosh and a drunk me were sitting in the living room. And when the topic came to our relationship, well, I told my parents of our _sexual_ history in _detail_. Including that I blew him earlier that day in my room."

Lyonsse and Jai burst into laughter, which made Alexia laugh as well "This is hilarious!" Lyonsse said, still laughing.

"How did your parents react?" Jai asked, he was trying to stop laughing.

"My mother made me sleep immediately and apologised from Rosh on my behalf." Alexia explained "She knew that we were sexually active, but about my father... Well, I've never learned his reaction. Of course, he never brought up the topic. It's totally embarrassing."

"This is even better than Jai being beaten up by his girlfriend's father." Lyonsse muttered and handed Alexia her glass "A question for you both –how old were you when you had your first sex?"

Alexia took a sip from the wine, then answered "Sixteen."

"Eighteen," Jai responded "Two years ago."

"Fifteen," Lyonsse said, then raised his glass.

Alexia raised an eyebrow "Fifteen? What was the rush?" she asked as she raised her glass as well.

"Life is short, I live like there's no tomorrow." Lyonsse replied her.

Looking at the shadows –her back was facing the massive window –Alexia smirked and turned to the boys "It's time you two slept," she said softly.

Lyonsse nodded slowly as he took the empty bottle and his glass "Okay, got the message. Just don't get drunk on your own." he said and stood up "C'mon Jai, someone wants some time to herself."

"I won't get drunk, I promise." Alexia said to Lyonsse, who nodded as a response. As the door closed after them with a vush sound, Alexia took another sip from the glass and stared at a specific spot in the shadows "You can come out now."

Between the columns near the door, Kylo Ren stepped out of the shadows. Lyonsse and Jai were too busy laughing at Lyonsse's Wookie story when he came in. Even Alexia didn't hear the sound of the door but the feeling of his presence was almost impossible to ignore.

"Spending quality time with friends?" Kylo asked as he approached her.

"Did you like my story?" she asked as she raised an eyebrow.

Kylo smirked as a response "Seems like you've had a colourful adolescence."

Alexia nodded as she sat down, leaning a column. Kylo sat near her "Wine?" Alexia asked, holding the half-empty bottle. Kylo nodded slowly. Jai had forgot to take his glass, Alexia used the Force to make it fly into her hand. After pouring some wine in it, she took the glass and passed her own to Kylo. Kylo raised an eyebrow into her direction, Alexia just shrugged and drank the half of her drink at once.

"Are you drunk?" Kylo asked after sipping the wine. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and black jeans.

Alexia shook her head "Nope, just floating in the tiny place between being sober and drunk." she responded "And _you_ are drinking."

"We all change at night," Kylo said, looking at the space "At night we're in oblivion."

 _Oblivion_ , Alexia thought as she watched him. _The state of not being aware of what is happening around you. Just like being drunk._

"How's your wound?" Kylo asked, his voice was surprisingly soft. Something was different about him.

"It's fine, just a thin scar like yours." Alexia said and lowered the left strap of her tunic. Kylo turned his eyes to her and with slow movements, he ran his fingers over the scar.

"Won't you ask any questions about yesterday?" Kylo asked, pulling his hand back as Alexia fixed the strap "Normally you'd bomb me with them."

"I've plenty of questions to ask, but every answer brings more questions with it." Alexia responded, looking in his brown eyes "And I'm tired of chasing them."

Kylo eyed her for a moment "This is not like you at all." he muttered "Something's off with you since _that_ night."

 _"What if I don't care?" Alexia said "What if I do not care about any of Snoke's fucking rules?"_

 _"Then you die, Alexia and I can't let that happen!" Kylo said, his voice was loud and serious. After lowering his voice, he continued to talk "We cannot grow feelings for each other, Alexia. No love, no care and no compassion. It has to be this way. I... I know there had been times that we had shown friendlier emotions but there should be no more. Alexia I... I cannot lose you, okay?"_

 _Alexia smiled at him sadly "That's compassion, too."_

 _"I know, and I'll try to make it the very last one."_

Alexia shook herself, even remembering the conversation was enough to ruin her mood "You've said it yourself, Kylo. It has to be this way." she talked, her voice was low "And I can't go that way once more."

"Why?" Kylo asked, his eyes still on her "There's something between us that I cannot name yet –you can't deny it, I can see it in your eyes. It's why you were jealous of Nyrathen all the time. Now we both have the courage to face whatever it is, why are you running away?"

Alexia looked away "It's just... I'm not ready to give my heart to someone, again. You know how hard it was for us both just with a little attraction. I don't want to go that way again." she stopped to finish the wine in her glass, then turned back to Kylo –he looked more handsome than ever "And yet here I am, drinking the night with the man who had brought nothing but pain to me. Despite everything that happened, my will still betrays me. I just can't walk out of this door." she took a deep breath, her voice was getting higher. After a few seconds, she continued "In front of you, I'm just a little girl, who seeks solace in probably the most wrong person in the galaxy."

For a few moments, they just looked at each other. Alexia could not take her eyes away from him, it had been so long since the last time she looked at his pretty face as long as she desired. All she wanted was to spend the rest of her life in that tiny little moment –with Kylo Ren in the Panorama Room, silence surrounding them.

Then, he did something that she wasn't prepared for.

Kylo Ren pulled Alexia Gradval into his arms and pressed his lips against hers.

Her eyes closed as a reflex and she wrapped her arms around Kylo's neck while returning the kiss. His lips were soft, just like the last time. And just like the last time, it was an ephemeral kiss.

Kylo pulled himself a little back to look at Alexia "Can you feel them?" he asked, his voice was barely a whisper "All the flowing emotions?"

"Yes," Alexia whispered and climbed onto Kylo's lap, straddling him. He was leaning the column "And I want to feel them more."

Alexia leaned in and her lips met with his. Kylo wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer till there was nothing but cloth between them. Deepening the kiss, Alexia parted her lips to give Kylo an entrance. His tongue slid in her mouth to meet with hers.

Alexia rubbed her long nails against Kylo's neck, which caused him to deepen the kiss more, making it more passionate than it already was. His hands started wandering on her curves until both of them were rested on her hips. Alexia took his lower lip between her teeth and sucked it slightly.

Kylo groaned quietly and moved his lips to her jawline. Alexia closed her eyes and threw her back as his lips moved down to her neck, then to her collarbone. Placing a gentle kiss on her scar, Kylo slowly pulled back and rested his forehead against hers, causing Alexia to open her eyes.

Alexia took a deep breath "I have no idea how I will return to the usual tomorrow." she whispered.

Kylo left one last kiss on her lips, then pulled himself back. Pushing some black curls behind her ear, he spoke with a low voice "Don't worry about it, for now."

Alexia let her fingers linger on his face "I still don't want to accept this," she murmured, then a small smile crept on her lips "But right now everything is just so perfect... I can't help myself."

"Shh," Kylo whispered, placing his index finger on her lips "The more we talk, the more we ruin the moment."

He was right, sometimes silence was the best way of talking. And the rest of the night they just watched the stars, which were in front of them, sometimes forgetting about the view to kiss each other. As Alexia fell asleep inside Kylo's arms while listening his heartbeat, all she could think about was how peaceful she felt. Feeling his body's heat was enough to make her happy and after three long years, seeing someone smile was making her heart skip a beat.

 _How I wished for the morrow never to come._

 **They're not totally together yet but those times are coming!! I'm so excited that finally I'll get to write the chapters I've been meaning to write since the very beginning!!**

 **I hope you all enjoyed the chapter as much as I did. As always, leave some reviews my space babies!!**

 **Wookie hugs**


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